


Home, Though Not Home

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Deruned Alec Lightwood, Domestic, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, False Memories, Fear, Fluff, Hallucinations, Headaches & Migraines, Love, M/M, Magic, Memories, Mental Breakdown, POV Magnus Bane, Past, Sick Magnus Bane, Upset Magnus Bane, Worried Alec Lightwood, not an au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-04-04 03:08:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 54,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14010852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Magnus' world is familiar, and yet not familiar. His apartment overlooks a view that is both new, and not new. And Magnus knows yet doesn't know every street, park, and building of the city beneath.He does know Alec. His love for Alec is unwavering, and there has never been a moment in their time together, when Alec hasn't given that same love back.But Magnus is not himself. It's him in his reflection, yet it's also not him that's staring back through blinking, amber eyes. And even Alec, his constant through every triumph and uncertainty, seems different in his dreams than when Magnus is awake. When the dreams feel real and his fears unbelievable, which version of himself does Magnus want to be right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> Okay. If you give this one a go, you're going to think within a couple of paragraphs that you're reading an AU, and you're not. Honest. But this fic has been difficult to come up with a summary for to tease the story without telling you all of it, because there are elements that definitely seem like an AU, and definitely aren't (I also suck at summaries). I'll be adding tags as I post chapters since they too will give away what is happening, but I've added some tags that will be true throughout to give you some ideas. 
> 
> Here's a few things that will hopefully reassure you, but you can come ask me questions on Tumblr if you want.  
> There is no MCD in this story; in fact I don't think there's a single death of anyone there is even a name for, and even those happened in the background before this story really started.  
> Magnus and Alec are happy together. Always. The difficulties they will face in this story are not because of them. Well, they are in a way, I guess, but only because they love each other so much. Make of that what you will.  
> There is no separation of Magnus and Alec in this story (though they do get bathroom breaks from each other at least, I'm not that cruel).  
> There is sadness, and both Magnus and Alec will at times be sad, as will people around them. But again, the sadness is not really about them as such, and won't do anything to tear them apart.  
> There is a happy ending for Magnus and Alec. Though it might not be the happy ending you expect. But that ending will be together, and just as loved up as they are throughout it.
> 
> And... that's it! The story is complete, I haven't yet decided how often I'm going to post but it's already written in full so it isn't getting abandoned. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

"Okay. I'm leaving."

Magnus looks up from their dining table where he's marking papers and peers at Alec over the top of his glasses. His shoulders slump in disappointment for hearing Alec's words even though he knew they were coming, and waves a hand so Alec knows to come closer even though he's already halfway across the room. "One of these days, I'm going to have to come back to the firehouse just to see you all suited up."

Alec snorts, making Magnus' chair scrape across the wooden floor as he pushes it back, so he has enough room to straddle and sit in his lap, elbows hooking over Magnus' shoulders as he leans in for a kiss. He fogs up Magnus' glasses in the process and takes them off with a smile, lifting a corner of his shirt up just enough to wipe the lenses clean. "You got a thing about seeing me kitted out in PPE and BA?"

"Why must you talk in acronyms?" Magnus teases, hands already up the back of Alec's shirt. He thinks of the night he's going to spend alone since Alec is on shift, and wants to be selfish, pulling him closer for just another few seconds.

"Not like you don't know what they mean."

"Perhaps I should just set fire to this apartment," Magnus muses with a wave of his fingers and a scowl at the curtains that have been offending his eyes for months. He's not sure why they've left them up so long, really; they're hideous, drab things, that if they aren't pulled back far enough make the apartment seem dull and too small. He doesn't even remember choosing them, if he's honest.

"That's a drastic way to see me in action."

"Oh, Alexander; I think I get to see you in action all the time."

"You know what I mean," Alec says, smiling at him in blushing exasperation even as he leans in for another kiss.

"Or, perhaps the college. I'm sure some of my students would appreciate New York's finest—"

" _Magnus_ —"

"You could bridal carry me out of the building mid-lecture, and in doing so save me from an infuriating discussion about whether witchcraft truly is satanic," Magnus adds, thinking of the immovable opinions of some of the students he's having difficulty with in his _Magic and Witchcraft in Early Modern Europe_ class, and groaning for it.

"Are they still accusing you of devil worship?" Alec says, his smile dipping a little.

"Not even them knowing that my husband is a hot firefighter, who rescues kittens from trees and everyone else from burning buildings, has done much to dissuade them from suspecting me of something terrible," Magnus says, tilting his chin up for another kiss. "Or, maybe that is the _exact_ reason for it. You are positively sinful."

Alec smiles at that, and that beautiful blush that sits just on the apple of his cheeks flares pink, meaning Magnus has to kiss over it repeatedly until Alec's throwing his head back and laughing.

"Yeah, well. I'm pretty sure _I'm_ never gonna hear the end of _my_ lecturer husband being the hottest thing in New York," Alec says when he looks back at him. "You had to turn up to meet me in those suspenders and your glasses, with that satchel tucked up under your arm, didn't you? Now it's all they talk about. _Hey, Alec, how's Magnus? Is Magnus coming to meet you from work? You guys should come out for drinks with us more. What's Magnus' favorite—_ "

"I simply came straight from work—"

"Exactly," Alec agrees, hugging him then sliding from his lap with a reluctant sigh, and belatedly slipping the glasses back on to Magnus' face. "And that was enough."

"I—"

"Can't help it if you're both adorable and beautiful beyond words?" Alec suggests, bending down for one final kiss then checking the time, and cursing under his breath for setting off late.

"Call me."

"Soon as I can."

"Message sooner," Magnus says, smiling as Alec snatches up his bag and rushes towards the door of their apartment blowing kisses over his shoulder as he leaves.

Magnus stares at the door for a few seconds with a wistful smile, that drops a fraction for both the pile of assignments still left to work through and the thought of Alec working for the next twenty-four hours. The realization of that sits particularly hard in the pit of Magnus' stomach, swooping in to make everything seem fluttery beneath his skin. The work in front of him is suddenly not enough to distract him, and Magnus darts his gaze around their open plan apartment looking for other things to do.

Magnus tucks the chair under the table and pours himself a glass of water, moving over to the window to stare out at the view. He imagines another setting, another building at a different height in some other location across the city, frowns for his constant overactive imagination, and tells himself to go back to work.

* * *

The apartment's so quiet without Alec, Magnus thinks a couple of days later, after Alec has left for his second shift of the week. He fills the sink with the dishes from making an obscenely large bowl of noodles, dubiously eyes the glass of juice Alec insists tastes of more than just cranberry, and carefully carries both across the apartment before sinking cross-legged onto the couch to eat.

It's not that Alec's particularly loud. But without him everything echoes, and sometimes when Alec is working, Magnus patrols the apartment like he's _searching_ for something. Probably Alec, who he imagines cooking food for the crew, cleaning fire equipment, doing safety demonstrations at the local high school, but never putting out fires. As much as Magnus likes the idea of Alec sooted up and sweaty following a fire, the thought of him in actual danger, or getting trapped somewhere is one of many constant nightmares.

Magnus shakes his head at even the thought of it, and glares at the TV screen for taunting him with a show featuring a burning building. He flips channels until he finds a documentary about lions that he's probably not going to pay attention to, but is glad of the noise of to drown that silence out. Magnus doesn't like his own company, needs to keep busy, so the constant _thoughts_ that find their voice without Alec present have less chance of getting too loud.

Magnus stops eating to read the message Alec has sent to say it feels like a long evening ahead for him, and that does nothing to help.

Magnus is restless. He can't think why, can't find a name for the feeling, feels he's constantly needing to _do_ something just to stay ahead. Though to stay ahead of _what_ , he isn't sure; office hours with his students are organized and rarely run over, and Alec working shifts means Magnus has ample hours to kill left to his own devices, so he's ahead on marking, admin, and any other paperwork that comes his way.

It's been a strange few months, and Magnus tries and fails to put an actual stamp of time on this listless feeling, searches back through his schedule on his tablet until the words blur, and still comes up blank. Maybe he just needs to get out of the apartment, Magnus thinks, walking towards the full-length windows of their apartment and wishing there was a balcony or something he could step out on to for some air. He pulls his cell phone from his pocket, scrolls through names he barely notices and pushes it back, not one of them getting his attention for long enough to provide adequate distraction for the hours he feels like he needs.

Deciding on exercise, Magnus presses a hand to his stomach, debating if enough time has passed since eating, and pulling off his shirt as he walks to the bedroom deciding that it has. He changes into a favorite pair of soft grey lounge pants, stretches his hands up over his head, and rolls his neck as he pads his way across the floor.

Music goes on in the background to give him focus, the gentleness of it immediately soothing, though the feeling not lasting for long enough to put Magnus at ease. Magnus stretches again, moving and molding his body through a form of tai chi that feels as much a part of him as breathing for how long he's practiced it—longer, even, if it's possible. _Ancient_. The form is natural to him, meaning he is able to move fluidly between each stance with barely any thought to it. Though the sense of something _missing_ is just enough to irritate him, causing him to stop and stare down at his palms when the feeling gets too _much_ , as if expecting something to rise from them.

Magnus glides across the floor for another stance needing more space for it, keeping his eyes firmly turned away from the mirror on the adjacent wall that taunts him on occasion by reflecting back a person that is him, but isn't him at all. That particular reflection shows perfect hair, dark lined eyes, an ear cuff in the spot that Alec is forever playing with when they're sat or laid together. And there's a knowing smile, when most days, Magnus doesn't feel like he knows anything at all.

He turns away again, performing the last of the most intricate of his steps. The energy he remembers being taught was _chi_ buzzing beneath his skin, but he doesn't remember the name of the face of that instructor, sure without knowing that they've been gone so very long. Magnus stretches, his muscles satisfied with the efforts he's made, and is sure a good hour has passed. He takes a bottle of water from the fridge, changes the music and turns it up a little louder, wincing for neighbors who might not share the same taste as him. Then he's heading for a shower, the practiced moves meaning he never has to look in the mirrors for too long, the reminder of a dream with cat-like eyes blinking back at him still too fresh in his mind to let Magnus look too hard.

* * *

It's the dreams that might be the worst thing, Magnus thinks, sitting bolt upright with his heart pounding in alarm, gasping breaths punching from between his lips until the final tendrils of those dreams have gone. He's beginning to lose count of how many times he's woken up when Alec's working feeling unsafe without the sanctity of Alec's arms secured around him. It's not even _unsafe_ he feels, Magnus amends to himself, carding fingers through his hair then resting a hand over his chest to feel his racing heart. It's _displaced_. Like he doesn't belong here in his own skin.

The dreams are more vivid than he thinks his real life is. He can be in his lecture theatre and feel as though the view before him is blurred, or missing something, yet the dreams have this crystal clear clarity to them where everything makes sense; even if there is no sense to what he sees. He recognizes the apartment so many of those dreams take place in, the satin sheets that cover his and Alec's bed. The view from a balcony that suggests a wealth that he and Alec don't have anywhere near the amount of, and there's a general sense of otherworldly about everything that is the backdrop to it all.

In these dreams, Magnus is powerful. Angry at times, capable of inflicting great wounds and torment on those who he deems to have done wrong. He has friends, many equally powerful, each with their own ethereal qualities about them. Even Alec does in the dream version of him, with those beautiful tattoos covering his skin—that Alec is always so dismissive about the meaning of in the waking world—appearing more prominent. Alive almost. Or dormant, and simply waiting to be activated somehow.

Magnus forces himself from the bed, glancing at his phone as he makes his way to the kitchen, and smiles in relief at the messages from Alec before he too attempted sleep. He takes a glass and fills it with water, slakes his thirst with his fingers curled around the kitchen counter for comfort. Realizes he needs something stronger to take this unsettled feeling from him, and pulls down a bottle of scotch from a cupboard, pouring a generous measure.

Magnus explores the apartment with his glass in hand, dimly lit since he's still convincing himself he'll go back to sleep sometime soon. Sometimes when Alec's working and he's walking as he is, the apartment feels truly foreign to Magnus. He knows this is their home, knows it has been for however long it is they've lived there, and yet the bathroom seems through the wrong doorway, the furniture absent of something, and even the books on the numerous bookshelves look like the wrong ones. Not that he's sure what the _right_ ones even are, of course.

He should probably talk about it. To Alec, to the friends he knows he's seen recently yet can't recall a single name of, which happens to him sometimes. He doesn't know why, when other, more prominent names are never far from his tongue; especially since he doesn't know the people attached to them at all. Except for when he's dreaming, and their lives are far more vivid than the one he's actually living.

Perhaps all those years of studying instead of partying and play have done something to him. Made Magnus far more thoughtful and prone to illusions of another, better life than the one he has. Not that he thinks his life _can_ get much better, of course. He has a job he enjoys despite some of his more difficult students, lives in a good area, has enough money to be mostly comfortable even if that life is nowhere near as opulent as in his dreams. And of course, more than anything else, he has Alec, who walked into his life he doesn't remember when, but now knows he can never be without.

Alec, Magnus smiles to himself, fingers withdrawing from where they've been stroking down the spine of a book he knows doesn't belong there on the shelf, yet also knows that it _does_. Alec will be home in approximately twelve hours, which means technically he'll be home before Magnus, who is giving a lecture until six. Alec is wonderful, incredible, kind, and patient, as well as intelligent, pragmatic, and thoughtful. Magnus knows he lucked out when he met Alec, and spends his days hoping he's even half as vital to him.

He should make him food, have something ready for him just to heat through when he gets home, Magnus thinks, abandoning even the idle thought of trying to sleep and striding back to the kitchen. The sun may not yet be rising, the rest of the apartment block might be asleep, but Magnus hums to himself for distraction, preparing one of Alec's favorite dishes and adamantly ignoring the cat eyes he catches blinking back at him from the blade of the knife he's using.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

"One more episode?"

Magnus smiles at the kiss pressed into his chest and arches his back against the couch when Alec stands. "You said that three episodes ago."

"Are you complaining?" Alec asks, bending back down to kiss him, though already walking away before Magnus can answer.

"Not at all."

"Not like either of us has got an early morning," Alec calls. Magnus stands to stretch himself, following Alec into the kitchen and watching as he opens the overhead cupboards.

"Hungry?"

"Not really. But I want to eat something."

Magnus walks behind Alec, slipping one hand beneath his shirt to rest on his stomach and standing on tiptoe to reach for a shelf. "Popcorn?"

"Popcorn and M&Ms?" Alec suggests, snatching up a bag of M&Ms that Magnus doesn't remember buying and waving them, while covering his hand.

"Sounds good. Although," Magnus adds, already leaving a bowl on the side for when the popcorn is ready, and pinching the corners of his mouth as he thinks, "I want something savory as well."

Magnus watches as Alec puts the popcorn packet in the microwave then returns to another cupboard, pulling down a bag of chips.

"These?"

"Perfect. Beer?"

"Of course," Alec says with a smile, though crowds Magnus back against a counter for a kiss before he can move. Magnus stretches up against him with a contented sigh.

There aren't enough moments like this. Endless stretches of kisses, wrapped up in one another's arms with nothing else to do. Magnus cherishes every single one of them, sometimes feels that he's even counting them, as though he's expecting these moments to one day run out. The thought of being without Alec crushes him unexpectedly, urging him to kiss back harder. His fingers dig into Alec to pull him closer still, yet he still feels that he isn't close enough.

"Hey," Alec says with a soft gasp when they pull back to catch their breath, "you okay?"

Can Alec feel the desperation coursing through him, the fear that one day Alec is going to leave him behind? Magnus doesn't even know where the thought came from; his mind switches between the security of knowing he is loved, and fearing that he'll one day be without that love. Images of waging battles intersperse with more mundane memories of his lecture theatre, and lunches with Alec near the firehouse so they can eat together before Alec starts his shift. Drinks with friends, that once again Magnus can't remember the names of, and a hundred other small things blasting at him at once.

His thoughts are a mess. Magnus pastes on a false smile and winks, sweeping his hands down Alec's back to squeeze his ass. "Can I help it if I get carried away when I have you in my hands?"

"Magnus," Alec smiles, still curious, "you have me in your hands all the _time_."

"Not right this moment," Magnus points out, nudging Alec back enough to trail his fingertips down the front of Alec's shirt, and sweep a thumb over the length of him through his jeans. He feels out the shape of him there, humming in approval as Alec's head falls forward, and he stands with his feet a little further apart.

"I guess we could wait for the popcorn to cool a little. So the M&Ms don't melt," Alec says half-heartedly as he watches Magnus' hand.

Magnus squeezes around him again, before popping the button of his jeans and working them down to mid-thigh. "Then we should put that time to good use."

"Any suggestions?" Alec says with a laugh that gives way to a soft groan as Magnus wraps his hand around him through his boxers. Magnus strokes and squeezes him, humming to feel Alec already thickening against his palm.

"One or two," Magnus replies with a smile and a slow stroke of him from root to tip. He needs Alec, needs to feel him, that desperation fluttering away beneath Magnus' skin like a ticking time bomb. He yanks Alec's boxers down and wraps his hand back around his length, pulling the waistband back so he has room to watch.

Alec groans for it, grabbing Magnus' hand, popping the microwave door open in passing and tugging him towards the couch. He strips in seconds, groaning out again and resting a hand on the back of Magnus' head as he sits on the edge of the couch and laps over his cock. Alec sweeps the hair away from Magnus' forehead as he continues to lick long stripes over him without breaking eye contact, his stomach visibly fluttering as Magnus finally takes him into his mouth.

Magnus strokes his palms up over Alec's thighs and stomach, gripping loosely at his waist when Alec's knees buckle and his hips begin to jolt, rolling his cock deeper into Magnus' mouth. Magnus hums around him, filling his thoughts with only the feel and taste of Alec, that out of nowhere desperation for fear of losing him beginning to fade.

"I wanna feel you too," Alec manages to call out, gentle fingers wrapping around Magnus' jaw to stop him. Magnus keeps watching Alec's face as he drags his lips up his length before standing as guided, ridding himself of his own clothes.

Alec nods for Magnus to lie down and immediately settles between his thighs, reaching to line them up together then beginning a languid roll of his hips as he leans in to claim his mouth. Alec's smile for Magnus between kisses is sweet, and full of affection, the unhurried way they're moving suggesting anything else they might have been planning has been forgotten.

Magnus sweeps his hands over Alec's back feeling like he needs to touch all of him at once, as well as to savor this feeling between them. Alec groans out his name, his voice deepening with want, and begins mouthing a trail of kisses up his neck to just behind his ear. Magnus teases a finger between Alec's cheeks, smiling as he angles back for more of it.

"Do you want to go to bed?"

"That means we'd have to move," Alec protests, stirring his hips as they glide together and letting out another groan.

"True," Magnus agrees, snatching a kiss to Alec's neck as he drops his head on his shoulder, mouthing over it with a whimper as he continues that tease at his hole. "We could stay right here."

Alec's hips slow, and he raises his head up for Magnus to see his pleased smile. "We could."

Magnus goes to speak but Alec grips his fingers around Magnus' waist as leverage, then leans over to their coffee table, and retrieves a small paper bag from the shelf underneath. Inside there is a lip balm, and a bar of soap, as well as a small jar of coconut oil that they'd picked up at a stall at a farmer's market a couple of weekends earlier after trying samples, but both have forgotten about.

"We haven't tried this yet; not any of it," he says, kneeling up without warning and pulling off the lid of the coconut oil, taking a long sniff before passing it to Magnus. "Smells good."

Magnus hums in agreement, tossing the paper bag with its other contents to the floor, before dipping his fingers in the jar, flexing his fingers to coat them, and gesturing for Alec to move.

"Like this," Alec says, shaking his head as he first leans to put the jar on the table, then guides Magnus to sit up, immediately straddling his lap. Alec holds himself open after grabbing Magnus' wrist to position his hand where he wants it, groaning as he slips his fingers into him.

Magnus watches Alec as he moves, holding steady so Alec can do as he pleases to work himself open, though can't resist scissoring his fingers apart to watch him gasp. He pulls Alec a little more upright, lapping over his cock and humming against it as Alec calls out, angling his hips back faster as though he's trying to speed things up.

Alec calls out his name, tugging Magnus' hand from him and only pausing long enough for Magnus to stroke over himself to slicken up a little, then is sinking down with a long, low groan, head thrown back to expose his neck. Magnus pulls him closer and mouths along the length of his tattoo there, even nipping just enough to leave a discreet mark, his hands sweeping over his thighs, stomach, and cock as Alec rides him in exploration.

"Are you in a hurry?" Magnus teases as Alec loops his arms around his neck, bending down to claim a kiss.

"I wanted you in me," Alec mumbles against his mouth, groaning as he grinds down on him and then trembling through a languid stir of his hips.

"Well. I am always more than happy to oblige."

Magnus feels Alec's smile against his lips before he pulls back, keeping eye contact as he rocks in his lap, the blissed out look on his face something Magnus feels he could watch all day, if only he had the time.

 _Time_ , he thinks, that desperate sense of urgency returning without warning, telling him he _doesn't_ have enough time with Alec. He can't think for it, pulls Alec tighter to him and flips him over to pin to the couch, sinking into him once more and groaning hard for it, with Alec calling out in belated surprise a second later.

"Magnus—"

Magnus needs to lose himself in Alec. He tucks his face into his neck and drives into him deeper, chasing every point in Alec that he knows feels good, and concentrating on drawing all the pleasure he can from him, listening to the noises blasting from his lips. He ignores his racing heart, the images behind his eyes that threaten to snatch Alec away to another existence, or even take him away forever. Magnus snaps his hips harder to chase those images away, refuses to let the sob rising in his throat force its way out of his mouth.

* * *

"Dammit."

"What?" Magnus asks, turning back to the mirror of his changing room cubicle to check for what might be wrong, then looking back at Alec with a wave over his chest. "This doesn't work?"

"Magnus," Alec says in a loud whisper, quickly looking either way then crowding up against him, "how the hell am I supposed to keep my hands off you if you're gonna walk around looking like _this_?"

Magnus smiles into the hungry kiss that makes him think Alec might be about to devour him right here in this clothes store, and does his best to press back against him so they won't tumble over.

"I thought perhaps you didn't like it," Magnus says. He would look down to emphasize that he means this beautifully detailed suit complete with stain-paneled waistcoat, but Alec's holding on to him too tightly to—or maybe even just tight enough. His hands are molding over his arms, back, and thighs, before spreading wide on his ass and tugging him even closer.

"You're beautiful. You're always beautiful," Alec tells him, apparently not willing to stop kissing him. "But this looks really, _really_ good. I might even have to come watch you lecture in it."

Magnus thinks of Alec watching him in his lecture theatre and feels his throat dry out. "That would be… distracting."

"Does that place have locks on the door?"

"It does," Magnus smiles, closing his eyes as Alec mouths up his neck before forcing himself back and letting his gaze fall over Magnus again before he backs up a little more to give him space.

"Honestly? I don't think your students are gonna survive this."

Magnus smiles hard, leaning in for another quick kiss before turning back into the cubicle, laughing at the pinch to his ass he receives before pulling the curtain across. Today is a good day, full of sunshine and loosely made plans. They're shopping this morning, will meet a couple of friends for a late lunch, and tonight there will be dancing in a club that Alec really likes. And tomorrow will be a lazy day, just the two of them holed up in their apartment. In other words, Magnus thinks as he changes into his final choice of clothes, this is a perfect weekend.

"What time are we meeting them?" Alec calls through the curtain.

Magnus thinks of their friends, recalls their faces but once again not their names. It's stupid, really, because they've known them so long, and at the same time he feels they don't know them all that well at all.

"Not until three," he says, buttoning up his new shirt.

"Magnus," Alec says in that tone Magnus always accuses him of using to get his own way. Magnus smiles into the mirror without really making eye contact with himself.

"You're hungry?" he guesses.

"Just a little. And I need coffee."

Magnus smiles harder and runs a hand down the front of his shirt. "Then we should take a break. Perhaps eat something small," he says as he pushes back the curtain and steps out.

Alec's eyes drift over him again with the same heat as they did a few minutes ago.

"Alec?" Magnus says, barely holding in a burst of laughter. "I thought you were hungry?"

Alec twirls his finger for Magnus to know to turn around, pulling him closer the second he's done a full circle. "Starving," he insists, beginning to mouth up his neck again as his hands run repeatedly up and down his back.

* * *

There are voices. Unidentified, detached noises coming to Magnus from all directions, and it's too dark to look for them, too closed in for him to find a way out now. Alec is with him, and Magnus is struck hard with the need to protect him, wanting to push Alec back so he can shield him, hands raised palm up as though preparing to strike.

The voices are getting closer, rising and falling and stumbling together in a cacophony of noise one moment, then overlapping whispers he can't make out the next. Magnus tries to single the voices out to identify them, to understand why they strike such fear in his heart, but all he knows is to back away, to keep Alec firmly by his side. Try to wait out the darkness, because it feels as though a little light might be the thing they need to escape from this approaching storm.

"Magnus," he hears, recognizing only Alec's voice. "Magnus, wake up."

Magnus shakes his head, dismissing Alec's request, since there is no way that he's not already awake.

"Magnus," he hears again, this time more frantic as Alec shoves against his chest, "Magnus, come on. We have to go."

 _Go where?_ Magnus wants to ask. They are being backed up down a rain-glistened alleyway with the sound of a bar to their left, and a wall covered in graffiti and posters to the right. There are cartons stacked to their right as well, and when they're backed up with no escape he sees a neon-lit sign that he thinks reads _psychic_ , noticing belatedly the red paper lanterns overhead. It's a familiar place as well as alien to him, and Magnus has the impression he's in two places at once. He's trying to get his bearings, even as Alec continues to try to get his attention.

"Magnus. Please; wake up for me if you can."

Magnus startles awake, the sense of being snatched back to the waking world unsettling, and it takes a few breaths before he can even allow himself to open his eyes. It's Alec's hands on his skin that is the thing to rouse him, and before he can even put thought into it Magnus is surging up from where he's laid on his back, claiming Alec's mouth.

Alec startles but doesn't falter, rolling them over without breaking their kiss until he's slotted Magnus between his thighs, splaying them further apart to make more room.

"I need you," Magnus says, the words coming out as desperate as he's feeling. Alec pauses only for a second with a look of concern, but then is leaning to mouth up the length of his neck, slotting his hand down between them to wrap his fingers round Magnus' cock to coax him to hardness.

Magnus needs him quicker. He pulls him closer which stops Alec from moving his hands at all. Alec must feel the racing of his heart for the way he nudges him back and raises himself up a little to press a kiss over his chest before mouthing his way down over it, a firm grip on his hips to guide Magnus where he wants him. Magnus arches up at the lips kissing a path up his thickening length and adjusts on his knees, watches as Alec grips his fingers around him and keeps them moving as he stretches to drag open the drawer of his nightstand.

Magnus groans as Alec takes him into his mouth, letting Alec guide his hand to the back of his head and allows himself a few thrusts into his mouth without looking, then is reaching down to feel the stretch of Alec's lips around him. Alec's free hand is resting easily on Magnus' thigh, squeezing in encouragement as he hums around him. Magnus allows himself one more roll of his hips and holds himself still in Alec's mouth before pulling out and sinking back down, bending for a frantic kiss.

Magnus has to squeeze his eyes shut, feeling the familiar sense of unmasking that he sometimes sees when looking at his reflection. He knows Alec's body without having to look, so can draw moans of pleasure from the simple grip of his fingers, use his mouth to tease Alec to hardness, and his tongue to lap out a moan.

Alec presses the bottle of lube into his side, splaying his legs even further in invitation and arching up to meet his fingers the second he breaches him. Alec must sense his urgency but doesn't ask about it, instead guiding him between his legs and holding himself open after only a couple of minutes, angling his hips up with a long, deep groan when Magnus sinks into and fills him whole.

Magnus tries to concentrate on the heat of Alec squeezing around him, the warmth of his body beneath him, and the way Alec reaches for him, pulls him closer, whispers encouragement telling him how good he feels. Magnus allows himself to topple forward, hiding his face in Alec's neck, fearing his reaction if he could see his eyes.

"You are so beautiful," he hears, and tries to crowd even closer to Alec than he is already. He slides his hands beneath Alec's thighs so he knows to wrap them around his waist and drives into him deeper, determined to lose himself in Alec.

* * *

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit, sorry, I pressed _post_ before I added tags and wrote notes!!!! I'm an idiot. Tags are now added and please don't worry too much about what those tags might mean (which, I know, isn't helpful - come ask questions if you're concerned!) x

"Soap?"

Magnus checks the closet where they usually keep their spares of bathroom supplies and finds it empty, adding it to his list. "We need that."

"Oh, and I think we should get some more of that cream stuff. If that's okay."

"For that stubble burn?" Magnus asks as Alec comes to join him in the bathroom, taking the list and pen from his fingers.

"Yeah," Alec agrees. Magnus makes soothing noises and swirls his thumb just under Alec's jaw where there is the slightest hint of it still there.

"It's not really a cream—"

"Well, that stuff you made me last time, then; if you don't mind making me it again," Alec smiles, scribbling something on the notepad before looping his arms loose around Magnus' waist, ducking in for a quick kiss. Magnus leans against him tilting his chin up for another, and for a few minutes they indulge themselves, shutting everything else out.

It's not really a cream, Magnus thinks again when Alec wraps him up in a hug and sways him, clearly in no hurry to go shopping as they need to do. It's more of a mask; it needs sandalwood powder, yogurt, milk, rose water, and honey, as well as a little turmeric, which Alec had eyed in suspicion the first time he'd made it for him. But it works; Magnus doesn't know how he knew that it would work, only that it did. The itchy redness that had left Alec's neck looking sore after shaving was soothed instantly, and its color reduced in only days.

"We should get more of that foam bath," Alec adds with a final kiss just behind his ear before he's pulling back, and handing Magnus the list.

"Okay. What did you add?"

"Dishcloths. And some of those scrubbing pads."

"Well, if you will _insist_ on sticking things to every pan we cook with—"

"Can I help it if you distract me every time I cook?" Alec protests, smiling hard at him and his cheeks already alight with blush. "This never happens when I cook at work."

"I should hope not," Magnus tells him with a teasing, reproachful smile. "And besides. You are very easily distracted."

"Magnus. You put your hands down my pants when I was cooking."

Magnus smiles at the memory they're clearly sharing, humming a little for it. "You'd just had a shower. I knew you didn't have anything underneath them. I couldn't resist."

Alec opens his mouth to protest again and ends up just sighing for it, ducking for one more kiss before turning away. "Since you're the expert, what are we eating tonight?"

Magnus thinks of an exotic sunset with food eaten on a terrace. A banquet of Moroccan food grazed at on a coast looking out over an expanse of sea. Rain pelting down on steamed up windows sampling dumplings at cramped tables to the backdrop of a clatter of chopsticks. Then snatches his thoughts back and feels as though he's been pulled bodily from locations he's visited, both with Alec and alone.

"Perhaps we should go out," Magnus suggests, an urgent need for something _different_ flaring in his chest.

"Sounds good," Alec agrees, picking up his wallet and patting his pocket for keys. "Anywhere in particular?"

"Just out," Magnus replies, anxious to be leaving the apartment, to be anywhere but home.

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Magnus looks up from the assignments he's been attempting to read over for the past half hour, still pinching at his temples and wincing as he tries to smile. "I'm fine. It's only a headache."

"Magnus," Alec says with clear concern in his voice, "you've been getting headaches almost every day for the past month."

"Maybe I just need new glasses."

"Then we should go to an optician. Get you tested," Alec tells him, walking behind the couch and gently pulling on his shoulders so he'll lean back. Magnus tips his head willingly at the gentle fingers massaging over the back of his scalp, sighing in relief at Alec's touch. He always seems to know just where to touch him.

"Perhaps."

"Then let's—"

"Though I am sure it is just these… awfully worded disgraces I am attempting to give any kind of credit to," he adds, rustling the pile on his lap and throwing it on to the couch beside him, and discarding the pen as well, intent on enjoying all that Alec is doing to him. Smiling as he carefully lifts off his glasses.

"Even so. If this is getting to be a problem, maybe you need to change your prescription. You shouldn't be getting these many headaches; not from reading," Alec tells him, putting the glasses down on his pile of work.

"Alexander," Magnus says as he tilts his head back to look at him, "I'm fine."

"Stubborn," Alec teases, but before Magnus can even pretend to object he's bending down, and mouthing a path up his neck.

"That helps," Magnus tells him, angling his head away and reaching up to cover Alec's hands now curled over his shoulders and squeezing.

"Then lucky for you, I don't have to be at work for another… six hours."

"Oh really," Magnus says, blinking open one eye.

Alec nods in answer and leans in for an awkward upside-down kiss. "Maybe I can find some other way to help relieve you of that headache."

Magnus knows that look. He loves that look; he's loved it since the first time he ever saw it in Alec's eyes. Backing him into their bedroom from a softly lit hallway in an apartment that is more home than the one they are in.

The reminder of the dream spurs him on, raising Magnus' hand to keep Alec in place as he kisses him, curling around his neck and humming against his lips. "What did you have in mind?"

Alec ducks to mouth up his neck again before reaching out to hold his hand, threading them together as he pulls Magnus up from the couch.

* * *

"I mean it. As soon as you're not coughing and sneezing everywhere, I'm taking you to see a doctor. You shouldn't still be like this, Magnus."

This cold, which started out a couple of weeks ago as what had only felt like an extension to the excruciating headaches he's been getting has left Magnus shaking, and weak, too exhausted to do much of anything. How he's managed to teach any of his lectures this week when all his symptoms have been worse he doesn't know, but there is a mound of various forms of paperwork building up that make his head thud for the thought of having to face any of it. He smiles at Alec as he approaches wishing there was more he could do to reassure him.

Alec slides the tray he's carrying to a small table he's dragged closer to the bed and perches there, holding out his hands. Magnus grips on to him and lets himself be pulled upright, immediately sinking back into the pillows Alec quickly slots behind his back to prop him up.

"I'm not that bad."

"You're wincing at me like the light's too bright, and we've got almost all the curtains closed. There's not even a lamp on in this room."

"But—"

"And," Alec continues, carefully sliding the tray over to rest in Magnus' lap, "you've been sick. Twice. You're shivering, your temperature is all over the place. And I can't remember the last time you slept all night."

Magnus looks at the soup Alec's made him and pleads with his stomach not to heave while he's still in the room with him, forcing himself to pick up a spoon. "I don't feel too bad."

"But even a _little_ bad is bad enough," Alec points out, watching as Magnus dips the spoon into the bowl and raises it up to his mouth.

Alec doesn't know about the nightmares; not the extent of them, anyway. Doesn't know he hasn't slept a full night in months. Magnus' perception of time is confused, as though he's viewing it from different angles and perspectives at the same time. A moment alone feels like a lifetime, and yet a month in company seems to pass in an hour.

Magnus forces himself to smile around his spoon, swallowing the soup and pretending it's not making his throat feel like it's on fire. That his stomach doesn't want to force it straight back out.

"You're fooling no one," Alec says wish a frustrated laugh, carefully leaning in so as not to jostle the tray and pressing a long kiss to his forehead. "Take these."

Magnus looks at the pills being pressed into his palm and raises them to his mouth, takes the offered glass of water to swallow them down with, and puts on what he hopes is a grateful smile. "I'll be fine."

"Yes. You _will_. Because I'm not working today, and am gonna make sure you stay in this bed—"

"Well, if you wanted to have the day in bed with me—"

"I do," Alec laughs, "and the sooner you're _better_ , the sooner we can have that. A whole weekend, maybe. But for now, eat. And rest."

"But—"

"I already called Anthony."

Magnus closes his eyes and groans at the thought of his obnoxious department head, can already picture the scowl on his face for hearing his news. "What did he say?"

"To tell you not to worry. That your classes will be covered. And to see a _doctor_ ," Alec replies. Magnus opens his eyes not realizing he'd closed them to catch Alec's raised eyebrow, and forces another spoon of soup in his mouth.

"That's… something."

"Finish your soup," Alec insists with a soft smile, leaning in for another kiss as he stands.

"Where are you going?"

"Laundry. Groceries. Picking up that suit you insisted on dry cleaning when it _says_ it's machine washable."

Magnus struggles to remember the one he's talking about but smiles as though he understands.

"Eat," Alec insists, standing with his arms folded until he sees Magnus raise his spoon again, and nods in approval.

Magnus waits for Alec to leave the room before dropping it back into the bowl, wondering if he can flush it down the toilet without Alec noticing.

* * *

"Do you know a Luke Garroway?" Alec asks as he settles behind him, pulling Magnus closer until his chest is flush with his back. Magnus wriggles to get comfortable in his arms, winces at the hard slosh of foamy water that threatens to spill from their bathtub, and hums at the kisses pressed up the length of his neck. He's feeling better; not enough to leave the apartment just yet, but there is renewed strength in his limbs, and this morning he's actually _wanted_ to get out of bed.

"I don't think so," Magnus replies, "not well, anyway. The name seems familiar, but I can't place why."

"Works at a precinct across the city. Not even sure what he was doing in our district, really, but. He was there."

"Doing what?" Magnus asks, closing his eyes to the sweep of Alec's hands over his thighs and chest. The bath water is just the right temperature of a little too hot, something in his memory reminding him Alec's had to adjust to the heat that he likes.

"I'm not sure. I think he was looking for someone."

"Can you… I have a knot," Magnus says then, changing the subject, wrapping his fingers through Alec's and raising them to press to the back of his neck. "Right there."

"Here?" Alec asks, pressing his thumb in a tight circle that sends a twist of delicious tautness along Magnus' spine.

"Yes."

"This is what you get for stooping over the dining table to mark when you could be relaxing on the couch," Alec chides, first kissing over the tender spot then raising both thumbs to massage away the tension, his fingers in a soothing squeeze over his shoulders as he does.

"That's good," Magnus says thickly, letting his head fall forward a little, and the tension beginning to drain away for Alec's touch.

"I wish you'd let me take you to a doctor, Magnus."

"I'm better," Magnus replies, though can't hide the fresh wave of tension for Alec's words. He listens to him sigh in exasperation, feels an indignant kiss to the back of his head, and fights with himself to find something to say.

"Anyway. I was saying," Alec says, beating him to it, "this _Luke_. He was outside the firehouse today, and I got talking to him; I don't really know why."

"Oh?"

"He was just asking how things were going. Your name came up; I got the impression he knew you from somewhere."

"I can't think. Perhaps an event or something at the college."

"Maybe," Alec agrees, still working on that knot. "I just… he seemed like a nice guy, but I—it was just a weird conversation, I guess."

"How so?"

"I just… it was like he was telling me stuff he thought I already knew, and at the same time wasn't telling me anything at all. Like he was having to think before he said a single word."

"I suppose that comes from working with the police."

"C'mon, Magnus," Alec laughs, pressing a kiss over where he's massaging before sweeping a wide, warm hand over it. "What would be the point of a cop acting suspicious?"

"Perhaps he wasn't. Perhaps it is _you_ who is suspicious," Magnus teases, earning himself an indignant wriggle against his back. Fingers slide around his sides in a too-light grip making him shiver, and even though he knows what's coming, he still squeals out when Alec begins to tickle him. He tries to turn away, sends a cascade of water that they'll have to mop from their floor later, though flips just enough to deposit a handful of suds on Alec's head, and their battle has begun.

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) a headsup: what looks like is happening is not necessarily happening. Which... doesn't help, I know. If you have questions I have ears ;)
> 
> Having said that. Because certain things here look like other things (...being vague is hard work), I understand that there might be a part to this storyline in relation to illness that could be difficult for some. If that's the case I'll put a note at the end that is kind of spoiler-y but will hopefully reassure you.

"And how long has this been happening?"

The doctor's voice is monotone, as though he's heard these symptoms a thousand times before and is uninterested in them, or ticking them off on a mental list. Though it's not his tone of disinterest that's holding back Magnus' words, but the line of tension that is Alec pressed firmly beside him, caused for Alec hearing all his symptoms in full for the first time.

Yesterday, he'd run out of excuses for Alec about why he didn't need to see a doctor. Waking in a cold sweat screaming out for names he doesn't know, fearful of forms he doesn't recognize, was apparently the last straw. That, and possibly Magnus locking himself in the bathroom staring his cat eyes down in the mirror until he could convince them to disappear, as Alec pounded furiously on the door in fear for him, begging to be let in. Perhaps the chair he'd wedged under the door handle so he  _couldn't_ get in was a step too far, Magnus thinks in hindsight, hit with a fresh wall of memory for the relieved sob Alec had given once he'd got him in his arms.

"I don't know, exactly," Magnus tries to say, feeling further rigidity in Alec's posture, though he laces their hands together and kisses the back of Magnus' in solidarity, so he can't be too mad at him.

"Can you estimate?" the doctor asks, still making copious notes. Magnus is not sure what he might be writing, but doesn't like knowing it's about _him_.

"It feels like always. At the same time as it feels like not very long."

Magnus is trying to be honest, but how can he make his words clear verbally, if he can't get them straight in his head?

"Any symptoms that have been more prominent?"

Magnus closes his eyes, blinks them open again, and tries to think.

"He's had headaches on and off for a few weeks now. More than that; maybe it's coming up to two months," Alec says with a further squeeze of his hand. "They weren't too bad to begin with; I just thought he was being stubborn and needed to maybe change his prescription for glasses."

"Well, I would advise a further test of that to make sure," the doctor replies, still with that dull tone to his voice. Magnus bristles with indignance for it, feeling that he's being dismissed.

"The dreams are probably the most constant issue for me."

Alec stiffens further next to him, mumbling the word _dreams_ at him in clear dismay. Magnus feels terrible for it, for keeping anything from Alec at all. He's only not gone into much detail about them not to worry him, but he also knows that were the situation reversed he wouldn't be pleased. Though from the look on Alec's face it's beginning to dawn on him what all those cold sweats and sleepless nights have been caused by. He looks _guilty_ for not realizing the dreams are as bad as they have been, and unthinkingly, Magnus raises and kisses the back of his hand.

"What happens in the dreams?" the doctor asks, finally looking up.

"Well," Magnus says, clearing his throat and looking away, "I am _me_ , though I am not me. I am another… version of me, I suppose."

"In what way?"

"I am… powerful. Potentially dangerous. Perhaps even _evil_ , at times. At least," Magnus says, clearing his throat, "it feels as though I have the potential to be evil. Though whoever this version of me is, I don't believe they truly _are_ evil. Or that _I_ am."

"Is there anything else different about these dreams? Different to your regular life?"

"I don't teach argumentative college students," Magnus says with a rueful smile. "Nor do I do any kind of work that I recognize. I can't even honestly tell you what it _is_ I do for work."

"Then perhaps that is all it is," the doctor says, finally kind.

"What?" Alec says, concern punching the word from his mouth.

"If you are unhappy in your work, or feel… powerless. Dissatisfied. Even out of your depth; your dreams perhaps are your way of dealing with that."

Again, Magnus feels dismissed. He doesn't mind as such, but it's Alec that insisted they come here, and Alec that's losing sleep worrying about him, so he pushes ahead. "I also don't wear glasses in the dreams."

"Then perhaps you don't particularly like wearing glasses," the doctor replies.

"I don't even have my eyes," Magnus adds, and if that doesn't make the doctor at least appear interested.

"Dare I ask whose eyes you do have?"

"Oh, they're mine, they're just not these," Magnus says, gesturing at his face.

"I'm afraid I don't understand—"

"They're my eyes, but they're not regular eyes. They're… cat eyes."

The doctor nods to himself and his face softens into an even kinder smile. "Mr. Bane. Is there anything you are not telling me?"

"Such as?" Magnus asks, fearful of things he shouldn't be saying coiling in his gut—even if he doesn't know what those things are.

"Is there… are there events in your life that you feel particular guilt for?"

Flashes of blurry images strike at Magnus. Fire, tension, anger, noise swirling around him as though it means to consume him. Death, loss, pain, an endless agony of being alone. There is a bridge, there are people he thinks he should save but doesn't, or can't, or won't. And there is blood, and destruction, which in this flash of dream that feels like a memory Magnus thinks is because of _him_.

"None that I can think of."

"Magnus has never done anything bad in his life," Alec replies indignantly, once again squeezing his hand.

"I'm sure—"

"I mean it," Alec insists. "He's studied hard, worked his way through school with no help from anyone—"

"Your family didn't support you?" the doctor asks.

"Orphaned. No brothers or sisters. No family at all," Magnus adds. It puts an ache in his stomach and makes him yearn for a life that he feels like he's longed for, and yet has always knowns he can never have.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm telling you; he's never done anything wrong," Alec repeats adamantly.

"And I am sure that is true," the doctor smiles, "though the mind does play tricks on us at times. If there is something you are suppressing or an event that you feel perhaps you are responsible for, it could very well be forming the backdrop to these dreams."

"Okay—"

"Cat eyes, you said. With vertical slits?" the doctor asks.

"Yes."

"Mr. Bane. There are those who… when they feel they are to blame for something, will often associate themselves with the devil. Or anything evil."

"The devil?"

"The slit eyes, the abnormality, or unnaturalness of them; it is nothing more than a visual representation," the doctor says with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Just an outward expression of what you perceive to be evil within you."

Magnus thinks that's ridiculous. "Would those same cat eyes then still catch in my reflection when I am awake?"

The doctor raises an eyebrow, and Magnus can feel Alec's eyes on his face but daren't look to catch his expression. "The dream is manifesting during waking hours?"

"On occasion," Magnus nods. "I have avoided making eye contact—seeing my reflection, for… I don't remember how long."

The doctor stares back at him, waiting for him to say anything else. Magnus struggles to find it.

"Sometimes I feel as though there is something missing from me. Not in a sense that I am missing something from my life; my life is good," Magnus adds with a warm smile for Alec, hoping he can feel the love he has for him in his expression. His life with Alec _is_ good; he couldn't want for better.

"Then—"

"I feel as though there is something else I should have in me. Or on me. Or… sometimes I look down at my hands and expect to see my fingers adorned with rings," Magnus settles for saying, ignoring the occasional idea that there should be something powerful bursting from his palms.

"Then—"

"Or that my clothing should be more elaborate. Ornate."

"Then perhaps you are just seeking a new way to express yourself," the doctor suggests.

"Look," Alec says, beginning to sound as though he is losing his patience. "He hasn't been sleeping well, and when he has slept he's having nightmares—apparently far worse than I've known about. Sometimes he forgets things; names, places, people, stuff like that. And the few bad dreams I've woken him up from, he doesn't remember. At least, he _tells_ me he doesn't remember."

Magnus winces. Alec has to be thinking there's other stuff he hasn't told him if he's learning new things about his _symptoms_ now. "Only a continuation of those dreams."

"He's been sick a few times," Alec adds, staring back at him for another second before turning to the doctor. "His appetite's all over the place. The headaches can be awful. He's had both a fever and been shivering with cold. This isn't just something in his imagination."

"Even if it was, that wouldn't mean we should dismiss what is happening," the doctor replies, and his face is possibly the most genuine it's been since they walked in. "We should run some blood tests. Ensure there is nothing like an underlying infection or another ailment that is causing these things."

Magnus has the urge to run. He has the oddest feeling he's not supposed to just hand over his blood to anyone, but he can't find a reason for it. So he nods and waits for further information.

"First though, I'll examine your eyes, if you'll allow it."

Magnus nods. Turns as guided, allows the doctor to move his head, replies when he asks about pain in his neck, or temples, with a firm no.

"Where is the headache?" the doctor asks, gesturing with a light he's about to shine in his eyes.

Magnus panics again, sure he's not supposed to let people do that. But he sits perfectly still, lets the light hit his retinas and is relieved when the doctor doesn't pull away from him in alarm. "It's mostly to the back of my head. Though when it presses down particularly hard, it feels as though it's pushing my head into my neck."

"Follow my finger," the doctor instructs. Magnus does as asked, watching the doctor for his expression.

"I can't see anything wrong," he says as he stands and turns away. "We'll check your blood pressure while we have you."

Magnus sits obediently as he's hooked up to the blood pressure monitor, offering Alec a reassuring smile. There is a brief examination to follow for which Magnus keeps his eyes on Alec's the entire time.

"You seem, at least externally, to be in perfect health," the doctor says once he's finished. "We'll take that blood, run some tests."

Magnus watches him draw blood in fascination, surprised that the vials fill red, rather than black, or green, or any other color. Agrees that he'll wait to hear for a call about the results, and thanks the doctor as Alec leads him out, firmly holding on to his hand.

* * *

"It's good I'm not working again for two more days."

Magnus takes in the exhaustion in Alec's voice and raises his head up just enough to see the blissed out expression on his face, smiling before knocking his hand against Alec's back.

"Is that because you just wore yourself out?"

"Hey," Alec says with a smile as he shuffles closer and leans in to kiss Magnus' already kiss-bruised lips. "Don't act like you're not the _reason_ I wore myself out."

Magnus looks down at his stomach still splattered with come, takes in the sweat glistening on Alec's forehead as his breath evens out, and angles up for another kiss. "I said no such thing."

"Good," Alec replies, kissing him slow and unhurried, then whispering for Magnus to wait for him as he crawls his way off the bed with a groan.

Magnus isn't going anywhere. He's warm, sated, limbs beginning to throb with a pleasant ache. And besides, it's the weekend, a full two days ahead, made even better for the rarity of getting to share all of it with Alec.

"Want me to order take out?" Alec asks as he comes back into their bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed and cleaning Magnus up with a soft, warm towel. "I don't feel like cooking, and you only just got home an hour ago."

"And what an hour it's been," Magnus replies, sweeping his hand up Alec's upper arm. Alec smiles at that, grabbing and kissing the back of his hand.

"So? You hungry?"

"Starving," Magnus agrees. The clean bill of health given to him by his doctor seems to have returned his appetite, and he hasn't had a bad headache in over a week.

"Anything you feel like?"

Magnus reels off the name of their favorite Thai house, and smiles his way into another kiss, sinking back against their pillows with a satisfied sigh. Alec knows his order without even needing to ask, and Magnus knows that by the time he gets out of bed in a few minutes, Alec would have probably already opened a favorite bottle of wine, pouring them both a glass.

Magnus looks down at his body, familiar and yet still with that sense of not quite being his, but it's easier to ignore it right now. An overactive imagination coupled with workplace stress is what his doctor has suggested, and though he has to go back in a month's time for a review, Magnus is feeling pretty good.

He stretches his limbs before slowly standing, pulling on a pair of lounge pants and grabbing another pair for Alec, knowing he's happily wandering naked around their apartment. He's more comfortable shirtless and barefoot at the very least, usually stripping off the second he gets home from work, and Magnus is more than grateful for the view. It's just if Alec's ordering food, the last thing Magnus wants to think about is the delivery guy getting an eyeful. Alec takes the offered pants even as he's finishing the order, dropping his cell phone to the dining table as he pulls them on.

"Wine?" he calls, already making his way to the kitchen.

"Of course."

"Was today okay?"

"It was good," Magnus replies as he joins him, stealing a kiss as Alec passes. "An interesting debate in our theology class, and not one excuse about late assignments."

"Does that mean you need to spend some time marking this weekend?" Alec asks as he holds a glass out to him.

"I should. But not now. And it's Friday night; the last thing I want to think about is work."

"We could go out if you wanted," Alec suggests, though Magnus can hear the reluctance in his voice and feels the same.

"I'd rather not. Just here, with you, is weekend enough," Magnus replies, wrapping an arm around Alec's waist.

"Sounds good."

"Sophia was asking after you again today," Magnus adds with an absent kiss to Alec's shoulder.

"She was?" Alec laughs. Magnus hums against him and smiles, thinking of the guest lecturer he occasionally sees on the campus, and how she seems to seek him out whenever she's around.

"Yes. I think she is quite enamored with you," he teases, leaning against Alec as he, in turn, leans back against the counter.

"Yeah, well, not interested," Alec says with a huff, spreading his hand wide over Magnus' ass.

"Oh, I don't fear it is anything like _that_ ," Magnus replies. "I think after that… _incident_ , at the work party—"

"It wasn't my fault they'd spiked that punch," Alec protests, already blushing furiously.

Magnus thinks back to the work party they'd had a few months ago for a former colleague's retirement. How Alec had been eager though nervous to meet his colleagues and had drunk his way through several glasses of punch before realizing just how much alcohol it contained. Sophia had appeared at their side when Alec had announced he was feeling sick and had helped Magnus lead Alec outside for some air. She'd sat with him as Magnus had gone back inside for some water, and the concern on her face as he'd returned had made him charge forward in alarm.

"I think she is just a natural caregiver and wanted to check that you were okay," Magnus says with a fond smile for his colleague, nuzzling at Alec's blush.

"Yeah, well. I'm fine. And I _was_ fine," Alec insists, squeezing Magnus tight before nudging for them to move, leading him over to the couch.

"In any case," Magnus says with a kiss to Alec's temple as he sits beside him, "she was asking how you were."

"I hope you told her I was looking forward to a weekend _alone_ with my husband."

"Oh, I did," Magnus smiles, leaning in for another kiss. "I told her I had great plans for keeping you to myself."

"I am yours," Alec says with a shrug in reply. Magnus lifts and ducks under Alec's arm, folding himself into his side.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Magnus' _illness_ : there are several things happening with Magnus that might come across as various forms of illness, both mental and physical. Magnus is _not_ sick. Something is definitely happening to him, but he isn't sick, honestly. Think of it more like something in between an allergic reaction to something or the immune system fighting off a cold; it's neither of those things but that's as good as an analogy as I can give.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)
> 
> I'd like to point out that this fic was written in entirety before season 3 started. So if there are a couple of lines or things that sound similar (that I noticed on a final proofread just now) they are purely coincidental!

"It's been a really weird day today," Alec announces the moment he's through the door, crossing the apartment in a few quick steps and crowding Magnus back against the kitchen counter he's preparing dinner at. "Hello."

"Hello," Magnus replies with a smile against Alec's lips, hooking his hands behind him since Alec didn't give him the chance to put down the spoon in his hand—or more worryingly, the knife. "Why was it weird?"

Alec hums in answer, apparently having distracted himself from his own words by kissing him. Magnus isn't complaining, though he'd really like to put down this knife.

"Well," Alec says as he steps back without warning, taking the spoon and knife from Magnus's fingers and dropping them with a clatter to the counter before hoisting him up on another. "Ever get the impression people are following you?"

"Following me?" Magnus says with a curious smile. _Yes_ , is the obvious answer; Magnus feels like strangers have been watching him for months. Perhaps not even strangers; just people he thinks he should know, but doesn't.

"Yeah," Alec insists, nudging his way between Magnus' knees and stroking his hands up his thighs.

"Not really. Not ever in fact. Unless," Magnus says, draping his hands over Alec's shoulders and kissing him again, "you count the students who are late turning in their assignments and follow me to my office in the hope of talking me into an extension."

"No," Alec laughs, "I didn't mean those."

"Then?"

"It was weird," Alec says again, and Magnus knows to get comfortable for the expression on his face. It's telling that his first thing to do after their kiss wasn't to get changed like he would normally do. "At the firehouse, just as we were prepping for an exercise, this blond guy seemed to appear out of nowhere, staring in at us, and just… I don't know; looking around."

"Any idea who he was?"

"Not a clue," Alec replies, squeezing Magnus' hips. "But he was gone when I went outside to check."

"Why were you the one to do that?"

"Because," Alec smiles, "I'm nosey. And plus, there was something about him that was… off."

"You recognized him?"

"I did, and I didn't."

"Okay—"

"And the funny thing is, we had a fire at an office—"

"That was _funny_?"

"Magnus," Alec laughs, "no. Of course it wasn't."

"Then?" Magnus says with an arch against him.

"When we were done, I could swear the same guy was outside the building we were in."

"Coincidence, perhaps," Magnus suggests. "What caused the fire?"

"Somebody tried to wedge a bagel in a toaster," Alec says with an eye roll that says just how stupid he thinks this person is. "And they'd left it to go do something else; smoke alarm hadn't been tested, and probably hadn't worked in months. So by the time they noticed the smell—and the smoke—the kitchen was up in flames. We had to evacuate the whole building to make sure it was safe."

"Is everyone okay?"

"They are," Alec smiles with a kiss to his cheek, wrapping his arms around Magnus' waist and pulling him to the edge of the counter for a hug. Magnus convinces himself he can still smell the soot of that fire in Alec's hair, and knows Alec will be leaving him in a few minutes to shower.

"Was that your only fire today?"

"It was," Alec agrees, raising his hands to cup Magnus' face and kiss him once more, then moving so he can jump back down. "I had a fire safety talk at a highschool—"

"Oh, I imagine that went down well," Magnus teases. He can already picture a room full of swooning, hormonal teens sighing and simpering at the sight of Alec at the front of their class. And the teachers, of course; they'd be foolish not to.

Alec's answering blush tells Magnus enough. He kisses one of those blushing cheeks and goes back to preparing dinner.

"The guy was there too," Alec says, hands at his waist from behind before wrapping his arms around Magnus, pressing kisses up the length of his neck.

"The guy? The blond guy?"

"Yes," Alec says, reaching out and stealing a piece of tomato, jolting his arm away before Magnus can slap the back of his hand. "I think I saw him a total of six times. I half-expected to see him when I came home."

Magnus feels uneasy for the thought of someone following Alec, can picture this blond man who is watching him. Knows his face, recognizes his expression, even without seeing him for himself. There's even a _name_ for him on the tip of his tongue that won't quite come out. He's important to Alec, Magnus thinks, but he can't remember _why_.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asks, slotting his hand through Alec's and bringing it to press against his stomach.

"I'm fine. It was just weird, and it kind of stuck in my head," Alec tells him with a final kiss to the back of his neck.

"Okay—"

"I mean, I guess part of it was because he had tattoos so like mine," Alec adds. "Maybe we got them done in the same parlor, or something."

Magnus listens to Alec's announcement that he's going to take a shower, goes over the constant mystery that is the when and where of Alec's tattoos in his head. Tries to shake away the image of mismatched eyes staring accusingly at him, and forces his thoughts back to preparing dinner, intent on a quiet, intimate evening with Alec.

* * *

There is something military-like about Alec. Magnus doesn't know why the thought has only just occurred to him, but as he watches him sparring at their local gym, he also doesn't know why he's never noticed before. There is precision in his movements that speaks of repetitive training, and his aims are perfected through every stance. Even when he stands sometimes when he's talking about something formal, or concentrating, there's a certain rigidity to his spine. Parade rest, or standing at ease, or something, Magnus wants to call it.

It's also in his focus. Perhaps Magnus has lost a little time thinking of his husband going into burning buildings and the methodological way he knows he must work, and those thoughts have been erring on lustful for that determined set of his jaw Alec gets when he's on a _mission_ of any kind. But as Magnus works his way through the final mile of his cross-trainer with his eyes on Alec, all these thoughts assault him at once.

They don't speak much about their past, of course, although now he's thinking about it, Magnus isn't sure why. He assumes there must be some kind of military service in Alec's family. He wants to ask, aware that there are so many gaps in his memories of Alec and so many other things he's sure he's never even known. But there's also his own past that he's so often vague about; not through not wanting to share, but through not being able to remember all that much beyond a few years. And even those years have gaping months in them he doesn't remember a single moment of.

Magnus watches Alec throw his sparring partner over his shoulder with ease, smiling as he crashes to the mat beneath them with a groan. Alec holds a hand out to haul him up and slaps the man on the shoulder with an easy, winning smile, and turns to walk towards him.

Alec looks as though he's lived a life waging battles, Magnus thinks with a huff of laughter at himself. And if that's too far-fetched, then at least a life of leading, and organizing other people to fight those battles. That Alec never goes for promotion at work and is happy to just be a part of his crew doesn't seem _right_ to Magnus. Perhaps he's biased, but he thinks Alec is capable of so much more.

"If you're gonna watch, you can always come spar _with_ me," Alec says, appearing in Magnus' field of vision a couple of feet in front of him and bringing Magnus' thoughts back from where they've been wandering.

"Perhaps I was just enjoying the view," Magnus says, climbing down from the cross-trainer.

Alec hums, looking him up and down before leaning in for a soft kiss. "You about done?"

Magnus smiles, gesturing towards the weights section. Alec reaches out to slide his hands up Magnus' arms and squeeze around them with a teasing wink, briefly tangles their fingers together, and nudges for him to follow.

* * *

"Alec. Alexander; please wake up."

Magnus shakes his arm a little firmer than he has the previous couple of times he's tried to rouse him and sags in relief when Alec gasps himself awake. He watches Alec's eyes dart out over the ceiling, keeps his hand firm on his arm hoping to reassure him with the weight of it. And when Alec's breath has evened, Magnus strokes a path down to his hand.

"Magnus," Alec calls out in a gasp slotting their fingers together and squeezing. Magnus folds himself over him, pressing kisses over his neck and shoulder, closing his eyes as Alec wraps his free arm tight around him.

"Are you okay?"

"I was dreaming."

"I know," Magnus replies, huddling closer for a moment before pulling back just enough to kiss him. "You were yelling."

"I didn't mean to wake you—"

"I don't mind if you wake me," Magnus tells him with a firm shake of his head before kissing him again. "I mind if you're having nightmares."

"I don't know if it was a nightmare, really; not like you've been having, anyway," Alec replies, slotting hand through the back of Magnus' hair to keep him in place for another kiss, then tucking him back into his neck.

"It sounded like a—"

"There were… monsters," Alec says, his words full of doubt, and even a little mortification.

"What kind?" Magnus asks, ignoring the way his heart thuds for the images Alec's words are already conjuring.

"I don't know. Never seen anything like them before."

"Then—"

"But I was fighting them," Alec says, with a self-deprecating laugh.

"You were?"

"Yeah," Alec says, kissing the back of his head. "With a... bow and arrow, of all things."

"That's… interesting," Magnus replies. It sounds fantastical, but Magnus can picture it vividly. Alec stood tall, strong, and proud, clad head to toe in black with a thigh holster holding a strange-looking blade. Determination in his stare as he waits with his bow poised, ready to strike. And the _monsters_ , Magnus adds to himself, squeezing his eyes tighter shut, he can see them too. Huge, fierce, demonic things that are pouring out of a hole in the street. If he thinks hard enough, it's a street he recognizes here in New York.

"It's stupid," Alec huffs, but Magnus can feel him relaxing. His heart rate is already reducing, and there's a return to softness in his limbs.

"Dreams rarely make any sense," Magnus says sounding far wiser than he feels, blatantly ignoring his own dreams that also, he supposes, can't be classed as nightmares. Not when they are so vivid, and real, and so very much like the one Alec has just shared.

"The ones I have about you always do," Alec counters, nudging for Magnus to move a little, and smiling up at him full of love; even if it's barely visible in the small amount of light spilling in from outside.

"You dream of me?" Magnus asks, unable to keep the smile from his voice.

"Of course I do," Alec replies, resting one hand on the small of Magnus' back as he settles on him, and the other cupping his cheek.

"But you have me," Magnus smiles, bending enough to kiss him. "You married me; I am yours for life."

"When we're awake," Alec points out with a hint of teasing. "Maybe I need you when I'm sleeping as well. I do; I need you all the time."

Magnus doesn't know how to answer that, not for the sweet, open honesty in Alec's expression. He shifts enough to kiss him, heart surging with love for the man beneath him, not sure how he got so lucky to have him in his life.

* * *

"We need to go."

"Magnus?"

Alec's still half-asleep, and Magnus can hear from the gruffness in his tone that he's nowhere near enough to being properly awake.

"Alexander, we have to leave. Immediately," Magnus replies, his heart racing so fearfully it feels impossible to breathe.

"What happened?"

Magnus shakes his head at Alec's words, returning to their closet for another armful of clothes and shoving them into the bag he's packing at the foot of their bed. The force of it seems to jolt Alec further awake because he's sitting up suddenly, hand out in a curious sweep over the bag strap.

"Uh… Magnus? Where are you going?"

"Get up," Magnus hisses, frightened that whoever it is that's listening to them might hear. "And it's not _me_ going; it's _us_ going. Alexander, please; you have to get dressed. I don't know how much time we have."

"Time for what?"

Alec sounds perplexed, worried even; Magnus is frustrated that he can't force the urgency into him that he needs him to have.

" _Please_ , Alec," Magnus says, reaching out to grip his shoulder, "please get up for me. We need to leave. Before they get here."

It's too much. The world is closing in on him, and every time he closes his eyes Magnus can _feel_ them watching. It's dangerous, whatever it is, whoever it is that is coming for them. This impending sense of doom has been lingering, but over the past week it's been more vivid, sharper in his attention.

There are people watching him, he's sure of it. Faces he should recognize but doesn't appearing on the college campus, or on the short walk he takes to work. Magnus imagines they must be watching Alec too; he's referred to the _blond_ man a couple more times since that first one. And there's a girl Magnus is forever seeing downstairs from their apartment that always seems to be watching him. Sorrowful eyes and flaming hair that catches in the sunlight that he follows the back of when she disappears into crowds.

They are watching them. Whoever they are, whatever they want. And it's no longer _safe_. Magnus has felt this a few times now but talked himself out of it, added extra locks to their apartment and reiterated to Alec the importance of being vigilant on his way to work. At least when he's with his crew Magnus can feel more sure that no harm will come to him. But with just _him_ for company, Alec is _not_ safe. Magnus loathes that he's not enough to protect him; even if he's not sure what he needs protecting from.

"Magnus. Please tell me what's happening."

Magnus pauses to watch Alec throw back their comforter and walk around the side of the bed, goes when immediately pulled into his arms. Magnus tries to concentrate, organize his thoughts, focus on the view of Alec's chest, but can't.

"It's not safe," he whispers loudly, wriggling to be let free and returning to putting more things in the bag. If they get to an ATM soon maybe they can withdraw all their money so there's no card trail for anyone to follow. They can change cell phones on the move, change numbers, leave everything else behind until it's safe to return. If it will ever be.

"Magnus," Alec says, crowding up against him and kissing Magnus hard until the charger he's snatched up falls from his fingers. "You're scaring me—"

"You _should_ be scared—"

"Why, Magnus?" Alec pleads softly, hands up and over his face as though he's feeling for something. Or looking for something. Magnus doesn't know.

"Because. They're _here_."

"Who are?"

"I don't know who they are," Magnus yells in frustration, wrenching from his grip once again. "I just know that they are _here_."

"I think maybe we need to go back to see another doctor."

"A doctor?" Magnus asks faintly, debating a second bag and deciding against it thinking it's best if they travel light.

"Magnus."

Magnus tenses up at the hands slipping around him from behind, the reassuring solidness of a chest to be pulled against allowing him a moment of peace from the screaming in his mind.

"Magnus," Alec whispers, kissing up his neck, "we're okay. We're safe—"

"We're _not_ —"

"Magnus," Alec whispers again, squeezing him a little tighter and swaying Magnus in his arms. "I'm so sorry your nightmares have—"

"They're not _nightmares_. They're _real_ ," Magnus insists. They're too vivid and far too detailed and too _much_ to only be nightmares. They exist, in this world, with them. And it's not safe.

"We're okay," Alec tells him, further kisses up the side of his neck, "we're okay."

"We're _not_ —"

"Magnus," Alec says, turning him in his arms and looping his arms low around his waist, secure but loose. "Magnus; this is the fourth time we've woken up together with you telling me someone is coming for us."

 _It is?_ Magnus asks himself, sure this sense of urgency has only pieced together to make sense just now.

"Magnus," Alec whispers, nuzzling against his cheek and looking so worried for him it freezes Magnus from trying to wriggle from his grip again. "This is the second time I've woken up to you packing us a bag."

Magnus is completely lost. That makes no sense at all. He's only just—

"Magnus," Alec says softly, dropping kisses over his face before wrapping him up tight in his arms, his own heart thudding hard against Magnus' chest. "I think we need to… I think you need to see somebody else. We've been back to that doctor so many times now, and he just—"

"Alec—"

"I think maybe we need some more tests."

 _Tests_? Magnus thinks, then tries to shake his head, and then tries to remember all these doctor's visits he's supposed to have had. "The results. My bloodwork came back fine. My headaches are gone. The medication for them is—"

"But your dreams—and whatever _this_ is—"

" _This_?"

"Magnus," Alec says, his voice trembling a little even as Magnus listens to him try to keep it steady. "These dreams… these ideas that we're in some kind of trouble—"

"We are. _You_ are; I have to keep you safe—"

"We _are_ safe," Alec says, leaning back just enough to cup his face and staring so hard at Magnus he daren't even blink. "We _are_ safe. Both of us are. I just think… maybe it's a good idea just to get a second opinion. Just talk to someone else."

"Alec—"

"I'm worried that you're sick."

Alec's words stop Magnus in his tracks, sure even his heart has come to a stop. "Sick?"

"I think maybe… I don't know what, but I think maybe you are. Sick."

"I don't—"

"Whatever it is," Alec says, kissing him sweetly, and to Magnus' horror, there are tears in his eyes as he speaks, "whatever this is. Whatever you need. I'm here for you, Magnus. I love you. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours—for life."

Magnus is sure he doesn't _feel_ sick. There are truths bubbling beneath the surface, secrets that are trying to force their way out. And there are truths that he knows; more than anything, Alec's love from him, and his love for Alec. But there are other things that Magnus is worried Alec has no knowledge of. No memories about. He has to help him remember, Magnus thinks with alarm, wondering how he could be so stupid not to have noticed.

"Maybe—"

"Let's go back to bed, huh?" Alec whispers, lacing their fingers together and tugging, dropping their half-packed bag to the floor, and tucking them back beneath their comforter.

Magnus settles on Alec's chest pressing a kiss there before his cheek, closes his eyes to the warmth of Alec's arms around him, and falls to sleep planning ways to get Alec's memories back.

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

The lecture theatre is warm, stifling even. The room feels too small, and as Magnus tries to concentrate on the students filing in to fill the seats in front of him, the only way he can describe the air as is _tight_. Magnus runs a finger around the collar of his shirt popping the top two buttons, takes several large gulps of his too-cold water, and frantically tells himself to think.

"Good morning," he answers in response to a passing student, pasting on what he hopes is a wide enough smile to make him appear at ease. He's anything but; these lectures that are full of material and knowledge that he knows he's been aware of all his life seem alien to him currently. Both true and untrue, half-truths disguising the honesty that he really means.

Magnus glances down at the papers on his desk to jog his memory of the subject for discussion today, pleads with his thoughts to unfog just enough to get the words out.

The lecture goes well. Once he starts speaking those thoughts flow freely. He watches furious scribblers and analytical thinkers as well as those zoning out and staring blankly across the room. Magnus anticipates questions, tries to appease in advance the groans he knows he'll hear for the assignment he's about to give them. Wonders how Alec's day is going, which gives him something extra to smile about.

Alec has been so good to him. These nightmares and strange bursts of paranoia that have come to take up so much of their time together must be terrifying to have to observe, and hard to navigate through. But Alec is strong, resolute by his side for every step of them. Doesn't belittle him when he worries, responds calmly and helps him rationalize his way back from wherever his mind has decided to take him.

There is a part of him that thinks he shouldn't be working. That he should submit himself for testing and get some peace away from everything for a short while. Though what he needs peace from in his life he isn't certain; his life with Alec is small, uncomplicated, with their small circle of friends and the things they like to do together, and little else.

Magnus thinks about not working then, about being alone with the constant company of his own thoughts, and shudders at the idea of it, turning his attention back to the class in front. At least here he is mostly free of the paranoia that has him waking in a sweat so many mornings. At least here, he has sanctity from that.

"Any further questions?" he asks, taking one directed from the second row to his left. Though, he's thinking, realizing it belatedly, that the lecture theatre seems unusually full today, with additional faces present that he both recognizes and doesn't. There feels like twice as many people staring at him than there are visible, and Magnus is certain without even looking for them, that there are weapons concealed out of sight.

Magnus keeps his voice calm, and level, answers and takes more questions as composed as he can appear. But he's planning. There are two exits from this theatre, and since he knows that any action that's going to happen will be once his students have been dismissed, Magnus doesn't take the time to warn any of them, already knowing they will be safe.

They're closing in. That tightness in the air is pressing in on him. Magnus realizes they're not here to attack him, but to trap him. Though he has no intention of being taken anywhere. He says his final goodbyes to his students, acts calmer than he feels as he packs his satchel, and waits until the very last student is out of sight.

Magnus lifts his head, telling his fingers they do not tremble where they're pressed against the desk for the reassurance of something solid, and clears his throat.

"What do you want?"

* * *

"Where is he?"

Magnus' first thought when he gasps himself awake is how odd, but _good_ it is to hear Alec's voice here at the college. Alec sometimes visits to bring him lunch or meet him for the walk home if he's not at work himself, and it's a pleasant surprise to hear him here today when today has been… difficult.

He's not sure why today is difficult, but everything feels too closed in, and loud.

"He's over here."

 _Sophia_? Magnus thinks, hearing the clatter of her heels and what has to be Alec's following footsteps, blinks his eyes open and realizes he's on a rigid, narrow bed. And then he realizes it's not a bed at all; Magnus looks around to find he's sprawled out along three seats of his lecture hall, head on a bundled up jacket, which is his, and covered by a thin, scratchy blanket, which is not.

"Magnus."

Alec's voice is a balm, soothing the confusion in his head. Magnus turns his head enough to see Alec knelt down before him with such concern in his eyes Magnus curses himself for ever doing anything to make him worry.

"I'm okay."

"Sophia called me," Alec says with a quick glance in what Magnus assumes is Sophia's direction. "She said you weren't feeling very well."

Magnus tries to think about the reason for that, remembers that closed in feeling from the lecture he's just given and feels utterly foolish for all of it, for over-reacting to a few extra students in his room. "I think I was just… imagining things again."

"I really want to take you back to see another doctor," Alec says, reaching out to cup his face, a gentle thumb swirling over his cheek.

"The last doctor said I was fine," Magnus says, turning his head just enough to kiss the side of his hand.

"Perhaps you're just working too hard," Sophia suggests, and Magnus turns to catch Alec scowling at her, silently telling her not to interfere.

"Sit up for me?" Alec asks softly, waiting until Magnus nods then guiding him upright to sit back. Magnus is relieved he isn't dizzy, and that the room is occupied with very few people. Those strange familiar faces from earlier are long gone, and it's hard now to imagine they were ever there.

"Stress can cause hallucinations, panic attacks, nightmares, and many different other things," Sophia says. Her eyes are darting rapidly between Magnus and Alec, and when Magnus catches her smile he doesn't know what to make of it. Is she attempting to reassure them, when there is an element of fear to her expression that Magnus can't work out the meaning of?

"Yeah, well, I don't _care_ what stress can do," Alec retorts, his hands sweeping up over Magnus' arms, chest, and face. "He's been feeling unwell for months now."

"It's not—"

"Magnus," Alec says, cutting him off with a stern look before leaning in and kissing him, dropping their foreheads together with a sigh. "Please."

Magnus can't say no to Alec for anything, not with that expression. He nods in reluctance and goes when guided to his feet, swaying a little until he's tucked into Alec's side. He's surprised that Sophia ducks under his other arm, and even more surprised that he needs holding up.

"I found him. I want to make sure he's okay too," Sophia says; Magnus hadn't realized he'd closed his eyes but blinks them open to the sight of Alec's mistrust before he relents and nods.

Magnus finds himself in a taxi, wedged up next to Alec in the back seat with Sophia turned almost all the way round to continue to stare at him in concern. He does his best to alleviate the worry in both of them, and also has the strangest sense of being in familiar company. Not that he isn't in Alec's company all the time, of course, and when Sophia is at the college he does spend numerous breaks with her. But this particular setting with the three of them hunched together feels like it's happened countless times before.

Magnus sits back, lets his head fall on to Alec's shoulder, plays with his fingers against his leg as he listens to the two of them talk. It's a stilted conversation, awkward in places, yet also with a sense of ease that furthers Magnus' observation of strange familiarity. He allows his eyes to close, concentrates on the jostle of the taxi beneath them and Alec's warmth against his side, falling into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

The doctor's waiting room is sterile. Hard royal blue seating and a grey and white chequered floor, noticeboards and motivational posters covering every walled surface, and the typical sounds of coughs, sneezes, and sniffles amplified into echoes seeming to come from every corner.

Magnus' hand is laced through Alec's against his leg, playing with the inside seam of Alec's jeans for something to do as they wait. Magnus doesn't want to be here, has never enjoyed coming into contact with doctors, feels that _sick_ isn't something he normally gets. But Alec is so worried about him, and Magnus can't bear to be the source of anything difficult for Alec. Alec lifts his head to smile at Magnus as though he senses him watching him, and receives a soft kiss.

"It shouldn't take long," Alec tells him gently, as though he's trying to reassure him. Sophia sits on Alec's other side, and her own expression is still hard to read. Her eyes flit continuously around the waiting room as though she's looking for someone, and it only makes Magnus feel more nervous. Not nervous that he's really _sick_ , because he doesn't feel that he is. But everything is putting him on edge today—lately—and anything out of the ordinary is adding to that.

"I'm sure they will see us as soon as they can," Magnus replies, still wishing he could make an excuse for them to leave.

"Excuse me."

Magnus and Alec look up as one as Sophia suddenly stands, making her way to the exit.

"You don't think it's strange she just… tagged along?" Alec asks, nudging against Magnus' shoulder.

"She is just being kind," Magnus tells him with a smile for the disgruntled look on Alec's face. "I think I must have given her quite the fright."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"No," Magnus sighs, "not really. I felt that there were people in the room that shouldn't be, that I—that _they_ meant some kind of harm."

"Are these the same _they_ you've been… dreaming about?" Alec asks, squeezing his fingers.

"I assume so. Though everything feels so vague. As though so many of my thoughts are on the edge of my consciousness. As though there is a buffer, or delay between what I am thinking, and knowing. Which, I admit," Magnus adds with a self-deprecating laugh and a flare of his free hand, "doesn't make any sense at all."

"Maybe you _have_ just been working too hard," Alec suggests. It must be the easiest thing for him to deal with, Magnus thinks, work-related stress that's putting strange thoughts in his mind. It's better than any other possibility, like a real illness or serious problem. But Magnus _knows_ he isn't ill, and he doesn't feel particularly stressed—at least, not by work.

"Perhaps," he says anyway, wishing he could dig through his thoughts to the root of his problem, adamant there are things that he should know. "Perhaps if I can just get to the end of term—"

"They're ready for you now."

Magnus and Alec again look up at Sophia, who is looking down at them with a warm smile.

"I—"

"I asked if we could speed things up," she explains, gesturing for them to follow. Magnus is sure she walked outside rather than to the reception desk, but his thoughts are so jumbled he doesn't protest and goes along as asked.

They follow Sophia into an examination room, and the moment they're in she closes the door behind them, locking and leaning back against it. There is a doctor there in the room already, stood with his back to them. Magnus studies the stoop of his shoulders and the length of his blond hair, tries to work out if he recognizes him from previous visits and decides that he doesn't.

The doctor turns around and there is a name immediately on the tip of Magnus' tongue that he can't reach. Alec startles a little beside him.

"Everything's okay. Don't worry," the doctor tells him, seeming to direct it at them both and beckoning them closer.

There is a sharp sting to Magnus' neck. He raises his head and turns towards it, jolting back again when he hears Alec cry out. He reaches for Alec even as he too is slumping to the floor, his vision blurring, managing to snag the end of Alec's fingers before he passes out.

* * *

Magnus wakes with a start, staring at the familiar ceiling of their bedroom and needing a few seconds to orientate himself. Alec is asleep on his chest, the angle he's in meaning Magnus can see his sleep is peaceful, and there are a couple of minutes where Magnus just watches, drinking the sight of him in.

Magnus is sure his last memory is of a place that looked like a hospital, or some kind of medical practice from the clinical antiseptic smell in the room. His chest feels bruised, not like he's been wounded, but as though his heart's been beating too hard in panic. He has an idea that there are details he should be remembering, but as is typical of him of late, he has no clue what they might be.

Alec is stirring, with sleepy kisses pressed over his chest, working their way up until he's tucking his face into Magnus' neck with a soft, _good morning_. Magnus sweeps his hands over his shoulders and hugs him close, hoping against hope that Alec isn't working today.

"Good morning," Magnus whispers back, smiling at the pressed kiss just beneath his jaw, surprised to find his eyes are pricking with tears. Alec goes still, pulling back from him and staring down at Magnus' chest, hand shifting to rest over his heart.

"Magnus? Are you okay? Your heart's racing."

Magnus wants to give some silly retort that it is _him_ that's making his heart race, but there is panic shooting sparks of fear through his chest, and he can't get any words out.

"Magnus?" Alec says again, lifting his head and looking back at him in alarm. Magnus feels tears begin to leak to his cheeks, and doesn't have a clue how to say what's wrong.

"It's okay. You're okay," Alec tells him gently, wrapping Magnus up tight in his arms and rolling them over so he can cradle him, sweeping hands up over his back in an attempt to soothe. But even the familiarity of Alec's skin on his cannot reach Magnus this morning. He wants to pull away, lock himself in their bathroom until his tears stop falling and he can compose himself, but can't bring himself to move.

"I love you, Magnus," Alec says, over and over, in between kisses that are filled with that love. Magnus wants to return it, wants to bury himself in Alec and forget the world outside, but that sense that it's closing in on him will not leave him alone.

* * *

Fifteen minutes. Magnus checks the time on his phone again and wills it to move faster, glances over to the entrance of the firehouse across the street and pleads with Alec to leave work on time.

He needs to see him. He needs to be with someone familiar, and the only person who feels familiar in Magnus' world right now is Alec. Every lecture he's given today was to a room full of faces that were either death masks frozen in the midst of some torture, or blank and expressionless as though he should be the one to give them character.

He needs Alec, Magnus thinks to himself again, standing agitated across the street and doing all he can to stay in the same spot. He wants to pace, either furiously and back and forth along the sidewalk or in between moving traffic; he doesn't care. That need to keep _moving_ makes it seem like there are creatures living in his skin that are straining to crawl their way out.

Magnus shudders for another wave of discomfort, checks his phone again and barely holds back a burst of tears when not even a minute has passed. He watches with a held breath until it ticks over to the next digit, tells himself to count cars, people watch, study the trails left in the sky by airplanes; anything to keep himself busy.

He could walk into the firehouse now, Magnus thinks, heart thudding for the possibility. He could walk in there, and no one would mind; it's not as though they don't know him, he wouldn't be a stranger to anyone he passed. But if he walks in there in this _panic_ Alec will see the terror in his eyes, and Magnus doesn't want that.

Magnus tries to talk himself down, to talk himself out of going, but that desperate need to _see_ Alec is too much. He needs to be away from his own head for all the things he's seeing that aren't really there with him. He needs _Alec_ ; and he needs an excuse to see him _now_.

Darting his gaze frantically up the street Magnus spots a bakery, remembers it's one that Alec has mentioned as a favorite for his colleagues, and barely stops himself from running there to arm himself with offerings. Loaded up with cupcakes and still-warm donuts just minutes later, Magnus wills his heart again to calm, and marches into the firehouse.

He sees Leila, the driver engineer first, whose eyes light up at the boxes held in Magnus' arms seconds before she skips away with a donut, making such noise for it that Magnus is eased of his panic for laughing. Mancel, the captain, smiles in curious greeting when he sees him and also accepts a donut as he points out where to find Alec.

"Hey," Alec calls as Magnus' approaches. He's just checking over a truck, and from the mess of his clothes and the adorable swipe of soot across his nose, Magnus is sure Alec and his crew have just returned from a fire.

"Hello," Magnus replies, his breathing easing just for seeing him, accepting a discreet kiss for being right in the middle of Alec's place of work.

"I thought… I would give you these," Magnus says, holding out the boxes. Alec accepts a cupcake with chocolate frosting and lets out a little burst of sigh for the taste of it, before they're ambushed by three more equally sooted-up firefighters who more than happily take the boxes from his hands and disappear inside.

"You didn't need to do that," Alec says with a look of pure adoration for him, leaning in to kiss him softly again, tasting of that chocolate frosting. "Especially since I'm off in like… minutes."

"I wanted to see you."

Magnus wishes the words hadn't blurted from his mouth, having no way to disguise the anguish in them. Alec's smile slips to a look of concern, and seconds later he's cupping his face, where there is no way he won't feel the way Magnus is trembling.

"Hey," Alec says softly, pulling him into his arms. Magnus sinks into the warmth of them, longing for the days when he would pretend to wriggle from Alec's grasp for his messy clothes. Today he needs to be even closer, to hold on tighter, and even then it might not feel enough. He wants to disappear in Alec, or with Alec; that urge to just _leave_ everything striking so hard it's difficult to focus on anything else.

"I'm so sorry—"

"Don't apologize. For anything," Alec tells him with a firm kiss to the back of his head. "Just let me finish up here, and then we'll go home, okay?"

Magnus nods against him, receives another kiss before stepping back to give Alec room to finish his work. Trails behind him inside when Alec hands over paperwork, empties his locker for the day, says goodbye to a few people, and grips Magnus' hand tight the moment they are outside. With Magnus squeezing back tight, needing the anchor that Alec currently is to the world.

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

"I have questions."

Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, splashes his face with water for a third time, straightens up and leans against the sink. He doesn't answer Alec or glance over to where he knows he's stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Can barely shut all the noise off in his head to find room to think.

"Magnus—"

"About what?" Magnus forces himself to ask with a purposely bright voice, cracking his eyes open slowly and checking his reflection, visibly sagging when his eyes are his own.

"Oh, you know," Alec replies, in that clipped tone of quiet fury that Magnus knows means he's in trouble, "how about we start with, why the hell didn't you call me?"

Magnus slumps against the sink, forces some air into his lungs, then spins away and pastes a false smile on his face. "Alexander. We send messages to each other—"

" _Magnus_ —"

"You were working," Magnus protests, though he knows it's a feeble excuse that will only make Alec angrier. He'd just wanted one day, one normal day going through his normal routine, including working, where he felt in control of himself.

Sure enough, when he forces himself to make eye contact, there is a seething look waiting for him.

"And since when does that matter more than you? Since when does anything matter more to me than you do?"

"Alec—"

"And how the hell do you think it felt hearing this from _Sophia_? Some stranger you work with, who keeps trying to find herself a place in our lives?" Alec adds, livid though unmoving, showing Magnus just how angry he really is.

"I—"

"That she even has my _number_ —"

"I didn't give her your number," Magnus replies, shaking his head in denial because he knows he didn't. At least he thinks he didn't. 

"I don't care how she got it. Or why she's got it. I care that she called me to tell me you weren't well at work— _again_ —when you didn't bother to tell me yourself."

"Perhaps she got your number when I was—"

"I guess she must have kept it from when you last got sick at work. In which case, I suppose I'm supposed to be _thankful_ for it," Alec retorts.

Magnus hates that he's upset him, hates that he can't deny that something is wrong. But he doesn't know what to say to Alec, so ducks his head and walks straight past him, nudging him back through the doorway.

"Magnus—"

"Leave me _alone_ ," Magnus cries out, wrenching himself from the grip Alec has on his upper arm. He charges towards their bedroom and slams the door behind him, sinking to the floor in front of it and holding his head in his hands, pushing back when Alec tries to open it.

"Magnus. Please tell me what's happening," Alec says, his voice catching, and filling Magnus with even more guilt than he already has.

"I can't," Magnus whispers, shaking his head back and forth, "I can't."

What is he supposed to say, when he can't tell reality from dreams anymore? When demons walk alongside regular people in the street, when Alec is both normal and something fantastical, and when Magnus can't be sure of where he fits himself?

He's not human, Magnus knows that. Knows there's something dark within his blood. Knows that he doesn't belong _here_ ; though there's also the sense that he _does_ , and it's driving his thoughts in circles, leaving Magnus confused about everything. Even Alec; though not about his love for him, nor for what he shares with Alec. But where there's darkness in _his_ blood he's sure light courses through Alec's, though also doesn't know what either things mean.

"Magnus. _Please_."

Magnus doesn't know what to say. His mind is so full of _everything_ , and he can't separate a single thing out. Aside from _Alec_ , of course, who is on the other side of this door pleading with him to open it, has apparently sunk down to his knees to be closer to him. Must be out of his mind with concern.

" _Please_ ," Alec says again, the tone of it leaving Magnus' heart breaking. He doesn't know what to do, or where to go to escape all that he's thinking. He isn't _sick_ , but he isn't _well_ , and until he gets things right in his head he's not sure he should be anywhere at all. Which makes no sense either, he realizes, crying quietly to himself for it, wanting nothing more than to open the door and curl up in Alec's arms. But it isn't _fair_. To keep doing this to him, to be apparently beyond help; how can anyone help him when he doesn't know what he needs help for?

"Magnus. I love you," Alec says, his voice cracking with his own tears, and Magnus can't do this to him. Can't do this to himself. He shifts away from the door and reaches without looking to open it and Alec falls forward, stumbling through on his knees. Alec immediately helps Magnus to his feet and guides him to bed, wrapping himself around him and trembling just as hard as Magnus is himself.

"We'll get through this. Whatever this is," Alec tells him, full of promise Magnus _knows_ he can't feel. And because he doesn't know what he can say in return, Magnus only holds on tight and pleads with himself to come back.

* * *

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Magnus' breath has evened out, and they've rearranged themselves so he's tucked up beneath Alec's chin, still held secure in the grip of his arms. "At work?"

"Yes, Magnus," Alec says with a hard kiss to the top of his head, his voice still a little clipped in controlled frustration. Magnus can feel the tension in his grip and how hard Alec is trying not to show how angry he is.

"I didn't mean to upset you—"

"But you did shut me out," Alec counters, squeezing him before sighing. "You any idea what that feels like? Getting a call from someone who's basically... who we don't even _know_ , saying you'd… that you were—"

"I might have lost my temper during class," Magnus replies, unconsciously reaching up to play with his ear as he tucks further beneath Alec's chin to hide his embarrassment. "I might have been advised to… go home because of it."

Magnus loathes himself. He must have terrified his second class of the morning when he started hallucinating _monsters_ sitting casually amongst his students as though they too were there to take notes. He isn't sure what would have happened if Sophia hadn't walked in when she did to calm him down. And that Alec is here, still in clothes that vaguely smell of _work_ when he's not due home for at least another few hours, means Magnus has disrupted the days of far too many people to be able to easily talk.

"Sophia said you got upset."

"I wasn't _upset_ —"

"Magnus," Alec says softly, squeezing him again, "please tell me what's going on with you."

"Honestly? I don't know," Magnus replies, and to show he's being sincere in his answer, props himself up on his hands to look at him. "I don't _know_ what is happening. I only know that I'm… that there are things that aren't _right_."

"What things?"

"That there are… thoughts in my head that are both true, and not true. Memories of events that I know can't be possible, and yet at the same time, I know that they are. It is… confusing, Alec," Magnus says, tucking himself back into his arms.

"What happened in this lecture Sophia called me about?"

"The room felt too full."

"Full?"

"Yes. Full of… people that I recognized, but I didn't," Magnus says, because those weren't  _monsters_ , really, they were  _people_ he knows—but doesn't. "People who weren't supposed to be there."

"Do you have extra students?"

"These weren't students, Alec. They were…. I don't know who they were. But I recognized them. I don't… I don't know how to explain any of this."

"Can you try?"

It's a fair request, but not an easy one to fulfill. Magnus sighs hard against Alec's sternum and raises himself up before rolling over on his back, tangling his fingers through Alec's as he goes.

"I feel as though I am suspended between two worlds. That… elements of both are true at the same time, even if it seems that some of them should not be."

"Like what?"

"Some of the things I am seeing, and the people; they're not _real_ , Alexander."

"How?"

Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, tells himself he is an idiot. "They're… seelies. Warlocks. Vampires. Even a djinn once or twice."

"Have you been reading something? Or watching something about this kind of stuff?"

"No," Magnus laughs, groaning. "That's why it's so… _confusing_ , that there is… that I feel so _certain_ about these things. My lecture theatre filled with these mythical creatures alongside my regular students debating the finer points of witchcraft."

"Maybe it's the _witchcraft_ thing that's making all of this happen?" Alec suggests. "Talking about it, anyway."

"No," Magnus replies, squeezing his fingers and turning his head to smile. "If that were the case, I would have been feeling like this for _years_. I've been _teaching_ this for years."

"You make yourself sound so old," Alec says, rolling over on to his side and untangling their fingers to prop himself up, instead spreading his hand wide at his hip when Magnus rolls towards him as well.

"I am old, compared to you," Magnus retorts with. There are six years between them, but sometimes Magnus feels as though he has been alive for centuries.

"And you're still beautiful," Alec tells him, leaning in for a soft kiss. Magnus laces his hand through the back of Alec's hair to keep him close, humming his way into a longer one.

"I don't want to feel like this, Alexander," Magnus says when they pull apart, wrapping his arm around him.

"Maybe you're just overworked. Maybe you've just got… maybe you've just got an overactive imagination. Or maybe, all the legends are true," Alec teases, pulling him closer.

The words shouldn't make Magnus' stomach plummet, but they do, leaving him clinging harder to Alec for the weight of them to pass. He tucks himself back into Alec's arms after wriggling down the bed and closes his eyes, half-wanting to fall asleep to forget everything.

"I love you, whatever's going on," Alec tells him, mumbling it into his hair. Magnus wants to cry for the softness of his voice but only squeezes him back, holds on tighter. Begs with himself to feel _better_ than he does, even if he's adamant that there's nothing wrong.

* * *

This place is from his dreams, Magnus thinks as he pushes the door open for Alec, his eyes lingering on the image of a black wolf painted howling up against a red moon. Nostalgia hits him as he steps in behind Alec, taking in the lights over the bar that look like multi-pointed black stars, has to shake his head as he walks towards it for the ghostly memories of a crowd of familiar people celebrating. He knows without looking there is a pool table here that he has played at with Alec. And more than anything, Magnus has the sense that this is a place for _friends._

Magnus convinces himself the bar has not fallen silent for their arrival, wants to head over to where he is adamant the jukebox is and put on some music, just to have some noise. But he doesn't, instead takes Alec's hand when he reaches for it and glances over all the drink choices that are on offer. The person serving has her back to them, and it gives Magnus time to attempt to rid that weird sense of _knowing_ this place from his mind.

"Hey," she says as she turns, apparently aware of them waiting to be served without even looking, "what can I get you?"

Magnus' stomach knots. The barmaid's eyes flare wide in alarm as they settle on his own, and Magnus' vision jars, taking him to another time, another moment in this bar when he was stood in this very spot holding on to a trinket that he feels was a gift from Alec. He thinks she recognizes him, though when he opens his mouth to speak, he catches a discreet shake of her head telling him _no_.

"Two of these," Alec says with a prod of his finger against the nearest tap, apparently oblivious to their strange, silent exchange.

"Coming right up," she says, with Magnus sure the cheerfulness in her voice is false. "Why don't you go take a seat, and I'll bring 'em over?"

Alec nods, pressing a hand to the small of Magnus' back as he guides him away. Magnus glances back at the barmaid, and once again she shakes her head.

People are watching them, Magnus thinks. He can see glances out the corners of eyes, and he is adamant a few of them have up and left just because _they_ are here. Everything in the bar feels off, and alien, as well as seeming a place that he has regularly come to. Magnus has no idea what to think, but Alec doesn't appear to share his fear that anything is wrong, so Magnus takes his lack of reaction as a guide on how to behave.

"I don't even know how we ended up here," Alec says with a smile as he plays with Magnus' fingers against the table. Magnus is sure he's seen him do the same before, a hundred times over—knows that he has, in fact. It's just he has the strangest idea that Alec usually plays with rings that adorn those fingers. Not their wedding rings, which are Magnus' favorite of any ring he has worn, but large, bold, wide-faced ones. Even one that looks a little like a claw-like structure that sits over a knuckle.

"Me neither," Magnus replies, knowing only that they'd walked on autopilot as though it was a familiar route for them. "It's… nice."

"You hate it," Alec says, looking at him knowingly.

"I don't."

"Then you look uncomfortable. We could have gone to somewhere closer to home—"

"I wanted to walk," Magnus says, squeezing his hand.

"I feel like Chinese food," Alec tells him, "when we've finished here, obviously."

 _Jade Wolf_ drifts into Magnus' mind, with more familiar faces that he closes his eyes to, knowing he's not supposed to be thinking of any of them.

"Or not," Alec says, squeezing his fingers again. "Whatever you want—"

"No. Chinese sounds good," Magnus replies, "perhaps, though, the place we normally order from."

"You mean, take out? Pick up something on the way home?"

"Can I help it if I want to keep my husband to myself?" Magnus teases, leaning over the table to kiss him just as the barmaid is delivering their beer.

Alec pulls back with a smile on his face thoroughly unconcerned, barely moving his hand enough to give her room to put the drinks down. "Thanks."

"No problem."

Magnus is sure she is avoiding his eyes, and turns his full attention to Alec pretending she isn't anywhere in the bar.

They talk of work, with Alec regaling him with a tale of a recent call out involving handcuffs, and Magnus groaning through an embarrassing recollection of a lecture that had descended into a debate on nudity, where images he didn't feel appropriate in a lecture theatre were pulled up on cell phone screens and shared around the room. There is a brief talk of a vacation they've been promising each other forever, and a discussion on plans that they keep coming back to for redecorating their bedroom.

It's so easy to forget everything else that's in his head when he's here with Alec like this, Magnus thinks, an assault of things he doesn't want to think about easily pushed away just for the swirl of Alec's thumb over the back of his hand. Magnus loses himself in Alec anyway, certain he's never been loved this much, feeling at home just for _being_ with Alec. Magnus can't imagine a life without him in it and is glad he doesn't have to.

"Magnus? Are you okay?"

Magnus startles at the squeeze of his fingers not realizing his mind has wandered.

"I'm fine."

"Are you—"

Magnus cuts Alec off with another kiss leaned across the table, both of them giggling when they have to hold on to their drinks to stop them spilling.

"That was smooth," Alec teases.

"I _am_ smooth."

"Yes, Magnus," Alec says, reaching out for Magnus' hand again, and without the slightest hesitation, raises it, sucking a finger into his mouth, lapping up the beer that he'd mopped from the side of his glass without breaking eye contact.

"And you are troublesome," Magnus replies after a pause, with a distinct click in his throat.

"You haven't complained so far."

"Nor am I complaining now."

"You know, Magnus. We can always go home first. Order in. Have food delivered."

"Now that—"

"Well, I never expected to see you here."

Sophia appearing at the side of their table breathless and wide-eyed makes them both startle, and Magnus catches the suspicion in Alec's eyes before his expression morphs into a cautious smile.

"Hello."

"Do you live near here?" Sophia asks, smiling between them both when she pulls back from an enthusiastic hug for Magnus, and a more cautious one for Alec.

"No," Magnus says, "no; we were just having a drink after an impromptu walk through the city."

A walk needed to outpace the thoughts in his head that made their apartment feel stifling, Magnus adds to himself. His head is clearer for not being in their apartment, yet now that he's here, all Magnus wants to be is at home.

"And you look as though you were about to leave," Sophia replies, her eyes dropping to their glasses in what Magnus supposes is contrition for poor timing, though looks to him much more like relief.

"We—"

"It's fine. I was only here to return a book," Sophia says, and they follow the wave of her hand towards the bar, the woman who served them earlier waving back, her eyes also darting over Magnus and Alec with a look he can't work out. "Maybe I could walk out with you?"

"Of course," Magnus says. Alec smiles at Sophia easily but he seems so confused by her presence and only nods in agreement as he stands.

"I just need to send a message," Sophia says then, turning away quickly.

"Do you want to… invite her to eat with us?" Alec says out of her earshot, sounding full of doubt, and if that doesn't throw Magnus off entirely.

"I assumed there was something else on the menu," Magnus teases, deliberately lingering his gaze over him.

"It is," Alec smiles as he comes around the table to join him, "like always. But… we can eat on the way home. I mean, if you wanted to."

"What's this about?" Magnus asks, curious as Alec squeezes him into his side.

"Well. She's been… I mean, I know… she's been good to us. You. With—when you haven't been feeling so good. I just—"

"Are you ready to go?" Sophia asks as she spins back around. They follow her out, with Magnus slipping his hand into Alec's the moment they're outside, shivering a little for the reminder of how cold it is.

"How are you feeling, Magnus?" Sophia asks, following as they point out a direction.

"Good," Magnus replies, not tacking on the _today_ he wants to add because today he _does_ feel good; despite being adamant earlier that he needed to leave the apartment. He's had the entire day with Alec since he has a couple of days off, there are no lectures for Magnus until tomorrow afternoon, and he's up to date with all his paperwork. The day is one of the better ones Magnus has experienced in a while.

"He's still being stubborn," Alec adds, pressing a kiss to his temple as they walk.

"Oh?"

"We got some different pain relief for his headaches. _Someone_ is refusing to take it now that he's had exactly three days where his head doesn't hurt."

"They're _relief_ —"

"They're preventative," Alec replies, cutting Magnus off and smiling as he raises an eyebrow.

"It's important to take your medication, Magnus," Sophie tells him seeming full of concern herself.

"Alexander. Did you suggest we have dinner with Sophia, so the two of you can conspire against me?" Magnus asks, pretending to be annoyed.

"Oh, thank you," Sophia replies, looking tearful out of nowhere, "but I… it's a little cold. I'd rather—"

"Then come to ours," Alec suggests. It's an olive branch, Magnus thinks, knowing Alec doesn't feel overly comfortable with the way Sophia sometimes insinuates herself into their days. It's not often, though when it happens it seems so sudden that Magnus can understand why Alec is surprised by it. But Magnus is also a little suspicious. Alec's reaction to Sophia calling him wasn't a pleased one; perhaps he's going to ask questions about Magnus' behavior at work, attempt to find out if there's more that he isn't telling him when he feels unwell.

"I would love that," Sophia replies, echoing that surprise. She glances over her shoulder and moves to walk beside Alec instead of the half-pace ahead she had been, making easy conversation as they make their way home.

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what is about to be revealed in this is not how I imagined it to be in canon. Obviously... :D

Alec is trying very hard to be welcoming of Sophia. He's given her a tour of the apartment as Magnus called through an order for dinner, has shown her the photos in their wedding album, and insisted that she join them for a glass of wine. It's not that Alec isn't good with people, Magnus thinks, because he is, he's wonderful. But when he's around people he's not comfortable with, there is always something stilted about the way he behaves.

It's awkward, Magnus sighs, having offered to clean up after they'd eaten just needing a moment to himself. He peeks back into the lounge where Sophia and Alec are engrossed in a conversation though are angled awkwardly towards one another as though they don't know what to do when they're on their own. And strangest of all, Magnus thinks, shaking his head and telling himself to stop reading into things, is the way Sophia is looking at Alec.

It's like she's _memorizing_ Alec. Drinking him in, or learning every nuance of his features as though she plans on never seeing him again. It isn't in a way that's uncomfortable, and certainly not anything that makes Magnus feel threatened; aside from knowing Alec loves him as much as he does and isn't interested in anyone else, Sophia's expression isn't that kind of longing. It's for friendship, or family even, Magnus thinks, though why he's so sure of that he doesn't know. Perhaps Sophia's just lonely, Magnus muses as he dries his hands after putting away the last of their dishes. He hasn't taken that much time to learn too much about her.

"More wine?" he asks as he returns to join them, making a mental note of more for the grocery shopping they'll need to do tomorrow.

"I shouldn't," Sophia says with a smile, covering her glass.

"Are you working tomorrow?" Alec asks.

"Yes. Early."

"You aren't on campus all that often," Magnus says once he's topped up Alec's glass.

"No," she smiles, looking away, adding nothing when Magnus half-expected an explanation.

"Do you… enjoy teaching? Lecturing?" Alec asks. He's trying, Magnus thinks to himself with an unconsciously proud smile.

"I do," Sophia replies, "I enjoy it a lot. Though sometimes—much of the time, I prefer to do things practically, and by myself."

"I get that," Alec agrees, "I don't think I could just teach. I mean, I enjoy _training_  people sometimes, but most of the time, I need to be _doing_ something."

"You always were so hands-on with everything," Sophia replies with a fond smile. Alec's immediate look of surprise has her adding a blurted out, "Magnus told me."

 _I did?_ Magnus thinks, not remembering such a conversation but smiling easily anyway, then offering up a wink that makes them both splutter with laughter; Alec with embarrassment, and Sophia, mirth.

"Thank you," Alec says then, turning a little, "Sophia; thank you. For calling me when you did about Magnus, and… helping us with the doctor—"

"Of course."

"I mean it," Alec says, his expression becoming earnest. "I appreciate it. I don't know—I don't think I said thank you, but I mean it. Thank you for… thank you for looking out for him. Us, really."

"Anytime," Sophia replies, her eyes suspiciously bright when she glances at Magnus. "I'd prefer Magnus wasn't feeling _unwell_ , but of course. I would… I just wanted you both to be okay."

An awkward silence grows between them with each of them beginning conversations that come to nothing. As Magnus checks the time on the clock on the wall behind Alec's head Sophia checks her phone, her eyes then darting out around the room. "Thank you for inviting me here for dinner. It's been so good to see you both."

"You're welcome," Alec replies, and when Magnus nods at him in encouragement, adds, "you're welcome to come over again sometime."

"I would love that," Sophia says with a bittersweet smile for Alec's offer, squeezing his arm and staring at him with that longing look Magnus had seen from the kitchen. "But I—"

"Hey, look at that," Alec says, his voice rising in delight as he taps a finger on her arm. "You have tattoos just like mine."

Magnus sees the similar tattoos covering Sophia's skin and wonders why he hasn't noticed them before. They're the same as Alec's; in fact, some of them are identical. Some in different positions and many of different sizes, but they are the same. His heart begins to thud for the recognition, the room feeling as though it's starting to spin.

"Yes," Sophia says, but doesn't add anything else.

"I don't suppose you remember where you got them done," Alec says with a self-deprecating laugh as he blushes. "I sort of… I've never been able to find the parlor where I got mine."

"West Village, I think."

"Do you—"

"But I think they've closed now," Sophia adds, looking increasingly uncomfortable, and once more glancing at her phone, immediately getting to her feet. "I should go—"

"They're unusual," Magnus says, unable to take his eyes from the matching tattoos on them both, standing at the same time as Alec. There is something he's missing, something vital, and it's just on the very edge of his mind like it's waiting to reveal itself.

Sophia looks at him nervously, giving the impression that she's waiting for that revelation. "I have to go—"

"These tattoos. There's something about them. Isn't there," Alec says, reaching out to snag a hand around her arm gently before she can get too far. Alec's eyes are on Magnus, and the look he's giving him sets Magnus' heart off racing.

"Just a coincidence," Sophia replies, throwing her bag over her shoulder and turning back to them with a sickly smile. "Anyway—"

"There's something weird about all of this. About _you_ ," Alec says, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "You keep… I don't know what it is, but there's something not right about any of this."

"Any of what?"

"You. Apparently showing up out of nowhere. Inviting yourself along when we took Magnus to the doctors—"

"I was only trying to help—"

"But it's not that, is it?" Alec says, his voice raising and bordering on angry. "There's something—"

"I need to go—"

"These tattoos. You didn't seem in any hurry to be going anywhere until I noticed your tattoos."

"Alec—"

"What's going on with you?" Alec demands. "Why did you suddenly start showing up in our life when Magnus started getting sick?"

Magnus doesn't think that there's any correlation between the two things, but since he's the one going through this so-called _sickness_ , perhaps he's not neutral enough to have been paying attention.

"I didn't—"

"What is it about these things that makes you so uncomfortable?" Alec asks, gesturing to the tattoos on his arms, and then waving a hand over the largest one on his neck.

"Nothing—"

" _Tell me_ —"

"They're runes, Alec," Sophia blurts out, her voice cracking and her face filling with fear. "They're not tattoos. They're _runes_."

Magnus' heart gives another solid, hard thud, and that feeling of almost-knowing something hammers on his chest to be freed. "Sophia—"

"I'm not _Sophia_ , Magnus," she says with a shake of her head as she turns to face him, her eyes swollen with tears. "I'm _Izzy_. Isabelle Lightwood. And Alec; you're my brother."

Alec shakes his head in refusal, even scoffing a little, though the names seem familiar to Magnus, still just out of reach of making sense. "I don't—"

"I shouldn't be telling you this. But you're not supposed to be remembering any of this, Magnus," Sophia adds, her voice beginning to crack.

"What?" Magnus demands. "What shouldn't you be telling us?"

"It's for your own safety."

"This is bull," Alec says then, shaking his head in dismissal. "I don't know what—"

"I know you, Alec. Magnus; I know you both. And you," she adds, her voice cracking further, "you both know me."

"Then—"

"Alec, you don't remember, because you're not supposed to."

"Then, why would you tell us?"

"I didn't want to—"

"Then why  _are_ you—"

"Because I need to say this out loud just once while I have the chance; now everything looks like it's falling apart," Sophia replies, her lip trembling with how hard she's fighting against crying. "Our parents are Robert and Maryse Lightwood. Our little brother is Max. And we adopted—Jace is our adopted brother. He's been part of our family since he was ten. He's your… he's important to you, Alec."

"What's… that's insane," Alec says, again shaking his head in denial, hands up in the air as he begins to turn away.

"It's _not_ , Alec. I promise you it isn't. But you were… this was for your own safety. I shouldn't have shown you my runes—"

"These are tattoos," Alec says, shaking his head again as he spins back to her, waving a hand over his torso.

"They're not," _Izzy_ insists, "they're runes. Just like mine."

"What the hell are _runes_?"

"They are symbols. Angelic symbols—"

"I don't—"

"We activate them with steles," Izzy continues, pulling a small device that looks like an overly-ornate pen from a back pocket, and waving it over her skin. The _rune_ shimmers, and Alec steps back in alarm almost backing into Magnus in the process.

"The hell..."

Magnus knows them. Recognizes them. They're in that part of his memory that he doesn't quite have access to, yet knows is part of his truth. "Shadowhunters. You're—you're both… _Shadowhunters_."

"Don't tell me you're buying into this crap," Alec says, turning to him with a frustrated glare. "Don't tell me—"

"You were deruned, Alec," Izzy says, her voice breaking with her tears. "You were—"

"That sounds like these things shouldn't even be here if they've been _de_ anything," Alec counters in denial, folding his arms stiffly across his chest.

"Alec," Izzy says softly, her hand twitching as though she wants to reach out to touch him. "We couldn't… the runes were deactivated; the Silent Brothers performed a ceremony to—"

" _Silent Brothers_?"

"They're… it's hard to explain. And I don't have much time."

"Why?" Alec asks in suspicion, and it's something Magnus wants an answer to as well.

"I shouldn't even be here."

"Because?"

"Alec. Please, just trust me. You were deruned—your runes were deactivated. You were stripped of your… Look," Izzy says then, reaching out to grab around his wrist and waving the _stele_ over the rune on his forearm. It does nothing, doesn't shimmer or show firmer color or do anything at all like hers has just done.

"What—"

"You were—you were stripped of your memories of… almost everything, Alec. They took it all from you—"

"Took all of what?"

"Alec," Izzy says softly, "if they know I've been here. If Magnus keeps remembering—"

"Remembering what?" Alec demands.

"I can't be here," Izzy says, shaking her head and slotting the stele back into her pocket. "I just… I needed to know you were okay. Both of you. Maia told me you'd showed up at the Hunters Moon—"

"Who?"

"—And I needed to get you to safety. I needed to get you _home_ before anyone else would see you."

 _Maia_ , Magnus thinks, the barmaid. She _did_ recognize him.

"But—"

"Alec. You will need to keep out of sight for a little while, and then return to just _living_. And you need to _forget_ , Magnus," Sophia pleads. "You need to try harder to  _forget_."

A confident, smiling warrior along with a friendly guest lecturer flicker in front of Magnus in the same person, and Magnus doesn't know which one to talk to.

"Sophia—"

" _Please_ ," she says, more fearful than Magnus has ever seen her, watching as she reaches into the bag she's carrying and pulls out a small vial. "Please; take it."

"What is it?"

"You've taken it so many times already," Sophia says, her eyes on the vial on his hands, seeming to will it up to his mouth.

"When?" Magnus demands, though the weight of the vial feels familiar, as though he's held something similar numerous times.

"You won't remember—"

"And why—"

"Magnus. You told me, before all this; you _told_ me to give this to you."

"Give him what?" Alec demands, but Sophia is staring at Magnus with such pleading in her eyes it freezes any attempts at a response on his tongue.

"You said this wouldn't happen," Sophia says in a loud whisper that is edged with accusation that Magnus doesn't understand. "You said that this wouldn't happen, Magnus. But that if it did, that if this ever happens, that if for any reason there was a—that if there was a chance you were starting to remember, you should drink this. And you keep _remembering_ , Magnus. You promised us you wouldn't remember  _anything_."

"He's not taking anything," Alec retorts, reaching out to snatch the vile from his hands. Sophia is quicker; there is a syringe in her hand that she plunges immediately into Alec's side, holding him steady before guiding him to sit on the couch. The result is instant, with Alec crumpling without a word.

"What did you—"

"He'll be fine," she tells Magnus even as she's tearfully staring down at Alec as though she needs to reassure herself. "The serum takes seconds—"

" _Serum_ —"

"It's a memory serum. We used it on him before when we knocked you out. In the doctor's office," Sophia says, with guilt in her expression as she turns between them both.

"You injected him with something?" Magnus asks, horrified, watching as Sophia reaches down to clasp Alec's hand. Alec looks at their entwined fingers before slowly dragging back from their grip and sinking deeper into the couch, closing his eyes.

"I know you don't know me like this, but I love you, Alec. You will always be my brother, no matter what."

"Sophia—"

"This is the last vial you left me, Magnus," Sophia says, her face crumpling with tears, "I don't know what we do now. I don't know what to do: they'll send you away, they'll send you both away, or worse. And I don't want—"

"What are you _talking_ about?"

"Drink," Sophia insists, pushing the vial even further into Magnus' hands and uncapping it for him. "Please, drink—"

"I'm not drinking something I don't even—"

"For Alec. _Please_ , Magnus," she says, tears glistening in her eyes.

Numb, feeling on autopilot, Magnus raises the vial to his lips and slings it back, the bitter liquid with a familiar taste slipping down his throat leaving him grimacing.

"You'll be fine. You'll both be fine," Sophia whispers, also guiding him over to the couch.

She takes one final glance at Alec with a look that is full of longing before turning away and letting herself out of the apartment, leaving Magnus and Alec staring at a softly closed door.

* * *

 


	9. Chapter 9

Magnus continues to watch Alec as he makes his way through the apartment keeping himself busy with laundry and cleaning, and doing everything but talking to him. He wants to reach out, pull Alec into his lap or insist they go back to bed just to _be_ together. But the set of his jaw says Alec wouldn't welcome such things from him currently, and Magnus is stuck watching him flit furiously around him with no sign of stopping any time soon.

The effects of Sophia's serum for Alec and the drink she'd insisted Magnus swallow before she left apparently haven't lasted very long, because they both woke up this morning remembering everything of their conversation with her. Frustratingly for Magnus, however, nothing further from _before_ ; there is no clarity, no sense to anything he _is_ remembering, and Alec's been fuming in denial of everything she's told them ever since they got up.

"Stop watching me," Alec says as he walks by him, glaring for a second before ducking in for a quick kiss. "I just need to think this out."

"Okay."

"Who does she think she is anyway, walking in here like that—uninvited—and telling us all of this crazy stuff. Putting ideas in your head when you've been… when you've had _problems_ —"

"I don't think she was putting ideas in my head," Magnus tries to say, immediately seeing Alec's scowl deepen and deciding against reminding him it had been _him_ that had invited Sophia to dinner. "I think she really believes the things she is saying."

"None of it makes sense," Alec retorts, stamping away from him once more with an armful of washing that Magnus knows he's going to take some time to fold away into their closets, that he needs at least a few moments alone.

Magnus tries to keep himself busy as well, pulling his tablet into his lap and going through his emails, none of them interesting enough to keep his attention for long. Sophia hasn't put words in his mind, more like half-plucked them out of it; there is far too much that feels _true_ about so much of what she has said.  _Runes_ , for example, sound familiar, as does the image she created of that small metal stick activating them. Her unfamiliar vocabulary doesn't feel unfamiliar to him at all; Magnus  _knows_ Sophia, and so much of what she is saying. Knows that so much of what she has revealed is important to Alec—and to him.

Alec joins Magnus on the couch before he can think things through any further, slumping down hard on the cushions and tucking into his side. "What do we do here, Magnus?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just… everything she said; I didn't feel like you were surprised by it. But not a single word of it made any sense to me. I don't feel like—there's nothing in me that says any of it is true. And I… it's not like I feel like I'm _missing_ anything. This  _serem_ she gave me; what was it supposed to do, stop me remembering, or something? _Help_ me remember? Is she... is there something wrong with her? Living in this imaginary world that she thinks she's protecting us from? And why would she do that when we don't even know her?"

Magnus closes his eyes to Alec's questions not knowing how to respond. Though what if the serem is nothing but a placebo? And what if the liquid in that vial is the same? If he's been drinking this for months, then why has this latest sample of it been ineffective? Frustration hits him hard for not having a single answer. "I don't know."

"If she's injected us, or given us stuff that... Magnus; do you think we need to call the police? See a different doctor, maybe? Make sure she's not _given_ us anything?"

Images of  _Luke Garroway_ flash in Magnus' mind and he's hit with the idea that the police are the last people they should call. And the last place he wants to go is any  _doctor's_ surgery. "I don't know. I don't think so."

"But if she's given something to us—"

"I'm sure if she intended us harm then we would neither of us be sitting here now," Magnus points out, and it feels like it's true, so he tells himself he believes it.

"I guess," Alec says, though his voice is full of frustrated doubt, and Magnus wishes there was more that he could say to him.

"I don't... I'm not going to take those new pills for my headaches," Magnus says then, hit with a reminder that Sophia had seemed alarmed by the news he wasn't taking them.

"What? Why—"

"Alexander. My thoughts feel more clear this past day or so without taking them—even if everything still feels so out of reach—than they have done in a while," Magnus says, knowing it's true even if the idea has only just occurred to him. "I think... between the vial, and those pills—"

"If she's done something to you, I—"

"I don't think we can blame this solely on Sophia," Magnus smiles, kissing away the glare on Alec's face. "I think... this is part of something else. More involved. I just don't know _what_."

"This is all crazy," Alec retorts, shaking his head in denial, and still frowning.

"I don't know what to do here, Alexander," Magnus sighs, closing his eyes for a moment and hesitating before continuing, cautious over his choice of words. "I—I don't really know what's real, or what isn't right now. But there is something not right here—something that's not the _normal_ kind of not right. Does that make sense?"

"Nothing makes sense," Alec laughs, "I know I don't feel like I have any memories missing, or that I've got false ones. Does _that_ make sense?"

"You don't feel as though it's possible for what she is telling us to be true," Magnus replies, nodding.

"Exactly," Alec replies, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth as he turns his face towards him. "But at the same time, if all she's saying _is_ true, then it would explain why you're feeling the way you are."

"Alec?"

" _You_ keep telling me you don't feel _ill_ , or _stressed_ , or any of the things the doctors are saying."

"No. No, I don't."

"Then. Maybe we need to check out this medication? And these vials, or serem things?"

"How?" Magnus asks. "If people are  _watching_ us—if Sophia feared people are watching us—"

"Yet she's part of the thing that's possibly watching us," Alec points out.

Magnus groans in frustration, thinking himself in circles, not one thing feeling clear or true in his head.

"Both things we're thinking, or feeling, Magnus; they can't both be true at the same time," Alec says with a heavy sigh. "I mean... I say none of this can be real, and you say that what I think is real isn't. I just… which thing _is_ real?"

"We're real," Magnus says, pulling Alec closer to him, " _we_ are. Whatever is happening, _we_ are okay."

"Of course we are," Alec says with a curious smile, peppering kisses over his face until Magnus can relax enough to smile. "That's not even… there's no doubt about that. I married you, Magnus. I wanna live my whole _life_ with you. There's nothing that will ever change about that."

Magnus leans in to kiss him, closing his eyes and losing himself in it wanting to shut everything else out. He drops his face into Alec's neck when they pull apart, tucking in close and concentrating on the way Alec's heart is steadily beating. It's reassuring; what he wouldn't give to forget everything else and just be tucked up in his arms.

"You dreamed of this too, Alexander," Magnus says when the thought occurs to him, his heart giving a painful thud. "You did; you dreamed about—"

"But it _felt_ like a dream," Alec says, shaking his head as he kisses the back of Magnus'. "It didn't… there was no part of it that felt real, or like… I knew it was a dream, even when I was dreaming. Does that make sense?"

"Not much about this does," Magnus admits, nuzzling against Alec's cheek.

"Why do you apparently remember all of this, and I don't?" Alec asks. There's no accusation in his voice, but there is confusion, and possibly an element of mistrust.

"I don't know. I suppose I… I don't really remember anything—"

"But you do feel like you remember _something_ ," Alec insists. "You knew stuff last night, when she was talking to us."

"Snatches of things. Vague memories. Things that feel missing that we— _I_ should have, or be able to do."

"I don't know what we're supposed to do here, Magnus," Alec says, his head dropping back against the couch.

"She told us—told _me_ —not to remember."

Magnus is torn. There is too much confusion in his head to ignore this, too much happening to just will it to go away. But there was fear in Sophia's eyes when she'd left them, worrying about them having to leave. New York is the only place he's ever known, even if his _other_ life suggests something different. New York is _home_ , and _everything_. It's where he met Alec, built a life with him, has every intention of growing old with him here.

"Magnus?"

"We need to… I don't know what we need to do."

"It's getting too much," Alec says with a soft kiss to his forehead.

"What is?"

"Whatever _this_ is? It's not good for you, Magnus. You're… it's getting too much; you're suffering here. And I don't even know, exactly, from what, or _with_ what. But there's something Sophia is keeping from us. Something about… things don't feel _right_ for you."

"I could… return to the doctors," Magnus offers. He doesn't think he needs it, is absolutely certain nothing medical is wrong.

"You don't need a doctor, I don't think," Alec replies with a shake of his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I… something's weird here. With us, Sophia, these things."

Magnus looks as Alec gestures at the tattoos on his arm, snags his wrist to raise it and kisses over the ones he can reach. Reminds himself that they're _runes_ , even if he's hazy on what that really means.

"I don't—this is—I hate seeing you suffering, Magnus," Alec whispers with another kiss for him; this time to his temple.

Magnus doesn't know what to say. He agrees but also disagrees, has this overwhelming need to keep Alec _safe_ even if he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to _keep_ him safe, or even from what. But every waking moment is becoming a burden, not knowing when his thoughts will be _his_ , or this other version of him that's growing more prominent.

A reminder of the taste of that bitter liquid slipping down his throat comes back to Magnus, and perhaps a dozen more vague memories of doing the same that make him pull back from Alec as he tries to think. He thinks he's sat with Sophia at lunch at the college to drink it, a strange interlude to their occasional shared meal.

"What is it?"

"Alec," Magnus says, his heart beating a little faster with an idea, "how… do you think perhaps you can take a couple of days off?"

"What? Why?"

"I just… I think if we can get away from here. Take a weekend or something. Somewhere where we have no connection—no recollection of here."

"Well, that… I mean, we do keep talking about a vacation," Alec says with a curious smile. "You think that will help?"

"It might," Magnus replies with more confidence than he feels. "Just to be in a new—a different place for a short time."

"Then I'll see if I can swap some shifts around at least," Alec replies with a worried smile. "Are you gonna be able to take time off?"

"Oh, I'm sure they owe me for all the extra hours I put in when you are working overnight," Magnus replies. It's true, but he also has no intention of notifying the college until they've gone. And he has a theory that if _Sophia_ can't find out about them leaving, then perhaps he stands a better chance of remembering what she doesn't want him to.

"Okay, I'll—"

"Let's go now," Magnus urges, pulling Alec to his feet.

" _Now_?"

"Yes," he says, tugging him towards the bedroom so they can pack a bag.

"But—"

"I am sure if you tell them it is a family emergency, or something, that they will be fine with it."

It's reckless. And Magnus is sure he's never done anything reckless, but at the same time, he's almost certain that he has. "Alexander, let's live a little."

"By… not showing up at work?"

"Yes," Magnus tells him with false enthusiasm, his heart fluttering with a desperate need to get away. If he has space to think, and feel, and _know_ his mind without this possible interference, Magnus is sure everything will come back to him, and that he'll be able to help Alec get his memories back as well.

Alec clearly has doubts about the idea but doesn't say a word, instead packs a couple of changes of clothes into their already open bag. And as Magnus watches, he begs himself to hold on just a little longer, knowing his truth is going to reveal itself soon, and that there'll be no way to unknow it.

* * *

It's funny, Magnus thinks as he stares back at himself in their bathroom mirror a few days later, that their impromptu break away wasn't the thing to trigger his memories. And that it isn't until now they've returned to their apartment that the two worlds he exists in have come crashing to a head.

Alec is working, and Magnus had started his usual listless routine the moment he'd left. He'd eaten, drank, looked at and pushed away outstanding work, ignored any notifications on his cell phone for anything that wasn't from Alec. He'd changed into softer clothes for tai chi, for once allowing a glimpse at himself in the full mirror of their bedroom when he'd normally avoid it instinctively, not flinching this time when amber cat eyes blinked back at him like they so often did. Watched the rise and fall of his chest, _knew_ without reason to that the bareness there was more often draped with jewelry. That his eyes were normally lined with kohl, and dark colors adorned every fingertip.

Magnus had ignored the usual erratic pumping of his heart for any thoughts of his _other_ self and moved back through to the lounge to begin exercising. Allowed himself to be curious as he hadn't before about what would happen if he didn't try to prevent that _other_ rising to the surface. A _something_ nudged itself alive in his chest that didn't belong in him, and yet _was_ him. And when he'd finished, Magnus returned to staring in the mirror, allowing the truth to unfold with every blink.

He watches his eyes now, blinking one minute brown and the next that curious amber, no longer frightened of his reflection yet not sure what to do about his revelation at all. Whatever he's been taking for however long he's been taking it has worn off—possibly because he's not been anywhere near Sophia to receive another _vial_ or other medication. And out of nowhere, but also what feels long overdue, Magnus is beginning to remember.

A dim lit bedroom with a woman laid prone beneath silk sheets, a knife protruding from her chest. Luscious leaves rustling providing the backdrop to a startled, frightened pair of eyes staring back at him before a blast of energy from his own hand closed them eternally. Lakes, mountains, vast sprawling cities, and unmarked roads. Love, life, and laughter, mingled with loneliness, loss, and self-loathing. A thousand smiling faces and several thousand fearful ones more.

There are people he's known, places he's visited, worlds within worlds that are both hidden and revealed. There is magic in his fingertips; quite literally, Magnus realizes as he raises his palms and begins to see a faint white light dancing from them. Knowledge in his head to both heal and do unspeakable things.

Vampires. Werewolves. Seelies. Demons. And Warlocks, since that is what _he_ is. He is a _warlock_ , filled with just as much potential for destruction as his dreams have tried to warn him about, and this world he lives in is just a pale imitation of all that he is.

Nephilim, Magnus adds to his list faintly when the next wash of memory sets in, Alec is a _Nephilim_ , a _Shadowhunter_. He is living this lie of an existence with him, yet is the only thing Magnus wants to cling to in this world. Magnus looks at his wedding ring, remembers with full clarity the day that they had vowed to be together for the rest of their days. Only, that isn't true, he thinks with another thud of his heart, they won't get that—not in a conventional way, anyway. He is _immortal_. Alec is going to leave him one day. And Magnus will go back to being alone, as Magnus has always hated being.

Pausing to wipe tears from his eyes, Magnus forces such bleak thoughts away. This has always been a discussion they have returned to in their relationship—at least it _was_ one, before all of _this_ happened. It's something else they have to deal with, and right now there is a very long list of somethings. The fact that Alec clearly remembers none of this perhaps being the first to address.

Magnus isn't surprised. The magic he's had to use here to delude himself is beyond anything he's ever accomplished before; even if it has failed and his magic has protested, continuously pushing back enough to make him seem ill. That he's maintained it for so long Magnus half-wants to feel proud of, yet the pride gives way to heartache if he thinks it for a second too long.

He's lived a lie, made Alec live one with him, made a life with just the two of them in the Mundane world. Magnus mourns a little for the simplicity they can't have now, half-wishing he'd listened to earlier instincts not to remember, and is hit with waves of guilt for what he's done, however well-intentioned.

Collecting the various now-dormant hex bags and charms he'd initially placed around the apartment, Magnus gathers them all into a pile in the bathroom sink then scrapes them up into a trash can, tying off the bag to take outside. That he's concealed them so well means he doesn't find the last of the charms until three hours after he started looking for them. Magnus has never been in possession of so many anti-warlock things in his life; he grimaces when he holds the bag up to inspect and promises himself some fresh air.

There is no relief.

Magnus returns immediately to the apartment, a hundred expected questions from Alec once he begins to tell him all that's happened, and perhaps room for a hundred arguments more. This was for him, this _is_ for him, but that is no easy defense. Not when he's kept things from Alec for all this time, just to selfishly remain by his side.

And now he's failed, Magnus thinks, wishing his magic was returning already to full power so that he could break something, knowing how easy it would then be to mend.

Magnus blinks away further tears, tells himself not to be selfish, checks the time on his phone and charges from the apartment, heading down to the firehouse where Alec works.

* * *

"If it was me that was supposed to forget, I don't understand why you didn't remember anything either."

Alec is taking this remarkably well, Magnus thinks, not daring to trust he won't still be furious with him. He's tempted to drink several more of the martinis he's been sinking since they arrived here in this nondescript bar near Alec's work, so Magnus could _talk_ to him.

"That was my choice," he says, and it's true. Though Magnus is sure he's never been crippled with this much guilt for being selfish in his life.

"Your choice?" Alec says with a shake of his head, frowning as he plays with his glass.

"I agreed to take my own memories away—to suppress my magic," Magnus tells him, unsure how Alec will react to that. In fairness, he doesn't know how he'll react to anything. What must it feel like to learn you've been living a lie, and been lied to by the one person who's supposed to love you more than anything else?

"That's… that's too big," Alec replies, shaking his head again, this time in denial. "Magnus, that's too much—"

"It isn't," Magnus, wanting to take his hand, "not at all."

"But—"

"I chose this for you, Alexander. I chose this so you wouldn't have to be alone, because I don't _want_ you to be alone. And I don't want to be without you."

"You'll never be without me," Alec smiles, slotting their fingers against the table and squeezing.

Something is wrong.

Magnus knows this, knows he should have noticed by now. Alec is too calm and too accepting of his words for him to be listening to any one of them.

"That's the thing. I _will_ be," Magnus urges him, this the very last subject he wants to talk about, but needing to make Alec understand. "I'm immortal, Alec. You're not. And though we agreed back _then_ that we would remain together for the rest of your lifetime, does not make it any easier now to bear the thought of losing you one day."

"It's a little morbid, though, isn't it?" Alec teases, now taking Magnus' hand in both of his own.

"What?"

"Thinking about one of us dying. I mean, we can't stop that, obviously—"

"But I _won't_ die, Alexander," Magnus replies, his voice breaking even as he convinces himself that it's not. "I won't. I _can't_ ; not unless I am killed. I don't even get _sick_ in the same way as a—"

"You were pretty sick with all those headaches," Alec points out, raising his hand to kiss over his knuckles. "And for someone who _can't get sick_ you went through about a gallon of cough syrup. Enough tissues to deforest—"

"It was the spell. The magic I was using on myself, to keep everything suppressed."

"And that manifested itself as a really bad cold?" Alec asks, not hiding the disbelief in his voice.

"This isn't magic I've used before. I couldn't know what would happen. I suppose I should be thankful that it lasted this long without anything worse happening. And all the paranoia, confused memories, and hallucinations; they had to come from this as well."

"Right," Alec says, licking his lips, and in doing so pulling Magnus back to gold sheets in the bedroom of an apartment on the other side of the city, where Magnus had revealed himself to Alec for the first time—in more ways than one.

"Alexander. I know this is a lot to take in. But—"

"I think… I think we have to accept that you're… Magnus, you're not well. You're not."

"Alec, I—"

"This is a kind of personality disorder," Alec continues, ducking his gaze for a second before looking back at him with such intensity it's impossible for Magnus to look away. "I've been looking it up at work when I've had time to—"

"Alec—"

"You've created this entire world in your head, Magnus," Alec says softly, smiling even though he's on the edge of tears. "What did you call it?"

"What?"

"This place. This… world you think we live in that's parallel with this one?"

"I didn't say the Shadow World was parallel. It exists at the same time; it _is_ the same time."

"Right," Alec nods, swirling his thumb over Magnus' knuckles, a gesture that would normally be soothing but today is anything but. "I'm a… _Shadowhunter_. And you're a _Downworlder_ —"

"I'm a warlock," Magnus tells him, trying to conjure magic in his palm, but it's still mostly dormant, and he has no idea when it will come back properly for being forced away for so long.

Alec watches the flare of his fingers, pursing his lips together, then folds Magnus' fingers into his palm and closes his hand over the top of it to squeeze softly. "Magnus. There's nothing there."

"But there's—"

"Magnus," Alec urges, reaching across the table to cup his face, "I _love_ you. I love you so much. And I'm gonna love you, and help you, through whatever we need to do here—"

"We don't need to do _anything_ here. Well, we _do_ ," Magnus amends, trying to keep calm for the thought of what will happen to them now. What the Clave might expect, what further punishments they may now want to inflict on Alec, what lengths they might go to, to keep his former life hidden from him. He's failed at keeping the secret; is he now going to lose Alec altogether?

"Magnus—"

"I'm not leaving you. I'm not," Magnus tells him, gripping back just as hard, wanting them to just _run_.

"Magnus—"

"You said it yourself. We both know there is something different about our… situation. We both suspected things to both be true, and not. We talked about this—"

"And I don't think I helped you at all going along with all that," Alec replies, sitting back and frowning, full of guilt. Magnus' stomach gives a violent jolt that he has to consciously not show.

"You… didn't mean it? That you… you didn't think something was wrong too? You were just… placating me?"

"I said, I didn't know what to think," Alec replies. "I—"

"But your _runes_ —"

"They're not _runes_ , Magnus. They're nothing more than tattoos."

Alec's voice is a loud, frantic whisper; probably scared that his unstable _husband_ is going to attract attention. Magnus wants to flinch back away from him for not being believed, to take a moment to lick his wounds. But for Alec, he can't.

"Alec—"

"Tell you what," Alec says, squeezing his hand once again. "Let's go home. Order some food, take a bath, just… relax a little."

"But—"

"Then," Alec continues, not giving him the chance to interrupt, "maybe you can show me this magic of yours."

Magnus watches the stir of Alec's thumb against his palm and wills that magic to well up to prove that he isn't making any of this up, but it doesn't.

"I—"

"And I heard what you said," Alec adds, "about this _Shadow World_ being secret. So you can't… we're not supposed to talk about this stuff, or, I don't know… _demonstrate_ any of this stuff in front of these… what do, uh… what do we call regular people?"

"Mundanes, Alec. We call them _Mundanes_. But—"

"Right," Alec says, nodding, "so I know I can't ask you to do it now. But when we get home, I'd really like to… maybe you can show me this _warlock mark_ of yours. These… _cat eyes_."

Magnus tries to blink them free of glamor here and now, not caring who else might see, but from the look on Alec's face knows they haven't budged. "I guess I must still be fairly depleted."

Alec's expression slips for a second, that calm mask revealing the utter horror and fear he has for him before he can cover it up. But he smiles easily once he has, squeezing Magnus' hands and nodding towards the door. "Tell you what. I'll make you a deal."

"What?" Magnus asks in suspicion, knowing what that reasonable tone usually means.

"We get home, take a little time for just us. Then you can show me some evidence—this magic, and these other eyes of yours. And then I'll… I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'll try to believe everything it is you're telling me."

It sounds reasonable, even if Magnus wants to be indignant that he doesn't just take his word for it. He tries to think about their situation rationally and does his best to understand. Alec is a _Mundane_ now; he doesn't know any other existence. The Shadow World sounds straight out of some movie, or book, far too fantastical to be believable. But it's also Magnus' truth—Alec's too, at one point. Though he's forgotten so much, Magnus thinks, beginning to despair, and tries to cover it up.

"That's… fair," Magnus replies, giving a cautious nod.

"And if… if for any reason you can't," Alec continues, darting his eyes elsewhere so Magnus knows to brace for what's to come.

"Yes?"

"If you can't… if you can't show me proof that you're… one of these people—"

"A warlock."

"A _warlock_. Right," Alec says with a sickly smile that says how much he's struggling. "If you can't… maybe if you can't show me that, you'll let me take you to the hospital. Or find you another doctor. Or do… whatever it takes to make you well again."

Alec still thinks he's sick. It makes Magnus' chest ache even if he's already worked out that much, but it's still crushing to look back at the person that is his whole world, and not have them understand.

"It's a deal," he says, with his own sickly grimace, leaning across the table for a kiss that tastes like goodbye, even though he knows it shouldn't.

* * *

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) so, as I've already said, this was written in entirety before season three aired, so plots that have happened here are complete divergence from those we've seen on screen, I know that :D this is just an interpretation of something I wondered about but hadn't seen up until the point of writing.

"Izzy."

Izzy is leaning against their front door looking both defeated and relieved to see them when they return. Magnus bites back a furious yell of wanting her to leave them alone; he needs to talk to Alec about this, explain this isn't some figment of his imagination. The only thing blocking his path from doing so is the tear-filled gaze Izzy is turning on him now.

"They know, Magnus," She says, her eyes falling to Alec with such fear in her expression that Magnus could scream at his magic for not being back so he could get them in a portal and away from here. That continual sense of foreboding that's been taunting him for months is finally upon them, and Magnus isn't anything like prepared.

"Who? And… know what?" Alec says, his own expression filled with the typical suspicion he's always had for _Sophia_. Magnus asks himself what it must be like for Izzy to have her brother not know her at all, then remembers his fear of Alec not recognizing _him_ , and can't stand it.

"You've been summoned. Both of you," Izzy says tearfully, handing Magnus a document with the familiar symbol of the Clave. Magnus doesn't need to open it to know it contains nothing good.

"How long? When?"

"Tomorrow," she tells him, with pleading in her eyes as she turns to Alec and takes his hand. "Your apartment is being watched. If you try to leave, they will know. And the punishment may be even worse than… worse than whatever they already have planned. I don't know what they're going to _want_ , Magnus. But I think… what if they do it again?"

Magnus doesn't need to ask. It's the final part of his memory that, aside from Alec's mortality, he's feared more than anything else. "What do we do?"

"Let him remember," she whispers, her lip trembling, "let him know what is coming. It might be his only chance, if he finds a way… shows enough strength to defend himself. It might not. But I… I don't know how we get out of this, Magnus."

"I—"

"I need to go," Izzy says, taking a second to compose herself, "I'm already—I'm being watched too. They don't trust me to not try and break you out of here."

"Izzy—"

"Tomorrow morning," she says, swallowing back further tears, "there will be a portal at nine in the morning to take you."

"Take us where?" Alec asks, eyes repeatedly darting between the two of them waiting for an explanation.

"Idris," Magnus says, adding that to the list of things that for Alec need an explanation.

"But—"

Izzy first hugs Alec, who stands rigidly but doesn't move to back away, and then throws her arms around Magnus' shoulders. "I love you both. If they'll allow me to be there, I will."

"Izzy—"

Izzy shudders against him, tears still cascading down her cheeks as she pulls back. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Magnus nods, having nothing else he thinks he can say to her. Holding Alec's hand as together they watch her walk away.

* * *

"Deruning doesn't mean actual removal of the runes, only a… only a treatment that means the runes will no longer work—will no longer respond to a stele."

Magnus hadn't known where to start. He's still clutching the summons from the Clave between his fingers, and has had to let Alec be the one to pour them both a glass of scotch for how hard he's trembling.

"A treatment?" Alec asks.

Magnus closes his eyes. Starting with the _why_ this has all happened seemed a good plan as the words were forming, but now he thinks perhaps it would have been more effective to be clearer on the _how_.

"It is a ceremony performed by the Silent Brothers that, in effect, switches off the connection between the runes and angelic blood."

"Can it be reversed?" Alec asks, frowning. "Not that I'm asking for that; I don't know what… I don't understand any of this—"

"That's because you were stripped of your memories. You are… when a Shadowhunter is deruned in the way that... in the way that _you_ were deruned, they are stripped of the very essence that made them a Shadowhunter. You are ostracized from the Shadow World, Alec."

Alec is still _his_ Alec. Is still the same Alec he fell in love with, and the one who unlocked that _something_ in him so very long ago. But he is no longer Alec _Lightwood_ , proud leader and Head of the New York Institute. Alec Lightwood wouldn't take the news of not being part of the Shadow World any longer so well, but _this_ Alec appears as untroubled as if he'd been told he could no longer go to a restaurant he doesn't really like.

"Wouldn't it make sense for them to just get rid of the runes altogether?" Alec says, staring down at the runes up his arms in confused fascination.

"Perhaps it is seen as a form of punishment."

"How?"

"Well. _You_ know you have these runes. _You_ are aware of them—"

"Can't exactly miss them—"

"Exactly," Magnus agrees. "And to have these marks on your body and not know their origin; perhaps that is enough to put a person ill at ease."

"I—"

"And also," Magnus adds, because the suggestion sounds foolish now he's said it out loud, "just because _you_ cannot recognize these to be Shadowhunter runes, does not mean those who might wish harm on a former Shadowhunter would also not. You are, in effect, a target."

"And this… Clave. They know about this? They're… okay with leaving one of their own so vulnerable, if that's the case?"

Magnus closes his eyes, wishes for a better opinion of the Clave so his words won't come out tainted, but doesn't have one.

"Alec. They no longer see you as one of their people. You are nothing to them. They would prefer that you were far and away from the area, and already adjusted to a Mundane life. Where you would hopefully never come into contact with the Shadow World again."

"A Mundane life. Like we have here," Alec says. He's trying so hard to believe him, but Magnus can tell that he is still full of doubt.

"Yes."

"Then, how come I could stay here?"

"A loophole I suggested," Magnus replies, hit by a nauseating stab of guilt. "A plea that went on deaf ears when your parents first presented the idea, until we used the loophole to plead your case. Your family, they wanted you… near them. Even if you did not know who they are. They wanted to be able to check in—they wanted to be able to check that you were okay. So the agreement was, reluctantly for the Clave, that you and I would remain here. But that the Clave—the _Institute_ , really—would continue to check up on us. To monitor what we were doing."

"Sophia."

"Amongst others," Magnus agrees, watching Alec nod.

"And the other people she mentioned when she was here last. They're… I'm related to them?"

"You are, Alec."

"I… have a family? When you don't?" Alec asks, still sounding unconvinced.

"Yes."

"That… doesn't seem fair, Magnus."

"I suppose it isn't. I suppose it is the price we pay for having such an endless stretch of years."

The look on Alec's face says that _immortality_ is going to be one of the hardest things for him to accept. "Okay—"

"Besides. I _do_ have a family," Magnus tells him, allowing himself to lean in for one single kiss, just in case Alec might pull away. "I have you."

"You'll always have me," Alec counters, slotting his hand through the back of Magnus' hair to keep him still, and kissing back harder.

Magnus is frightened to pull away, the sense that any kisses now exchanged between the two of them might be last ones. He has no idea what to expect in Idris, no way of telling if the Clave is as cruel as he really believes them to be. Would they really do worse to Alec on top of everything else?

"You're scared," Alec says when he pulls back, holding on to his hand.

"Terrified."

"Can I ask about what? _Of_ what? I mean… I know I don't _know_ any of this stuff, but I… so what if I remember, huh? Not like I'd wanna go back to that life. Not like I _can_ —"

"True. But they—the Clave is rarely rational about such things."

"Magnus," Alec says softly, "I don't mean to… are you sure you're not just feeling like this—feeling worried about whatever's supposed to happen when we get to this Idris place—because you've… you haven't been _well_ , Magnus. Are you sure you're not just worried because of _that_?"

"I can't know either way, for sure," Magnus replies, "even if that is something I'm considering, and hoping for, believe me. But that Izzy is so worried tells me that we really do have something to fear from this. I can't be sure. I can't even tell if Izzy being so… _emotional_ , because of how much she is missing you, or how much she fears she'll never see you again."

Alec is understandably still bewildered, and Magnus succeeds only in kissing away the confusion from his face for a second.

"So, what are you scared of?" Alec asks again when they pull apart.

"Losing you, Alexander," he whispers, "I am afraid of losing you."

"I'm not going anywhere," Alec tells him, taking Magnus' glass from his fingers to push it along with his on to the table, then gripping around his waist in the way he does when he's about to pull Magnus into his lap.

"Wait."

Alec freezes, fingers still pressed into his sides, an eyebrow raised in question and Magnus torn between what he wants, and what he needs to do.

"Perhaps it would… Perhaps the thing to do here is _show_ you."

"Magnus?"

Magnus is up and across the room already in their kitchen, searching out ingredients he can't logically justify keeping in the apartment; isn't even sure how they got here. But everything he needs is here, as though he anticipated this happening. Did he prepare for every eventuality, Magnus wonders, hating that he still has so many memory gaps?

"What is it?" Alec says, joining him at the sink, his eyes falling down to the glass bowl he's mixing a fizzing concoction together in.

"I don't have enough magic to be able to show you this _naturally_."

"Show me what?"

"I think the easiest thing for me to do is show you _my_ memories, Alec. Not of everything, of course; I'm not sure we'd have time. But my memories of you, before _this_ happened."

"Warlocks can do that?"

"Warlocks can do all kinds of things," Magnus replies, leaning in for a quick, indulgent kiss. He needs the few seconds of peace it affords him before he can go on.

"How?"

"How, what?"

"How do you share your memories?" Alec asks.

"Usually," Magnus sighs, adding more ingredients to his mixture, "it is as easy as plucking the thought from my mind."

Magnus lifts his hand to press two fingers against Alec's forehead in tease. Alec reaches up to wrap his own fingers around them.

"But because your magic is dormant—"

"Then this potion will need to suffice," Magnus finishes for him. "It will give you at least a hint of what—of what a part of your life was like."

"You mean, in this Shadow World?" Alec says, leaning back against the counter and watching him in interest as he works; like Magnus remembers he used to do in their old apartment. These frequent stabs back into their former reality are painful for everything he remembers and Alec does not. Maybe this potion might do something to rectify that, even if that's not his primary intention.

"It will be a very skewed view of the Shadow World, Alec," Magnus cautions, plucking out a couple of hairs from his head to add to the bowl.

Alec watches him doing it and doesn't hide his grimace. "How?"

"It will only be _my_ view."

"How's that a bad thing?"

The look of open trust on Alec's face puts flutters in Magnus' stomach. He has to lean in to kiss him again, because that trust feels like too much.

"Well. I don't have the best view of the Clave owing to things in my… history, and all that led to us needing to live like this has done nothing to improve that opinion. I cannot show you my memories without showing you, probably, my bias."

"Okay," Alec shrugs, not seeming to find any problem with that.

"I can also only give you memories of what _we_ have shared together. I can't, for example, share much of your family aside from the comparatively small amount I know—comparative to what _you_ once knew, anyway. This particular spell might not give me beyond what I have shared with you since we first met, since my magic has not yet properly returned."

"I don't know anything, about any of this," Alec says with an unconcerned smile. He knows no fear, because as far as he knows, he _has_ nothing to fear. Magnus has a moment of wishing he could feel like that.

"I know. But—"

"Magnus," Alec says, leaning to kiss his cheek before pulling back to give him room to pour the potion into two small glasses. "I trust you. I trust you with anything; including this—whatever it is. I trust you with my whole life."

Magnus tells himself he is not tearing up for Alec's words but has to close his eyes. He reaches for Alec and falls into his arms, allowing the luxury of his hug for a few moments before he has to force himself back.

"We should sit for this," Magnus says, lifting then waving the two glasses. "I have no idea what it might do to the pair of us if we are standing. I haven't knowingly used magic for all this time, and you have no memory of what it feels like at all."

Alec goes without questioning it, following him back to the couch, but staring suspiciously at the glass now in his hand.

"Are you ready?"

Alec eyes the glass again, reaches out to hold on to Magnus' fingers, clinks his glass against Magnus' and raises it to his lips.

* * *

Alec's breathing is harsh, his lips trembling even as they're gaping open, and his expression torn between horror, confusion, fear, and so many other things. Magnus just wants to reach for him, to wrap him up in his arms and keep him safe, though he doesn't know if his touch will be welcome just now. He doesn't know if Alec will blame him for what has come to be, or even if he resents him for choosing the life that they now have. He hasn't even shown him all the details of everything that's happened, with Alec becoming too upset and Magnus having to snap him out of it.

"But you lost everything," Alec says, his eyes brimming with tears, "it wasn't just… Magnus; you lost _everything_. Your memories, your magic. Your way of life."

"And I would do it again. Multiple times. I couldn't bear the thought of you being alone in the world. I couldn't bear it, Alec; the thought of being without you, I just… I did this for you. But I also did it for me. It's selfish, but I… I couldn't bear to be without you. I love you too much to ever… Alexander. I _love_ you. I needed to do this for you, and for me."

Alec crying is the last thing Magnus ever wants to see or cause, and it becomes too much to wait to see if Alec is ready for him. Magnus shifts across the couch to close the gap between them and wraps him up in a tight hug, muttering soothing words into his shoulder as Alec cries himself out.

"How, Magnus? How did you do it?"

"An initial spell, followed by… supplementary spells."

"How?"

"As well as numerous charms and other things that I'd hidden around the apartment—"

"You knew we were gonna live here before… you did all that?" Alec asks. It's a fair question, and Magnus can't keep another thing from him if he's asking about it.

"I did know," Magnus admits, "I bought this place. I wanted us to have a secure _home_ , Alec. If we were to… if we were to live lives that we were… I suppose thrown into the middle of, then I wanted us to at least have a home."

Alec nods, and Magnus knows it's a lot to process. He's half-expecting that when this conversation is over, that Alec will demand a little time alone, or need to go for a walk to get some air. Magnus can't let him do that, not now. Not now that he's revealed this to him. The Clave will be watching, and any sign of Alec recognizing any part of the Shadow World will cause them nothing but problems that Magnus hasn't stopped worrying about the severity of yet. But then Izzy  _told_ him to help Alec remember. What if he—

"Okay. So these… whatever these things were, they worked on you, and not on me," Alec says with a sharp shake of his head like he's trying to clear it of all the strands of thoughts that must be tangled in there.

"That's right."

"Because… all my memories were already taken, in some sort of ceremony," Alec adds. He still doesn't sound like he's believing everything Magnus is telling him, and Magnus can't blame him for it, but wishes there was an easier way to help him.

"Yes."

"So… what did you do to yourself?"

"Myself?"

"C'mon, Magnus," Alec says, smiling with a hint of frustration that he softens the blow of by squeezing his hand. "Even if this is all… I just don't see how a few _things_ put around here out of sight could make you forget all of that."

"There were other things necessary," Magnus admits.

"Like what?"

"I made myself a… medicine, that I would need to regularly take to keep the spell active, and my magic dormant. I suppose it was too much to expect it to last indefinitely."

"The painkillers you were taking for your headaches," Alec replies with wide, understanding eyes.

"That, and those vials of… whatever it was that I was drinking with Izzy. Sophia."

"So she _was_ doing—"

"I don't remember, exactly, the details of what we agreed. But Izzy agreed to help me with the—if my memories started to surface. I think I remember making an enormous quantity of potion. And having arrogant overconfidence that everything else I had prepared for myself would work."

Magnus knows he owes Izzy so much even if he doesn't remember all those details. He promises himself he'll try to repay her in some way when he can.

"And that… all the headaches you were getting," Alec says, "how sick you were—all the nightmares—"

"My body was simply fighting back," Magnus agrees. "I think… I _know_ I was too ambitious—too _arrogant_ —thinking I could maintain that _state_ for so long."

"Why would you do that to yourself?" Alec whispers, horrified. "Why would you… why would you hurt yourself like that?"

Magnus is hit with the same wave of despair he'd felt when the deruning ceremony had happened, and tries to hold on to his tears. "For you, Alexander. A hundred times over and every day of my life; I would do that for you."

"Magnus," Alec says softly, his voice still thick with tears, "how—how long were we like this? Here?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"I have to know," Alec urges, gently squeezing his upper arms. "I need to."

"Almost eighteen months," Magnus replies, half-expecting Alec to be alarmed.

"We've only been together a year and a half?" Alec says with a huff of disbelief as he shakes his head.

"No," Magnus smiles, though this is what he fears, even if he hasn't really known to fear it; the timescale of  _them_ for Alec must feel so skewed. "No, we have been together much longer than that. We've been _here_ that long—been _married_ for—"

"I know how long we've been _married_ , Magnus," Alec says with an affectionate laugh. "We just celebrated our first anniversary last month."

Magnus closes his eyes, fights to remember that anniversary better, loathes that such a _good_ memory has got lost in the mess that is his mind. "I know."

"It feels like so much longer," Alec says after a pause, and shakes his head immediately, groaning at himself. "Of course it does."

"Alec?"

"I don't remember any other life than this. I'm… I mean, I'm torn. I have vague thoughts that I _thought_ were memories of before we came to live here. I feel like I remember details of the life I had before all this stuff you're trying to tell me, but it's… muted. Blurred, I guess."

"What do you remember?" Magnus asks, both curious and fearful.

"I remember… I feel like I went to some weird private school somewhere," Alec says with a burst of confused laughter.

"Why was it weird?"

"I don't know. It just felt like… I guess whoever my parents were—are, they were kind of wealthy enough to send me to some… I don't know. I know there weren't all that many people in my classes, that I hated languages. Tolerated history. I think I liked… I don't know, Magnus. I feel like I was interested in stuff like _law_ , but I can't remember too much of it now. I don't think I did all that well in school, if I'm honest. I mean, I'm not _stupid_ —"

"Of course you're not—"

"But I'm not like… I like what I like. I'm not book smart," Alec tells him with another curious shake of his head.

"What else do you remember?"

"Not too much," Alec admits. "I can… I know I _had_ parents, but I don't remember seeing them all that much. I was always in school; I guess I must have gone home for the holidays, but I… I don't really remember anything specific."

Magnus wants to ask more. But now that Alec's stranded between two worlds, he daren't. Especially since they have no idea what to expect in Idris.

"I still remember more about my life like _this_ than I do of any of the stuff you're trying to tell me," Alec says then. "It's like… I mean I trust you, more than anything. But none of it feels like my life. Like… why do I know all this stuff—about being a firefighter, and all that, but I don't know a single thing about this… I don't know; I get the feeling you're telling me I was some kind of soldier, or something. But I don't… it feels weird, like it's impossible for me to ever have been like that."

"It will feel like that. That was the—the methods performed by the Silent Brothers are supposed to wipe you of all knowledge of the Shadow World."

"The ceremony thing?"

"Yes."

Alec nods again, and Magnus stays silent to leave him processing, though still holding firmly on to his hand. "You _hated_ what I represented back in… _that_ life."

"No I didn't—"

"Magnus," Alec says with a soft smile, "you gave me _your_ memories. Don't think I didn't _hear_ in amongst all that your… confusion about letting yourself fall in love with a _Shadowhunter_."

"You aren't—you weren't like other Shadowhunters," Magnus protests, though he's not sure what kind of case he's trying to make here.

"No?"

"Absolutely not. You were… willful. Stubborn. Ignorant of much at times—"

"I sound _amazing_ —"

"But you were also willing to learn. To make mistakes, and to… grow from that. Not one of us is without opinions, or ideals in our past that we have… learned our way out of because they are not good ones."

"Even you?" Alec teases, raising Magnus' hand to kiss the back of, playing with the ring on his finger out of a habit formed in _this_ life they share together.

"Especially me. I have lived long enough to form and reform my opinions and outlook on so many things, numerous times."

It's on the tip of Alec's tongue to ask a question about his age, Magnus can see it. But there are so many things Magnus knows he's having a hard time dealing with understanding, or even accepting as a possibility. Alec probably doesn't know where to start.

"I remember marrying you," Alec blurts out suddenly, his voice cracking, squeezing over Magnus' ring again, with his jaw beginning to tremble. "We went on honeymoon. We built a life here; I remember being excited when you started work at the college, and being so nervous on my first day at the firehouse, and—"

"Alexander—"

"And now you're telling me none of it was real? None of it?" Alec demands brokenly through his tears.

Magnus grips both of Alec's hands and kisses over his knuckles, encouraging him to sit back more comfortably on the couch. Magnus offers Alec his wine, watches him gulp it down and push the glass back on the table with trembling fingers, and waits until he nods before standing. Magnus crosses the lounge to a short bookcase, sliding out their wedding album from one of its shelves, then returns to sit beside him.

"We only had a small wedding," Magnus says, beginning to turn the pages, "but I assure you; everything that you remember—everything that has happened to us as Mundanes is real, Alexander. You married me. I'm afraid you're rather stuck with me now."

Magnus says his words as his own trembling fingers slide their marriage certificate from a page, flattening it against Alec's lap and giving him time to read. Pleads with himself to be understanding if this is not what Alec now wants.

"So, we have something good that's come of all this," Alec says, stroking his finger over their names, then holding up his hand to inspect his ring. He leans against Magnus' shoulder for a moment then turns quickly, grabbing his face and kissing him hard enough to dislodge the album and certificate.

"Alec—"

"I only want you, Magnus," Alec whispers in between kisses, "I only want you. I don't know—I don't know what happens now with me remembering, what that means. What we're supposed to do. But I want… whatever happens, I just… I want to be with _you_."

"I don't know how to be without you, Alexander."

There are fresh tears for them both. And the hours are already ticking down to the morning when they will be taken from here. Magnus wishes he could know what to expect, or some other way to protect Alec, but does the only thing he knows how to. Holding on to Alec with no intention of ever letting him go, with Alec clinging back just as tight.

* * *

 


	11. Chapter 11

"Why was I deruned?"

Alec's voice echoes as he speaks, bouncing off the thick stone walls of their barely furnished, pristine white room. It's more of a _cell_ than a room, Magnus thinks to himself, looking at the small gap that's supposed to be a window, and the door that has no handle on the inside.

He'd expected the question to come sooner than this, really, before they'd been brought here to Idris and locked away together. When he'd had to pull Alec out of remembering through his own memories there were so many things left unanswered; Magnus is sure this won't be the only question Alec thinks to ask.

They've been in Idris just a few hours, not permitted to leave their room, their only contact with the outside world since arriving the delivery of a bland meal brought in without ceremony or comment left on a table closest to the door. 

That they are allowed to even _be_ together currently is only because of a technicality within the Accords; Shadowhunters both former and current on trial who are married—with even a Mundane marriage afforded the same privileges because they forgot to exclude them—can be held with their spouses in the same room. Even when that marriage is to a _Downworlder_ , Magnus thinks with a groan; the loopholes in the Accords because of the Clave's prejudice are going to cost them severely one day, and Magnus thinks they couldn't be more deserving when that time comes. 

Still. He's thankful for that loophole now, otherwise, Alec's question might have never been asked. And as well as Alec needing to know all that's brought them to this moment, having to answer the question gives Magnus distraction from coming up with a dozen worst-case scenarios for what the Clave might do to Alec.

"Magnus?"

"There was a… we had some problems in New York with some rival… with a rival vampire clan specifically targetting Raphael's. From, we think, Edison—"

"We _think_?"

"Yes."

"Who's _we_?"

"Myself. Raphael. A number of members of his clan, and some of the other clans around New York."

"So, what happened?" Alec asks. He hasn't asked who Raphael is, Magnus realizes, so has to wonder if there's a residual memory of him, or if Alec's just trying to absorb as much information as he can. Magnus has the sudden urge to _see_ Raphael, to make sure he is okay as he had been doing for so long before all of this happened. But Alec is his priority; Magnus pinches his eyes and takes a moment to compose himself as he finds his words.

"They came to New York, specifically to cause difficulty with Raphael and his clan. Raphael's clan is one of the most... let's just say that, amongst all other clans in the area, Raphael treats his members the best; they are almost a family more than a clan. There was talk of this Edison clan leader wanting to merge the two clans together and create one larger to rule over all the others. But given the amount of ground that would need to cover, and the other territories it would involve, it would impossible, and not practical at all."

"That sounds… complicated," Alec says, clearly out of his depth.

"It was little more than an excuse. The other clan leader was… unfit to be a leader."

"How so?"

"Only interested in personal gain, what they could take and claim as theirs. No respect for laws of any kind, and no interest in protecting any members of their own clan unless they could use it as some kind of… bargaining tool."

"So, what happened?" Alec asks, looking both intrigued and as though he's struggling to follow. Magnus can't blame him; in the past twenty-four hours he's had so many new things thrown at him that must be whirling around his mind trying to find a place fit.

"This clan began attacking Mundanes in New York, disappearing just long enough for Raphael to be made aware of it and investigate, and the blame naturally falling to him. I'm sure I don't have to tell you the difficulties it caused between Raphael and Luke; not only because of the Downworld but—"

"Luke," Alec says, shaking his head before his eyes get wider. "Oh. The guy outside the firehouse."

"Yes. Luke is… well, Luke is… part of our world. The Shadow World. As well as—"

"Police. _Mundane_ police," Alec finishes for him, nodding.

"Exactly."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How is Luke part our world? _Your_ —the Shadow World?"

Magnus braces himself for a reaction, realizing belatedly that when he'd mentioned _vampires_ , Alec hadn't so much as blinked. "Well. Luke is a werewolf."

"A werewolf?"

"And also, pack leader. Alpha."

"So, he's in both worlds," Alec says, shaking his head and laughing, perhaps a little hysterically for trying to take everything in.

"Well. Yes."

"Then. What's the big deal with _me_ being in both? Not like I'm actually _doing_ anything in the Shadow World; I'm just _hearing_ about it."

Alec has a very valid point, but the thought of raising this with the Clave as an argument Magnus fears would put Luke's existence in jeopardy, so hopes it doesn't need to be brought up.

"Alexander. It's _different_ for Shadowhunters. You held a position of great responsibility. And you, to their mind, broke the law."

"So—"

"You became involved, or rather, Luke had to notify you about these Mundane attacks. Too many Mundanes were being killed, and a couple of them were turned, then just abandoned to fend for themselves."

"What happened to them?"

"Raphael took them in, did his best to help them. I have to believe the reason Raphael and his clan were targeted was because he has a reputation for becoming one of the best clan leaders I have known in centuries. For taking care of his people. For keeping those within his care safe, and trouble free. Even with the hostility between Luke's pack and Raphael's clan that, I suppose, some would say is only _natural_ , the successful working relationship between Downworlders here in New York owes much to Raphael—and Luke. Raphael and Luke's leadership is quite a rarity."

"And me—the Clave—the _Institute_ , right? What did we do to help?" Alec asks after he's nodded thoughtfully to what he's just been told.

"You called for meetings between everyone involved. Increased patrols. Made contact with several other Institutes who claimed they had no such vampires on their… records."

"And the attacks in New York?" Alec asks, his face becoming serious as though anticipating what he's about to hear.

"Increasingly worse. Luke had his pack begin to do their own patrols of sorts; it was an odd period of alliance between the Shadowhunters, vampires, and werewolves for a while," Magnus adds, thinking of the brief period of ceasefire of all their differences, including all the typical snide gestures and comments.

"That sounds… good?"

"You would think so," Magnus smiles. "Though the Clave became concerned about how closely the two Downworlder _factions_  were working together—"

"What? Why?"

"They began to accuse you of not doing enough," Magnus adds, knowing the next words will be difficult for Alec to hear.

"Not doing enough of what?"

"Dealing with the vampire problem. Not preventing the Downworlders working together in a self-regulated alliance without Clave representation, was one of the accusations."

"That sounds… Magnus, that sounds ridiculous."

"Oh, it is. It was."

"So, what did they do?" Alec asks, frowning so hard Magnus has to reach out and run his thumb along his brow to stop him, and can't resist leaning in for a kiss.

"They insisted on you implementing tighter controls."

"Like what?"

"Like those chips they tried to enforce on us before," Magnus replies, thinking of Maia and when she had been chipped by Jace.

"Chips?" Alec asks, shaking his head.

"To track us."

"To track who?"

"The Downworlders," Magnus replies, helplessly smiling at the bewildered look on Alec's face. "The Clave wanted to inject us with microchips; allegedly, for our own _safety_. To know where everybody was."

Alec shakes his head, eyes wide with disgust, and also, Magnus thinks, a little denial. "I would _never_ —"

"You refused, Alec," Magnus says, smiling in reassurance. "The first time it was out of your hands because you were yet to be Head of the Institute, and it didn't last long anyway. And you argued against it even though it was beyond your control. But the second? Honestly; I did not know that Inquisitor Herondale could turn that exact shade of purple when you told her what she could do with her chips. I almost wanted to have a shirt made in the same color."

"Magnus," Alec laughs, and Magnus wants to hear more of it, needs to add a little lightness to his mood.

"In any case. The Clave decided they had no choice but to interfere at the New York Institute when the Mundane attacks continued despite all our combined efforts. Reports began to surface of your… insistence on equality with the Downworlders."

"That sounds like a good thing?"

"It is for the Downworlders," Magnus agrees, "and it is for the Shadowhunters of New York. Though the Clave viewed it as a breach of so many of the Accords. The laws that govern the Shadow World."

"So—"

"So they investigated. Found excuse upon excuse, highlighted all kinds of failings—"

"I had failings? I thought you said I was _good_ at this… being this Head of Institute?"

"You were," Magnus insists, squeezing his hand, "you were the best—"

"And that's not you being _biased_?" Alec teases.

"I'm serious, Alec. You were a good, strong leader, who was fair, diplomatic, did your utmost to ensure equality for all—Shadowhunter _and_ Downworlder."

"But the Clave didn't see it like that?"

"They did not."

"And?" Alec prompts when Magnus falls silent, not knowing how to get out the rest of his words.

"Your support for the Downworld. Your alleged leniency in any wrongdoings, your compassion; your relationship with _me_ ," he adds, loathing himself for the part he's played in all of this, "these were all listed as _faults_. As why you were no longer fit to lead. Why you were no longer fit to even be a Shadowhunter."

"That sounds… _extreme_ ," Alec says after a short pause. It _is_ extreme, Magnus thinks, and it also seemed to come out of nowhere. One moment Alec was sifting through accusations of prioritizing Downworlders over his own people, and the next being invited to a meeting to discuss him being deruned.

"It was," Magnus agrees, "and it wasn't."

"Magnus?"

"Alexander, they... that you were an effective Head of Institute was... they allowed it, but they never accepted it truly. There were too many things they didn't approve of; me being one of them."

"You?" Alec asks, incredulous.

"I can't imagine  _I_ can take full credit," Magnus says with a bitter smile. "But there were decisions made regarding the Downworld, and other things, that they never approved of you making. And your family name had become... tarnished over the years, through no fault of your own. They began to view you as a threat because you wouldn't take their instructions without questioning them."

"Sounds like they didn't like that I had my own mind," Alec replies, scowling at the walls as though by doing so he's scowling at the entire Clave.

"They accused you of treason, Alec. They found you _guilty_ of treason, even though all the evidence said that you weren't," Magnus says, closing his eyes to the memory of Alec, frustrated and tired of fighting, returning home from a meeting where Magnus wasn't allowed to attend and collapsing straight into his arms in a flood of tears.

"But if—"

"The law can be manipulated to fit anything, Alexander; this has always been the way with the Clave. And this time it wasn't possible to change their minds due to a technicality, or loophole, as we have so often done in the past. Everything they accused you of could, in theory, be spun to be viewed as an act of treason, even though they were anything but."

"So—"

"The choices presented were either locking you up for life in the prisons of the City Of Bones, or—"

"Deruning," Alec nods in understanding, his jaw in a grim set line.

"The deruning ceremony in question is supposed to strip you of all memories of your Shadowhunter life. You were supposed to be deruned and then abandoned. You were supposed to leave New York, and not know that there was anything missing from your world."

"But I don't get—"

"Typically, if a Shadowhunter is deruned," Magnus continues, "they are not permitted to stay in the area of where they were deruned from, or in. They are to experience a total separation from the Shadow World so there is little chance of even being recognized in the same area, should they find themselves in it for… Mundane reasons, I suppose. The justification for such alienation was poor and convoluted, and the Clave did not take the care or time to truly explain."

Which, Magnus thinks, is an understatement. He'd portaled to the Institute following the deruning ceremony to find Alec's few non-Shadowhunter possessions disposed of like trash outside. There was no recovery period given following the ceremony, no compassion for the sleeping former-Shadowhunter whose mind was trying to mend. Magnus had been in a daze, leaving Alec with Izzy as he'd gone to gather up his things, and had returned to find Alec himself being carried from the Institute to be discarded just as unthinkingly, with guards holding back everyone from the Institute who fought against it happening.

Magnus remembers the sound of Alec thudding to the floor when in his rage he'd swept magic out knocking all the guards carrying Alec clattering against the Institute walls. He'd charged forward, picked Alec up himself and conjured a portal home, with Izzy, Jace, and Clary joining him seconds before it closed.

"It sounds like… Magnus, this sounds like they'd just… they'd decided what they were going to do with me either way," Alec says with a huff.

Magnus closes his eyes to the memory of Alec's deruning, and has to grit his teeth before his own tears can fall. "That is the impression I had, yes."

In their loft apartment, Izzy and Jace had brokenly told Magnus what to expect, with Clary just as horrified as him because it was new to her as well. Alec was no longer part of the Shadow World, wouldn't remember a single thing about it. No triumphs, successes, no good that he'd done, no enemies or trials that he'd faced. He would be a shell, the Clave uncaring if all the other parts of Alec would come back to him or not, if he'd be able to function in the world, or even care for himself alone.

Alec wouldn't know him. Wouldn't recognize him at all. Their life together wouldn't even be a distant memory for Alec, and out of all the ways Magnus had ever feared losing him up until that point, Alec seeing him only as a stranger had felt like the worst.

Magnus hadn't been able to bear it, and can still feel that same desperation even now. His first thought had been revenge and striking out at the Clave, but it had given way to grief Magnus thinks he's never known before. So he'd fought, shrugged off all the instincts telling him to lash out. He'd worked himself into a frenzy, pored over spell books and warlock tomes refusing to stop, with Izzy, Jace, and Clary crowded around their bed waiting for Alec to wake and Catarina doing her best to keep him from losing his mind.

It had taken him hours to find the right details to do what he knows was a desperate, dangerous attempt to keep Alec, and then a full day to prepare everything he could, stealing further hours more. Through a series of previously-untried magic interwoven through incantations, spells, and potions, Magnus had conjured a life for them, creating a vague sense of memory for Alec so he'd have enough to build a life on, and hiding his essence from himself, locking all the warlock parts of his existence away. So that when they woke together on a bitterly cold morning in their newly-purchased apartment, they'd _both_ just slotted right into it, as though it was the only life they had ever known.

"So… you mentioned a loophole?" Alec asks after he's shaken his head, rolled his shoulders and let out a hard sigh.

Everything might have been okay had his spells lasted longer, Magnus thinks, though he now wonders given all that's happened just how sustainable that sort of magic was ever supposed to be. His fear now is that they'll put Alec through the ceremony a second time, and that this time he might not survive it. Alec might be lost to him forever, because of what he did to stay with him.

"So few Shadowhunters have been deruned like this—so few have _argued_ for this sort of thing in the past, about being allowed to remain in their cities, and hometowns, and so on—that this was sort of a precedent for the Clave. They didn't really know what to do with you once we started asking them about this possibility."

Alec nods again, and Magnus wonders if he sees what his next words will be.

"This whole thing is because of _me_ , Alexander," he whispers, a lump already forming in his throat.

"How?"

"Because I wouldn't leave you."

"Why would I want you to leave me?" Alec asks, smiling at him.

"Perhaps you wouldn't—"

"I _wouldn't_ —"

"But the Clave was insistent," Magnus continues unable to hide the tremble in his voice. "They wanted you to have no ties with the Shadow World at all, including me. But I couldn't let you go, Alec."

"Magnus," Alec whispers, wrapping him up in a hug, "I wouldn't _want_ you to let me go."

"You would have been living your life without any of _this_."

"And I wouldn't have had _you_ , so, what would have been the point?" Alec counters, not allowing any of Magnus' words.

"I was so selfish," Magnus says, sighing and unable to untangle himself from Alec's grip.

"Because?"

"Because I couldn't bear the thought of you being totally alone in the world. But if I had let you, then I… then I can only believe you would have continued to live a Mundane existence without… without _me_ messing things up for you, by remembering myself."

"Hey—"

"I am so sorry, Alec. I have been so selfish—"

"No—"

"Maybe I should have just let you go, and come to find you again when you were settled; hope you might want to get to know me a second time," Magnus adds, loathing himself for what he's done. He _is_ selfish; now he's had some time to think about it he feels as though he's forced Alec to stay in love with him. Even if when Alec had woken from the deruning ceremony, the first thing he'd done was reach for him without even looking and then _shown_ him his love.

"I think I would fall in love with you every time I met you, Magnus," Alec tells him with a soft smile that, at the moment, Magnus doesn't think he deserves.

"But you could have—"

"Thank you, for wanting to stay with me," Alec says softly, cupping his face. "Thank you for… loving me so much you didn't want to leave me alone. I'd… I know I wouldn't know any better, but I… the thought of living any life without you… I don't want it, Magnus. I want my life with _you_. Wherever that is. Whoever we are."

"But I put you through all of this," Magnus whispers. The sleepless nights, the frequent terrors, the constant confusion, and all the other difficulties in between. It's true; their life before and in the midst of all of this has been wonderful. But Magnus wouldn't blame Alec if he resented him for it all.

"I don't know what I have to do, or say, to make you listen to me, Magnus," Alec says, cupping his face so Magnus has to look him in the eye. "I don't care what happens to me, or whatever you think I've missed out on. I don't care about any of that."

"You should—"

"I care about _you_ , Magnus. I love _you_. If I… you're the only person in my life that's loved me in both of these worlds. You're the only—I know I only have your memories of us to go on, but I… no one has ever loved me like you do; I know it. The same way I know I've never loved, or wanted anyone like I want you," he adds, leaning in for a soft kiss.

"Alec—"

"And anyway," Alec says, pulling back with a slight scowl on his face, though still holding on to Magnus so he knows it isn't aimed at him. "This… my _family_ , from all of this—"

Magnus takes, from Alec's jolted arm, that he means the Shadow World, and specifically, the Clave.

"—They followed me. They followed _us_ , Magnus."

"They also wanted to keep you here in New York."

"Why? If I couldn't remember them, what was the point?" Alec protests, adamantly shaking his head.

"Because they remember _you_ , Alexander," Magnus replies, trying to inject as much softness, and understanding into his voice as he can. "Because they love _you_. And they didn't want to let you go either."

"So they followed us. Helped drug you. Stuck a needle in me when we went to the doctors when you got _sick_ doing all this stuff to yourself just to help me."

"It wasn't just to help you. It was for me. Because _I_ needed you, Alec. I _need_ you."

"I need you too," Alec smiles with another kiss. "And I get why you did what you did. I get why we would stay in New York for... everything in _your_ life. Just… I don't get _them_. Not them. Not yet."

"They're your family, Alec. They were desperate to keep you in their lives by any means."

Magnus understands that desperation. The thought of never seeing Alec again had made him irrational, overconfident in his abilities to suppress his own magic and _hide_ it from himself. He feels foolish, and knows guilt is going to cling to him for some time; no matter how okay Alec seems to be doing with all of this.

"But I would forgive you first. Over anything. In fact, there's nothing to forgive you for at all. I understand why you did… everything, Magnus."

"You do?"

"Yes," Alec insists. "I think I'd… I know I'd go pretty crazy, if I thought I was losing you too. I'd do… anything to keep you. To stay with you."

Magnus is welling up, even though he doesn't mean to, even if for Alec and this unknown they're about to face, he's tried to keep strong. Even when his thoughts still don't seem to fit in his head, and there are still moments when he doubts where he is, and _who_ he is.

"So, any ideas you have in there that I blame you for a single thing, they're wrong, Magnus," Alec tells him, leaning in for a kiss after tapping him on the forehead. "Don't get me wrong; I'm mad you've had to suffer so much, and I'm mad that I couldn't do anything about it. I'm mad that this _Clave_ is treating us like this, and I can't… I'm struggling to understand why someone's _family_ would… I'm still figuring that part out. But Magnus; I don't blame you for a single thing. Even if you think I should."

"I'm so sorry—"

"Don't be," Alec tells him with a firmer kiss, and a look of delight on his face that is so out of place given the situation they are in. "Magnus; you gave up your whole _life_ for me. You let yourself live as a Mundane when there's all this _stuff_ you can do. All this life you've experienced. You could have anything, Magnus; don't think I'm ever gonna be mad at you for choosing to have _me_ over anything else."

"Alec," Magnus says, but then can get no other words out.

They hold on to each other tightly, and for a moment Magnus lets himself wonder what sort of life goes on in Idris beyond this room. If Maryse and Robert know they're here, if they'll be present for this _hearing_. Magnus doesn't know what else to call it, because they've not really been told what to fear.

He does fear though. The deruning ceremony is lethal, and Alec had laid unconscious for days following his before showing any signs of even the slightest movement. There had been a long period of no one knowing if he would ever wake, or if he did, if he'd be _whole_. But he had woken, slotted into the life that had been carved for him as though it had been made exactly with him in mind.

It had been, really, Magnus thinks, still holding on just as tight. He remembers conversations had when Alec had still been sleeping, revealing to him the full extent of what being a deruned Shadowhunter meant. Deruned Shadowhunters were supposed to be removed from all they had ever known, their memories of the Shadow World stripped from their bodies, expected to fend for themselves. Barbaric, and beyond cruel; Magnus couldn't have hated the Clave more than he'd done at that moment for having the full details of Alec's banishment revealed.

"We'll get through this," Alec whispers, pressing a kiss behind his ear. "Didn't Sophi— _Izzy_ —say they were pleading our case? Trying to work out if there were any of these loopholes that could be applied here?"

 _Izzy_ , Magnus thinks, grateful that she had been the one to greet them in Idris, that it was her who had made the case for them sharing the same cell.

"Yes," Magnus says, telling himself he's just _paranoid_ because of the after-effects of all his spells wearing off. That he's got nothing to worry about at all; and then immediately convincing himself that he does.

"Then we wait," Alec says, so lacking concern that Magnus is thankful Alec is oblivious to all he's fearing. "We wait, speak to these people, and then we go _home_ , Magnus."

Magnus can't help but worry that going home is not something Alec will get to do.

* * *

 


	12. Chapter 12

Alec is being interrogated. There is no other word for it; bombarded with question after question with no second to pause, blasts of requests for knowledge interspersed with demands for confession, leaving Magnus' head hurting just for having to _listen_. But Alec appears to be taking it all in his stride. His tone is level, his voice calm, and when he moves it's only to attempt to get comfortable in the rigid seating. His fingers regularly squeeze through Magnus', since he's refused to let him out of his grip. More _loopholes_ , Magnus thinks, thanking the Angel and whoever else might be listening that there are so many cracks in the rules governing the Shadow World.

Lore states that a deruned Shadowhunter can be resubmitted for the ceremony multiple times. If it kills them in the process, which multiple ceremonies are likely to do, then so be it; it rids the Clave of their problem and saves the Shadowhunter in question from a life as a Mundane. But this lore also states there has to be enough remembered from the Shadow World for the former Shadowhunter to need to go through with the ceremony more than once. The loophole suggests that first, the Clave has to prove the Shadowhunter isn't purely existing as a Mundane, and that if they are, then the Clave has no reason to even put them on trial. It makes sense, and it's also too much to hope for. Magnus has been terrified of _something_ for several long months. He knows that his suppressed magic forcing its way back to him has messed with his senses and left him questioning everything, and terrified of so much more. But to hope this could go that easily really does seem too much.

Alec isn't faltering. If they're hoping to reveal he secretly remembers his life as a Shadowhunter, Alec doesn't sound like he's going to budge. They ask him about the Accords, the Downworld Cabinet, weaponry, recent demon breaches that Alec couldn't know about for having been _gone_. His answers are all the same; indifferent, and revealing he knows nothing.

It feels like they're trying force the memories into him, Magnus thinks, waiting for the declaration that he's now heard too much from _them_ , so still needs to be deruned. But there are a room full witnesses, at least; Magnus doesn't recognize any of their faces and thinks that's deliberate, but they can't argue that Alec has gained this knowledge from anywhere but within the walls of this room.

For all intents and purposes, Alec _is_ a Mundane. There's no hesitation or second of recognition, and things that should be prominent in his mind as a Shadowhunter are generally met with a shrug. It's heartbreaking, really, hearing Alec's continual rebuttal of their questions, because he just doesn't remember a single thing. Not a decision he made as Head of the Institute, not a piece of legislation put in place by the Downworld Cabinet. Not even, Magnus thinks, with his stomach knotting, childhood memories of being raised in the Institute. Even the name _Valentine_ doesn't get a flicker of interest. It's like they've deleted all but the briefest aspects of his life in the Shadow World and left him as nothing but a functioning shell of a human being that he's filled with Mundane things—and Magnus, of course.

The last test is a physical one. Magnus loathes being parted from Alec fearing the worst, but he's only a few feet in front of him, so at least Magnus can keep him in sight. Magnus is poised to attack if he needs to do anything, on alert for even a suggestion of Alec facing harm. He watches as the stele is waved over Alec's visible runes and not a single thing happens. There is a murmur between the interrogator and another from the panel, who nods as though a pre-arranged signal has been given before standing gracefully and leaving the room.

Alec watches them go, still looking completely unaffected by all that's going on around him. Magnus wants to laugh when Alec turns his back to the interrogator and comes to stand in front of him, reaching out for his hand.

"This is weird," he says in a whisper loud enough to carry.

"It is," Magnus agrees, swirling a thumb over the back of his hand.

"We are determining if you are keeping anything from us regarding your life as a Shadowhunter," the interrogator says, the indignance on their face for Alec being unphased by their authority almost enough to make Magnus laugh.

Though then Magnus realizes not one of them has introduced themselves, and that the only acknowledgment any of them have made about he and Alec being present is the permanent scowls on their faces. They have been shown nothing but disdain since the moment he and Alec were escorted into the room. Magnus wants to be as indifferent as Alec.

"I can barely remember the chain of command higher up in the fire department," Alec says with a disbelieving huff of laughter, still holding on to Magnus' hand.

"You—"

"So, what happens if you decide I _do_ know enough?" Alec asks, sounding genuinely curious as he perches on the corner of the table Magnus is sat behind to face them again, reaching back to still hold on to his hand.

"Then you will meet with Inquisitor Herondale to discuss the next stage of your punishment. Alone," the interrogator adds with a glare at Magnus. _Just try it_ , Magnus thinks, but only smiles benignly back.

"Is that someone important?" Alec asks, and Magnus can almost feel the outrage around the room.

"You—"

"We're ready."

Everyone turns as the door is opened and the Shadowhunter who had just left comes in to sit again. Magnus watches, waiting to see what they're ready _for_ , noticing no movement aside from all eyes turning back to Alec.

"What?" he says, shaking his head and raising his hands in another shrug. "What do you want to ask me now?"

"Nothing."

"Then—"

"Silence."

Magnus hears Alec huff out a sigh, but doesn't add anything else.

"Do you feel anything?" the interrogator demands furiously.

Alec shakes his head. "Like what?"

" _Anything_."

"You're gonna have to help me with—"

"Mr. Lightwood, please lift up your shirt."

"Excuse me?" Alec asks with a splutter of laughter. "I don't think so."

"Just the corner of it."

"What do you think this is, some kind of free peep show, or something?"

Magnus glances around the room catching several confused expressions puzzling what a _peep show_ might be. And plans on teasingly interrogating Alec himself later, about the kinds of conversations he's been having at work.

"Please. Just lift up that side of your shirt."

Magnus follows the point of the interrogator's finger, smiles in reassurance when Alec looks back at him then stands and does as asked. And Magnus understands.

Somewhere, Jace is either willingly or possibly not so willingly having his parabatai rune tested to see if Alec reacts. Alec shows nothing; not pain, or discomfort, or even the realization that somewhere out there his parabatai might be _suffering_ , just to see if he's feeling it too. Their parabatai connection is non-existent; Alec hasn't shown more than a fleeting recognition of Jace in passing as that _blond_ guy that occasionally shows up outside his work.

"I apologize for this," the interrogator says with fury in their voice that says the opposite, stepping closer to him wielding the stele and aiming it at the parabatai rune.

"What the hell," Alec cries out as a blast of what Magnus assumes is heat pulses at his skin, and Alec turns away, dropping his shirt and curling over a little. Magnus is over the table and backing the interrogator up against the wall, held in a furious grip at his throat as Alec gently calls out for him to calm.

No one else flinches in the room Magnus realizes when he steps back, turning to check Alec hasn't sustained any wounds.

"I'm fine," Alec tells him when he lifts his shirt and sees nothing but redness over the rune as a suggestion of that heat.

"Nothing."

Alec and Magnus turn as the Shadowhunter who had left reacts to an alert on their phone, holding it up for the interrogator to see. Magnus can only assume it shows a lack of reaction from Jace.

"It seems we have no reason to hold you here, Mr. Lightwood," the interrogator says with what sounds to Magnus like a disappointed sigh.

"Then we're free to leave," Magnus says, gripping on to Alec's hand and ready to go before anyone can change their mind.

"He is," the interrogator says with a dismissive nod towards Alec. "You, are not."

"Why?" Alec asks, suspicion creeping into his voice as he squares his shoulders.

"Because for the past few months he has been willfully and knowingly revealing details of the Shadow World to a Mundane."

"He was sick," Alec protests.

"Even so—"

"He was sick because he was trying to help _me_. To take care of _me_."

"I fail to see what that has to do with anything."

"But you just said—"

"You are a Mundane, Mr. Lightwood," the interrogator replies, sounding bored with their conversation already. "We have no interest in a warlock doing anything to protect, or care for, a Mundane. When you leave here, you are encouraged to forget everything that has happened here. It would be in your interests to get on with your life with no thought for any of this at all."

"Right. But—"

"That Mr. Bane willingly chose to put himself under some kind of magical force to prevent his true self from surfacing and failed to do so, and in doing so jeopardized our world by revealing it to a Mundane—"

"That's a stupid argument," Alec says, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. "He would never have needed to—"

"And yet, it _is_ an argument. Magnus Bane will be held here in Idris until we can determine what to do with him. Mr. Lightwood, you are free to leave."

"That's not gonna happen—"

"Mr. Lightwood—"

"It's Lightwood- _Bane_ ," Alec corrects with a scowl in his voice.

"It—"

"And that _married_ thing that meant we could stay together in that _cell_ of yours while we waited for this _trial_? Last time I checked, we're still married," Alec growls back at the interrogator, raising his hand so their eyes are drawn to the ring adorning his finger.

"Even so—"

"You're not getting rid of me," Alec says, folding his arms stubbornly across his chest. "I'm not going. And you're breaking all of your stupid laws if you try and touch me since I'm a _Mundane_ , aren't you? You've essentially just _told_ me that."

"Mr. Lightwood—"

"I said. I'm not going," Alec repeats, raising his chin in defiance.

"On what grounds do you think you can keep me here?" Magnus asks, needing to know the basis for their argument before he can figure a way back out of it.

"Have we not just said—"

"You've said all kinds of things," Magnus retorts, "but not one of them that makes any sense. Or is legal within the Accords; it was Alec who had his memories forcibly removed from him, not me. And if you think _I_ don't remember the Accords chapter and verse, don't know exactly where and how you are violating the Accords by the mere implication of threatening to keep me here—"

"Then why did you even come?" the interrogator retorts. "If you know the law so _well_ —"

"For Alec. Because you intended to interrogate Alec. And if Alec is ever going to be truly free of you—or welcomed back into our world—this had to be part of the process. Where he goes, I go. Surely you must have figured that by now," he adds, knowing he's being overdramatic, knowing he's making it up as he goes, but feeling the need just to _keep_ talking.

Magnus is bluffing a little, in fact, he's bluffing a lot. There are several Accords that could be bended just a little that would result in his imprisonment; at least for a few months, and in worst case scenario, many years. But his confidence seems to be making them doubt despite how hard he can feel his heart racing, and it's exactly what he needs to see to keep him going.

"It is not for us to decide what to do with you," the interrogator says then, with increasing doubt. "Inquisitor Herondale will need to… this is for her to decide."

All he needs to do is get Alec out of Idris. Get them away from prying eyes temporarily, until his magic is back to full capacity. And then, they can plan what kind of life theirs will be, and where they will live it, away from anyone who dares to try to stop them. Magnus is terrified yet also elated for having an actual, tangible fear to face for once, instead of countless half-imagined ones.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Magnus says, stepping forward and raising his hand up with a careless flair, "but according to _your_ protocol, is it not usual practice for the accused non-citizen of the Shadow World to be summoned to their local Institute in circumstances such as this? Before we are called to such… _hearings_ , like the one you have just subjected Alec to?"

"What—"

"Is this all not just a little heavy-handed and excessive, when this entire situation could have been dealt with back in New York?"

"We—"

"Is this not, truthfully, more to do with the fact that Alec Lightwood was a Head of Institute that dared to vigorously support the Downworlders in his area, and you are using him as a warning to deter others from following the same path?"

"He—"

"I see no reason for us to be held here," Magnus says dismissively, already heading towards the door. "We have come here as a courtesy. Should Inquisitor Herondale wish to speak with us, then, well; I'm sure she knows how to find us."

Magnus curls his fingers through Alec's and tugs him from the room, heading for where he thinks he remembers the permanent portal to be. His heart is in his throat, and he daren't look behind them as he all but pulls Alec along. But they are free for now, and he has to get them away before anyone else can argue why they shouldn't be.

* * *

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more of a brief interlude between difficult things... enjoy (and remember this is marked Explicit)

"When my magic is back to full power, there are so many places, and things, that I want to show you."

Alec stirs against him as they wake on their couch and presses a kiss into his neck. "Sounds good."

"I mean it," Magnus insists, and the tone of his voice is apparently enough to make Alec lift his head.

"Magnus?"

"There's so much that I want to give you, and do for you, that I haven't been able to for all this time."

"You gave me you," Alec replies, raising his hand so Magnus knows to copy him and lacing their fingers through. Alec runs his thumb against the back of Magnus' wedding ring and nuzzles into his cheek. "There isn't anything else I'd want you to give."

"Our life before was different, Alec. And I don't just mean our _world_ being different. I could do things—we _had_ things—that we can only dream of in this life."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Magnus thinks, struggling for an example, then nodding to himself when the perfect one comes to mind. "Do you remember when we canceled that ridiculously fancy meal we had booked for Valentine's Day, and instead cooked something here, so we could save a little money and take a weekend for ourselves for our wedding anniversary instead?"

"It was a good compromise," Alec says with a smile that says he has a happy memory playing in his mind. Magnus almost pauses to ask him which one.

"Or," Magnus continues with a kiss to his temple as more examples come back to him, "when we couldn't afford to replace the TV for a couple of months because my laptop decided to refuse to work the very same day we were planning on ordering one?"

"We had to watch Netflix on your new laptop," Alec replies with a second smile that speaks of further happy memories. Magnus slots his fingers beneath his chin to tilt his head, leaning in for a kiss.

"We did."

"We spent the whole weekend in bed," Alec adds, reaching to slot his fingers loosely at the nape of Magnus' neck. "Not all of it watching anything, either."

"It was a good weekend," Magnus agrees, rubbing their noses together.

"The best."

Alec turns a little more and braces his forearms against the arm of the couch so he's towering over him, and deepening their kiss.

"I was attempting to tell you something," Magnus teases when he pulls back to drop on to one arm so he has room to mouth up his neck.

"I'm sorry; I thought this was more fun than _talking_."

"I'm not objecting—"

"But. Do continue," Alec replies with a smile, dropping a loud kiss on his cheek.

Magnus smiles helplessly back at him until he finds his words, adjusting his arms around Alec a little with a contented sigh. "Back… _before_. We wouldn't have to have made any such choices. Before, we had the money to do anything without question—without needing to make a compromise. And there was no _booking_ any restaurants, or choosing the same ones we always go to just in New York. You and I had favorite places to visit in numerous locations across the world."

"Because of the… because you're a warlock?" Alec asks, with a light in his eyes that reminds Magnus he's going to take a while to adjust to that.

"Partly."

"You can do that portal thing," Alec says, waving his hand in a poor imitation that Magnus aches a little for seeing, reminding him of a similar gesture back on their first date.

"I can."

"And you took us… anywhere."

"Everywhere. All the places that I could."

"That sounds… exotic," Alec replies, and Magnus wants to ask what he's thinking. Is he curious? Disbelieving? Can't imagine _that_ part of their lives being true?

It hits Magnus then, that there is going to be so much for them both to adjust to. Alec's life might continue as his new _normal_ , yet there's no way Magnus feels he can go back to his college work. He's already resigned, in fact, made an excuse for why he's not giving any notice. He can't live a life as anything but a warlock, and will have to navigate between Alec's Mundane world, and his own. That their worlds are now  _separate_ makes Magnus ache, and he squeezes Alec a little tighter to compensate for it.

"It was. Also, money was no object; for anything."

“It wasn't? Because of the… because you've been around a while and have… made a lot of money?"

"Something like that," Magnus smiles.

Alec kisses him then, sweet and gentle, sighing as Magnus sweeps his hand up under his shirt. "I'm excited about getting to learn all this stuff about you—I mean, learn it again."

"You are?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alec laughs.

"This is a lot to get used to," Magnus says, because that's the fear. That he'll be too much for Alec to get used to, and for all he's done to keep them together, he'll lose Alec all over again.

"Maybe. But _you're_ not a lot to get used to," Alec replies, shaking his head and frowning just a little to show he knows what is on Magnus' mind. "You're _mine_. I'm already used to you. I _know_ you. There's just all these new _things_ to get to know about you as well. I'm really looking forward to that."

"So. The Clave's suggestion that you forget about—"

"Magnus. I'm not interested in the Clave, or the Shadow World, or any of that. I'm _interested_ in you," Alec tells him, punctuating his words with frequent kisses. "I'll forget everything else that I need to, but I want to know everything there is to know about _you_. Every part of _your_ world. Everything else can… everything else from all of _that_ , I don't need."

Magnus is lost for words, so pulls him closer still, tucking his face into Alec's neck, breathing him in and sinking into the peace that is them just being together.

"I should… call work," Alec sighs a little later, though sounds nothing but reluctant about it.

"Do you enjoy your work, Alec?"

"I do. I love it."

"And you would… want to continue to do it?"

"Magnus," Alec says, laughter dancing through his voice, "are you trying to tell me I could live my life out as a kept husband?"

"You could, if you wanted," Magnus replies, smiling as Alec throws his head back in further laughter.

"I couldn't. I need to be doing _something_."

"And I respect that," Magnus replies.

"But?" Alec asks, narrowing his eyes a little, though still smiling. "I know that face."

"What face?"

"The one that says you're about to ask me something you don't think I'm gonna like?"

"I was going to ask if you would consider a little… untruth," Magnus settles for saying.

"Meaning?"

"I know you called in sick so that we could go to Idris."

"Wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do," Alec says with a shrug. Idris could be Berlin, or Lisbon, or any other city in the world to Alec now. It's so  _strange_ to think of Alec not thinking of Idris with some kind of reverence, that Magnus has to take a second before he can get anything else out.

"No, I know. But I just wondered if perhaps… you would extend that a little."

"For?"

"Well," Magnus says, kissing his forehead, "firstly, we have no way of knowing when the Clave will call us to the Institute for… further discussions. Though I can't imagine we will have to wait very long; I'm sure they want to wipe their hands of this situation."

"I guess."

"But I was wondering if we could… if perhaps you would allow me to show you some of the indulgences that I used to, before this happened."

"Meaning what?" Alec says with a curious smile.

"Meaning, I would like to spoil you a little. Perhaps a night in a hotel, a good dinner, somewhere away from here—obviously, not too far, since I don't have enough magic to portal us anywhere yet."

"You want me to call in sick so we can have, what; some kind of midweek dirty weekend while we wait for this _Clave_ to summon us?" Alec says, smiling hard for it.

Magnus thinks about a better way to put things, and decides that he can't. "Yes."

"And we have… money for this?"

"Come with me," Magnus says, nudging for Alec to stand up. He walks them over to a painting that he hasn't yet looked behind, but already knows what is there. Magnus slides the frame across the wall so that it's almost vertical, then pulls it like a door, revealing a safe behind it. A soft blast of surprised laughter to his side has Magnus ducking his head with a smile.

"What—"

Magnus cuts Alec off tapping in a code he thankfully remembers, opening the safe to reveal both cards and cash. There are a few other trinkets there, he realizes, smiling as he pulls out the omamori charm, swirls his thumb over its side in a familiar sweep.

"You bought me this."

"I did?" Alec says, reaching out to run his finger along the edge of it.

"Yes. This was the first gift anyone had bought for me in… well. _Years_."

"I… hope I've made up for that since then."

"Oh, you have."

"So," Alec says, looping his arms low around Magnus' waist and hooking his chin over this shoulder, staring into the safe still in disbelief. "Where are you taking me?"

* * *

"...Seriously?"

Alec's voice is so high with incredulity that Magnus has to forcibly hold in a laugh. "What?"

"Magnus," Alec says, turning to him with a raised eyebrow before going back to apparently being mesmerized by their hotel suite that they've just walked in to. "I kind of figured…"

"Kind of figured _what_?"

"That maybe you were exaggerating just a little?" Alec laughs, and it comes out a little high-pitched like he doesn't believe what he's seeing.

Magnus smiles, tugging on Alec's fingers to join him in a tour as he drops their bag down on the end of a thick cream couch and shrugs out of his jacket. "About?"

"Money?"

"Oh. We have more money than you ever need to worry about. The perks of being very, very old."

"You're not _very, very old_ ," Alec counters, slotting their fingers together.

"I just moisturize exceptionally well," Magnus teases, tapping at the corner of his eye, which Alec thinks is hilarious and covers that tap up with a kiss.

"Anyway. You're telling me you've earned all this money over… centuries—"

Alec pauses, shakes his head as though still coming to terms with the concept.

"—and now you're sharing it with _me_?"

"Since I only have _one_ husband—"

"Magnus—"

"I hope he does not object to me indulging a little in… spoiling him from time to time."

Alec smiles, lips parted like he wants to say something else, but instead just leans in for a kiss. Magnus hums into it, pressing back against him and holding on loosely around his hips, determined that they are going to have at least the rest of this day in peace. Since he can't currently throw up wards he settles for taking both of their phones and switching them off, slipping them into the nightstand to his side of the bed.

"So. What're we gonna do here?" Alec asks, tugging on Magnus' hand as he turns, eyes darting out over the furniture, TV, and when he notices, the bucket of champagne. "That for us?"

"It isn't for anyone else," Magnus replies, untangling their fingers so that he can lift the bottle from the ice and uncork it, pouring them both a glass. "To us."

Alec nods with that half-smile that always makes Magnus' stomach flutter, and clinks their glasses together, humming immediately for the taste. "I think the one and only time we drank champagne together was on our wedding night, and then on our anniversary. So, two times."

"You developed a taste for it. Before."

"I did?" Alec says, sounding surprised, but he's already drained half his glass like he's enjoying it. Magnus doesn't answer, just reaches for the bottle and tops his glass up instead.

"I intend to give you every single thing it is possible for me to give you."

"Well, of course," Alec smiles, hooking one elbow over Magnus' shoulder and turning them together. "But that's sort of the point of the whole _married_ thing, isn't it?"

"True. But now, I can give you all of those things, and everything I want to give you, in so many different ways," Magnus replies.

Alec's smile creeps up his face and lights up his eyes, before he ducks in for a slow, lingering kiss. "Oh, really."

"Yes."

Alec hums his way into another kiss then turns away with a squeeze of his hip, heading for the bathroom before Magnus has the chance to catch up.

"Uh. Magnus?"

Alec's voice echoes as it bounces off the walls of the tiled room, and as Magnus approaches to stand in the doorway, he hears soft laughter to follow it.

"Yes?"

"Why do we have a swimming pool for a bathtub?"

Magnus wraps his arm around Alec's waist and leans his face against his shoulder blade. "Because we can."

Alec sweeps his fingers along his arm and holds on tight as he leans back against him. "Is this what life's gonna be like now, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"You," replies before taking a sip of champagne. "Constantly giving me more than I can ever give you."

There's laughter to Alec's words that says he's teasing, but there's also a small amount of doubt.

"You love me," Magnus says, smiling another kiss against his back, "that's already giving me everything I want."

"I mean," Alec says, nudging so Magnus knows to give him room to move, "I'm just worried you're gonna expect me to _cook_ more, or something. Maybe breakfast in bed every morning, or… massages every time I get home from work, or—"

"Shouldn't I be the one giving _you_ massages if it's you coming home from work?" Magnus replies, wrapping his arm loosely around Alec's waist as he crowds against him.

"Maybe it can be a mutual thing," Alec suggests, brushing his lips over Magnus' as his free hand sweeps down over his ass. He looks disgruntled as he remembers the glass in he's still holding, and takes Magnus' from him as well to push both on to a nearby closet.

"You did smell good enough to eat after we used the last of that coconut oil," Magnus points out once Alec is turned around again.

"And you _look_ like that all the time."

"Alex—"

Alec steals his name from Magnus' mouth with a deep, hungry kiss as he backs him from the bathroom, turning him until Magnus stumbles against the side of the bed. Alec's hands are cradling his face as he continues to kiss him, pressing them firmly together but not enough to to make Magnus fall back. "I do love you. So much. I can give you _that_."

"I know," Magnus replies when he has breath.

Alec squeezes around his waist before pulling Magnus' shirt free of his pants, sweeping his hands up his sides and encouraging Magnus to raise his arms. Alec's fingers tease up the length of them, tangling their hands together briefly before he's throwing Magnus' shirt to one side, and stroking his hands back down over his back.

Alec kicks off his shoes, stumbling a little and giggling as he rights himself on Magnus, then is falling to his knees. There are kisses pressed over his thighs as he's relieved of his socks and shoes, and Alec doesn't waste a second when he's finished, already mouthing over him through his pants.

Deft fingers free him in seconds, and Magnus widens his stance a little as Alec seems intent on lapping over his cock to hardness, even as he's still tugging at his clothes. Magnus braces himself on Alec's shoulders as he steps out of them and groans as Alec first strokes his hands up the backs of his thighs to settle on his ass, and then laps over his head before taking him into his mouth.

Magnus stumbles for the heat engulfing him, stutters when Alec looks up and hums around him, and sweeps his hands repeatedly over Alec's shoulders. Wide hands squeeze then pull his cheeks apart, a hard thumb pressed insistently against his hole just enough for him to rock back on as Alec encourages him to roll into his mouth.

"I want you," Alec tells him when he pulls off, hands loose on Magnus' hips as he continues to lap over his length.

Magnus smiles and runs his fingers through Alec's hair, about to answer when Alec's grip tightens and he's turning him, bending him over the edge of the bed.

"Alec," Magnus calls out again, but then is gasping as Alec arranges him how he wants, thumbing him open, and lapping over his hole before Magnus can settle on his forearms.

Alec is insistent. His stubble is grazing in the best kind of way against Magnus' cheeks, his tongue a sharp point trying to lap into him one moment and a warm wide lick over him the next. Magnus rolls his hips back the fraction he can to meet him, and laughs when Alec pulls away only to playfully bite at his cheek.

"Couldn't resist," Alec says as he helps him up, pulling back the various covers on the bed and becoming exasperated with how many there are. Then squeezes Magnus' hips, gives one long tug over his cock that he hums pleased throughout doing, and nuzzles against his shoulder, before nodding towards the bed.

Magnus reaches for him, but Alec only bends over for a final lick over his length and soft bite to his stomach, standing teasingly out of reach as he strips out of his clothes. Magnus raises his head enough to watch Alec cross the room and open the bag they've brought with them, a large toiletries bag rummaged through before he finds their lube.

Alec crawls his way on to the bed, draping along Magnus' side. Magnus hooks his leg over the back of Alec's and splays his knees apart, groaning at the fingers pressed into him. Alec works him open slowly in between repeated kisses, smiling wide in reward when an exploration of his fingertips hits just right, and Magnus grinds down on them with a whine.

Magnus pulls him closer, needing Alec in him, holding on to his hips as he crawls over his leg and settles between his thighs. Alec's eyes are on him the entire time he's holding him open, sweeping greedy hands over his chest as he slips inside.

Alec topples forward, settling on his forearms and adjusting on his knees, not even moving as he kisses him, clearly in no hurry at all. Magnus slides his feet a little further up the bed as he clenches around him, rolling his hips up to encourage him to move. Alec keeps watching as he withdraws from him, his eyes not leaving Magnus' until the first groan spills from his lips, and only then ducking to kiss him.

"You're beautiful," Alec whispers, brushing their lips together before claiming his mouth again, offering up soft, gentle praise as they begin to move together.

Magnus closes his eyes as Alec tucks his face into his neck, sweeping his hands over his back, and allows the indulgent thought that being with Alec like _this_ feels like home.

* * *

 


	14. Chapter 14

"Magnus. We already got married. Why are you taking me to a church?"

Alec's tone is teasing, but Magnus can hear the curiosity woven through it, and his heart aches for what's about to happen, wishing he could take away anything that might hurt Alec in advance. 

"This is where you used to work," Magnus replies, squeezing his hand and silently promising Alec that he'll remain by his side. He'll always be here for him. No matter what the Clave attempts to threaten them with.

"The… Institute?" Alec says as they reach the steps, looking up at the building in doubt. When they'd stepped through the portal from Idris after Alec's  _hearing_ , the view had been shielded from Alec as part of the agreement to let them leave. It is jarring for Magnus to think that  _he_ is showing  _Alec Lightwood_ the New York Institute for the first time.

"Yes."

"And it's… _glamored_? So I can't see?"

"Yes."

"But I can see the church—"

"Do you want to go inside?"

"Not at all," Alec replies with a grimace and burst of laughter.

"And that is why the glamor is effective," Magnus replies with a thumb sweeping over the back of Alec's hand. Alec is a _Mundane_. Magnus has known it, but the reality of being here with him is shocking as it sinks in yet again. The realization comes in waves; Magnus always thinks he's ready for the next onslaught of reminders, but never quite is. The urge to portal Alec away from everything hits Magnus harder than ever.

"Okay. So; what are we doing here?"

"In Idris, the agreement I made in order for us to be allowed through the portal, was that we would be called to discuss the fact that you are now aware of your… past. And what we are to do now that I have failed in keeping up the pretense of it," Magnus adds, scoffing to himself at the thought the Clave might try to _punish_ him for it. He doesn't have all of his memories back of all that he used to be yet, but there is confidence, and certainty from his past that makes Magnus almost want them to try.

"Right," Alec nods, "no, I know that. I was there for that," he adds with a teasing wink. "And I was there when they send that weird thing through—"

"The fire message?"

"Yes."

"I suppose you were," Magnus smiles, remembering the startled look on Alec's face when it had arrived in their hotel room.

"But seriously… _here_?" Alec says, with a disbelieving nod towards the building in front of them.

"This is where we are having that meeting."

"Because it's the _Institute_ ," Alec says, full of doubt.

Magnus smiles, because he doesn't know what to say to him, and instead takes a breath for courage then tugs Alec inside the church.

Alec is mesmerized as the glamor lifts; it makes Magnus nervous to see what his reaction will be when he finally sees his magic. He's held it back so far since it's barely risen to the surface enough to do much with, keeping it hidden and only using it discreetly when he's been trying to get it all the way back. Alec has now seen his cat eyes though, and endearingly was even more enthusiastic and loving about them than he had been the first time.

Magnus squeezes Alec's hand in reassurance as they walk through the Institute's hallways and rooms that were familiar to Alec having lived and breathed them all his life. But he remembers nothing; that is clear from the way his eyes dart over everything in open curiosity. He has cautious nods for inquisitive stares back at him, and doesn't blink as familiar faces turn to follow him open-mouthed.

"You're here."

A woman Magnus does not recognize comes to stand in front of them, deliberately blocking their path.

"Yes."

"I'm Aditya," she says, holding her hand out to shake. There is a polite smile on her face as she greets them both, and Magnus isn't sure what to make of her. "I'm the Head of the New York Institute."

Alec. Alec should be in her place, Magnus thinks with his stomach dropping. But Alec doesn't flinch by his side, just nods in acknowledgment and goes as directed. More curious eyes watch as Aditya leads them through the Institute to her office, and Magnus is assaulted by memories of Alec when it was his; where he'd sat at that desk, where he'd brought Alec meals when he forgot to eat, and where they'd argued, and made up, on more than one occasion.

Relieved smiles light up the faces of Izzy and Jace, who are joined by a breathless Clary as she runs to join them, offering up a nervous wave as she goes to stand by Izzy's side. Alec smiles back politely, lingering his gaze a little longer on Izzy, then looks away again, taking in the room.

"Inquisitor Herondale is arriving from Idris shortly," Aditya tells them, offering them refreshments that Alec declines absently for how _interested_ he looks in everything.

"How are you, Alec?" Jace asks.

It must be hard for Jace, Magnus thinks with a stab of sympathy for him. His parabatai has been taken from him, yet still stands before him now, and doesn't know him at all. Magnus can't imagine what that must feel like, especially as Alec's eyes narrow in belated mistrust. 

"You. You were the doctor that stuck me with that needle—"

"I had to, Alec," Jace pleads, hands up in surrender, "we were trying to stop you remembering—"

"Kind of a barbaric way to go about it, don't you think?" Alec retorts. It's true, Magnus can't deny that, but he also can't help but feel the weight of his contribution to this. Perhaps if he'd taken more time to research how to hide the truth from himself, none of this would be happening. Perhaps if he had agreed to take Alec away from New York where the memories might not have surfaced so freely for being in familiar territory, this nightmarish few months wouldn't have happened at all. Everything is such a mess.

"Alec, we didn't want this."

Alec rolls his eyes and sighs hard, squeezing Magnus' hand, reminding him he's yet to let go of it. "I'm not gonna even pretend to understand. I know _why_ this all happened, and _how_ , but since I don't remember any of it—or any of _you_ —I just… I don't know."

"We can explain—"

"Mr. Lightwood- _Bane_ is no longer a part of our world, Isabelle."

Inquisitor Herondale appears in the doorway of the office cutting Izzy off and making them all turn in the direction of her voice. To Magnus' surprise, she has company; Maryse, Robert, and Max Lightwood stand behind her staring at Alec as though they feared they'd never see him again. Which, he supposes, they never expected to. What must it be like to have a living son that is, for all intents and purposes, dead to them?

"We are not here to debate the how, or the why. We are here to discuss this clear breach in security—"

"It wasn't a breach," Magnus says immediately, "at least, it is nothing that Alec has done. Nor Isabelle, or—"

"I am very aware of where the _blame_ for this lies, Mr. Bane," she replies, as disapproving and belittling as he has ever heard her. His hatred for this woman runs deep because of his experiences with her when stuck in Valentine's body, but the way she looks at Alec as though he is something repulsive makes it hard for Magnus not to want to lash out, or block her view of Alec, or do anything at all to get this over with.

"Then—"

"The question is, what do we do about you now?"

"It's not their fault," Maryse says, coming to stand beside them. Her eyes are brimming with tears that threaten to spill over for the lack of recognition on Alec's face. His smile for her is kind, but unknowing, and Magnus thinks it must be breaking Maryse's heart.

"Since Alec Lightwood submitted to the ceremony of deruning, he has already admitted his guilt," Inquisitor Herondale points out.

"Magnus is right; this isn't their fault. Magnus only wanted to protect Alec, and to keep him safe. To ensure Alec wasn't alone in the world after this was done to him," Robert argues, also stepping closer.

Max looks up at the adults around him in disbelief and barrels forward for a hug, mumbling an, _I miss you_ into Alec's chest. Alec smiles down at him curiously but hugs him back, one hand up to pat against the back of his head. Max then crowds into his side with a shy smile up at Magnus, and doesn't look like he intends going anywhere.

"Whatever good intentions Mr. Bane may have had, this still amounts to a serious breach in our security. And from the information I have gathered—"

"From where?" Magnus demands.

"Your medical records. From the doctors. I switched them out, forged them—I even substituted medication for your potions," Izzy tells him, unable to look him in the eye. "Catarina helped us, so it was… so we could do all we could to keep it safe for you. We... the doctor was staged, for some of your visits at least. He's a real doctor—a medic from the Institute, but he's... And I was… your memories were returning, and you were… you were deteriorating, Magnus. Part of the agreement to keep you here in New York was that we monitored you. And reported back."

Magnus nods, unsurprised, though it does clear up that _clean bill of health_ he'd received that found nothing abnormal in his blood. Though he still feels intruded on, and studied, and that Catarina has been part of that leaves him unsettled, compiling a list of questions for her for later. Then remembers the conversation he had with her about doing all of this, and groans internally for it.

"It would seem unsafe for you to attempt such a method again," Inquisitor Herondale adds, and her eyes dart to Jace leaving Magnus to wonder what kind of sway that _Herondale_ name has.

"I would think so," he says anyway, not knowing what else to.

"Nevertheless," she continues, "that you are remembering our world. That you volunteered to do this to yourself and have now failed in _keeping_ the secret of the Shadow World—"

"I haven't," Magnus protests.

"You told a Mundane doctor about your warlock mark. You talked of _monsters_ appearing on the campus where you teach. You are in direct violation of so many of the Accords, I wouldn't even know where to start when attempting to prosecute you."

" _Prosecute_ him?" Alec growls back at her looking incensed. "Haven't we just been through all this crap in your Idris place?"

"Perhaps it is punishment enough that Mr. Lightwood does not remember the world he was born into," the Inquisitor continues as though she hasn't even heard him.

"My life isn't a _punishment_ ," Alec retorts, bristling with indignance, "I love my life."

"You—"

"I'm a _Mundane_ , whatever that's supposed to mean," Alec continues without waiting for her to speak. There is a look in her eye that says she does not appreciate the lack of respect, but if Alec can't remember the kind of respect she commands, then Magnus doesn't see why she should even think she's earned it.

"Mr. Lightwood—"

"If it's punishment enough—"

"Perhaps there is little more we can ask of you—either of you—than to leave this city—"

"Why would we need to leave here?" Alec demands, shaking his head. "We have a _life_ here—"

"That you were never meant to have."

There is fury in the Inquisitor's tone, but it doesn't touch Alec at all. "Who are you to tell us what to do?"

"I am—"

"Nothing to me," Alec says cutting her off. "Look. I don't remember any of this. Of who I was. Who any of you are."

Magnus swallows hard for the collective ripple of pain around the room, knowing there's not a single thing he can do to help.

"All I know is that, apparently, I got myself _banished_ from… whatever world you think you have that's so separate from everything else here."

"It is a world that is now alien to you, Mr. Lightwood. That will always be alien to you from this day forward; unless the two of you agree to be imprisoned indefinitely."

"For what?"

"Violating—"

"If I'm not a part of your world, how can I have violated the _laws_ of your world?"

"Mr. Lightwood. I wonder how you would feel about facing some of the demons you used to take down single-handedly."

"And if I used to do that—"

"Your blood still contains angel blood, Mr. Lightwood. Just not the part that allows you to live as a Shadowhunter. Though you will still be _visible_ to these creatures—"

"Are you telling me there are only demons in New York?" Alec says in disbelief.

"No. They are everywhere. But here you may be _known_ to some of them due to your… alliances," she adds with a disgusted look at Magnus.

"Uh, that's called a _marriage_ ," Alec retorts, bristling with so much fury that Magnus has to discreetly squeeze his fingers to calm him. Even if Max is still wrapped around him like an octopus.

"Requesting that you leave New York is as much for your own safety as it is for our wishes for you not to continue any contact with the Shadow World," she continues, narrowing her eyes just a fraction, though it's enough to show how angry she is.

"I would have no problem with Alec remaining in New York."

It feels as though all eyes turn with Magnus' to look at Aditya, who stands nervously but tall for the attention.

"It is not—"

"Inquisitor Herondale," she says, rolling her shoulders a touch, "as Head of this Institute, the Mundanes in this area fall under my care—my team's protection. All of them; the good and the bad, those that are oblivious to our world, and even those that are not."

Her smile for Alec is kind, and Magnus decides he _likes_ this new Head of Institute, even if he's fairly sure she's never going to be as good as Alec just for not _being_ Alec.

"And besides," Aditya continues, "I've read everything I could find on file about Alec Lightwood. Spoke to every Shadowhunter in this Institute about what it was like to work with, and for him. Perhaps his decisions that lead to him being deruned were not as the Clave would have liked—perhaps not even decisions that I would have made. But the Alec Lightwood I have come to know through these reports—these people—was a good leader and one of our best Shadowhunters. Even if he is no longer one of us, he deserves respect from us."

"This is not about _respect_ ," Inquisitor Herondale replies, her expression seething for being questioned, "it is, at this point, for his own safety. And for the Clave to enforce adequate punishment for his—"

"His husband is the High Warlock of Brooklyn," Aditya points out with another kind smile for Magnus. "That is reason enough for them both to stay—"

"Was. His husband _was_ the High Warlock of Brooklyn. We would not recognize him as—"

"It is up to the warlocks in this city to choose who guides them, who speaks for them," Maryse adds with a soft, broken smile for Magnus.

"Even so. Mr. Lightwood's association with Mr. Bane—"

"His _marriage_ to him," Alec interrupts with an indignant wave of their hands together that leaves Magnus trying to hide his smile. "And by the way? It's Mr. Lightwood- _Bane_. Since you seem to be selectively forgetting that part in all this."

"Their _union_ is part of the problem here," Inquisitor Herondale says in reply to Aditya, her tone snippy, and condescending.

"Why?"

Magnus glances briefly in Robert Lightwood's direction, seeing him shrug his shoulders and raise his hands in question.

"Robert—"

"My son, and his… my _son-in-law_ , have done a lot for our world. If we are to accept that he is no longer a part of it, we can at least do them the courtesy of letting them choose where to live out their lives. And how they live them."

"You would have a warlock return to their typical work, and have a Mundane live alongside them as though that is _normal_?"

Magnus feels a little sick for the sneer in the Inquisitor's tone and pleads with himself for a tactful reply. "Relationships between Mundanes and warlocks are not uncommon."

"But between a Mundane that was formerly a Shadowhunter—"

"I don't know anything about _being_ a Shadowhunter," Alec says, his voice beginning to fill with frustrated anger.

"Mr. Lightwood—"

"Look," Alec sighs, with his eyes darting out around the room at everyone with a small shake of his head. "I don't know who you people are. _Really_. Sophia— _Izzy_ , I know a little, because we… we've spoken. I'm sorry," Alec adds with a squeeze around Max's shoulders, which only makes him hug even harder back.

"But I—I don't know you. I don't know your _world_. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a firefighter. I don't know anything about before then. I grew up, guess I must have studied at some point. Lucked out meeting Magnus," he adds with a sweet look for Magnus that he can't help but return. "But beyond that, I don't know anything. I know _my_ life; not yours. So I don't really see—"

"You are a security risk," Inquisitor Herondale all but barks back at him. "You will leave New York, and you will not contact anyone from our world again. This conversation is over, but let me assure you; if you are not gone from here within the week, then you will both be subject to further punishment—"

"But if I'm not part of _your world_ —"

"Your husband _is_ ," she seethes. "Do not make the mistake of thinking that he will _not_ be punished if he disobeys."

" _Disobeys_?"

"I am sure your  _husband_ remembers my tenacity for upholding the law," she adds, glaring at Magnus. Magnus is hit by another wall of memories of her torturing him in Valentine's body, and feels sick for it.

Alec's eyes narrow as he stares between the two of them repeatedly, clearly realizing there is something Magnus isn't telling him. "We're gonna talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," Magnus smiles, "it's all in the past, and—"

"Magnus Bane," the Inquisitor says, demanding his attention, "you are hereby banished from New York—"

"On what grounds?" Alec demands.

"Corruption of a Head of Institute and practice of magic in the presence of a Mundane."

"Well this is all getting very Minister of Magic-y," Alec grumbles loudly, though half under his breath. Several voices around the room join Magnus in an unexpected snort of poorly-disguised laughter.

"Mr. Lightwood—"

"He's not shown _any_ of his magic to me—yet."

"He has been using magic this entire time to _keep_ his warlock status from you. He's shown you his magic every _day_."

Alec gives Magnus a deliberate once over and winks. "Actually, _that's_ true..."

_"Mr. Lightwood—"_

"Because he was—that was for _me_ ," Alec replies, his face the picture of innocence even if the room is still teetering on the edge of laughter. Magnus catches Jace's eye and watches him rapidly drop his head down, shoulders shaking with mirth.

"And there are numerous other laws he has broken by doing so. That it was ever agreed that we would allow you any _access_ to—"

" _Access_?"

"You were to be cut off from this world. Entirely. You were supposed to leave here, live your life as a Mundane, without any ties to your past. He has broken that, and _for_ that, if nothing else, he should be tried. Consider it a _courtesy_ that he isn't being. For all Mr. Bane has _done_ for this world," she adds in pure condescension.

"But—"

"Alexander," Magnus says softly, shaking his head once he has his attention. He's scared to believe this could be so easy. He's scared that he's just dreaming, and that he's lost Alec after all. But then, Magnus thinks, looking at Alec, he's been scared for so _long_ now of things he both knew, and didn't, that perhaps he just has to push through this fear and _hope_ the Clave will leave them alone.

Alec smiles back at him apparently bemused by the entire situation, and the look on his face speaks of just wanting them to _go_.

"I am returning to Idris. This conversation is over. You _will_ leave. Both of you, before I change my mind and imprison you both. You may stay here to say your goodbyes," she adds, turning to sweep a disparaging gaze over the Lightwoods, and walking out the room before anything else can be said.

The sound of her footsteps echoing away seems to take everyone's attention until there is complete silence again.

"I don't wanna lose you again," Max says, sounding younger than Magnus remembers ever hearing him. Alec looks lost, unsure of what to say. Alec doesn't remember having siblings, or parents, yet Magnus finds himself empathizing with him in a way. Their marriage has been just the two of them, neither one of them having a family around. To have a family now present and almost forced on him Magnus imagines must be one of the most alarming things about this entire situation for him.

"I don't know if there's anything I can do to help here," Aditya says with a sorrowful sigh. "Truly. I would have no problem with you staying here in New York."

"Sounds like we'd just be making more work for you," Alec says, shaking his head in what Magnus thinks might be resignation. He still hasn't quite let go of Max; Magnus doesn't know if that's a memory lurking somewhere in the back of his mind, or if he's just trying to offer him comfort.

"I could try to talk to her," Jace offers, though even he sounds doubtful.

"I think we should leave," Alec says with a sigh as he smiles at Magnus. "Seems like too much effort for all this."

"We would… have to start, entirely again, somewhere new," Magnus points out. He's done it before, of course, but the thought of getting a completely new start with Alec suddenly seems like such a good idea, he isn't sure he doesn't trust the Inquisitor to sweep back in for a last-minute arrest and steal the possibility from them.

"Sounds good. I mean, I don't really have any ties here aside from work, but… I can get work somewhere else. And so can you, right?"

"True—"

"But Magnus," Alec adds, his eyes growing startled as an idea apparently comes to him, "there has to be people here who are important to you. From before. Who—"

"I can live anywhere. So long as it's with you," Magnus tells him, thinking that if they'd just done this from the beginning following Alec's deruning, half of this mess might never half happened. But then maybe it would; they can't know if his magic would have lasted any longer elsewhere, or his memories returned by other things.

"I… guess you could use one of those portal things to visit, or have people visit you," Alec replies. The vocabulary still sounds strange in his mouth, but Magnus can tell he's growing more used to it all.

"And of course, if you were to… visit here, if you had reason to, then there would be no way for us to stop you," Aditya adds. "Our patrols would never notice, no matter what… suggestions, we receive from the Clave."

Magnus decides he likes this Head of Institute a lot.

"We'd… do you think we could visit you?" Maryse asks. Her voice is thick with those unshed tears from earlier, and she's looking at Alec with such longing that Magnus has the strangest urge to hug her.

"I don't—"

"I know this must seem so strange for you. Having an entire family thrust upon you when you don't know us—any of us—at all," she adds.

Magnus is sure his heart breaks a little and wishes the Lightwoods had been given more time to prepare for losing Alec. He'd effectively been thrown into his deruning ceremony with no time to prepare for it himself, literally snatched from his office without warning one afternoon. Magnus can only remember the agony of the aftermath of it; of those that love Alec trying to adjust to the news that he'd been taken from them without the chance to say goodbye, as they tried to hold each other up.

It had been Izzy that had called Magnus to tell him what had happened, with Magnus blissfully unaware, at home and making them dinner as he'd received that call. Of anyone, Magnus thinks, this has been hardest on Izzy. He'd suggest to Alec that they at least keep in contact with her because of that, but doesn't think it's his place to interfere.

Magnus watches Alec look down at Max, make eye contact with his father, and turn to look at where Izzy, Jace, and Clary are stood. His jaw sets in a determined grit, and Magnus expects him to dismiss the lot of them on principle.

"Sure," Alec says with a cautious smile as he slots his fingers through Magnus' again, giving him the impression he's needing his touch to anchor him. "That'd be nice—that'd be good. I mean, I can… maybe it would be good to get to know you all."

Tearful smiles are turned on him, respectful nods instead of the hugs Magnus can see them itching to reach out for.

"Izzy," Alec says, turning uncertainly to his sister, and offering up a more honest smile. "We'll— _I'll_ message you soon. Let you know where we are."

Izzy nods and squeezes his arm in passing, ushering the rest of the family from the room. Alec stares after them, and Magnus wants to ask what he's thinking, but doesn't, giving Alec privacy for his own thoughts.

"I don't know what you might need me for, but here's my number," Aditya says then, drawing Magnus' attention as she reaches out with a handwritten card. He smiles in thanks and slots it into his back pocket, recognizes that she's awkward, and doesn't know how to ask them to leave.

"C'mon, Magnus," Alec says, wrapping his arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his temple.

Magnus stays silent as Alec leads him from the Institute for a final time, taking one last glance over the hallways that were once Alec's home. Alec is untroubled, smiling at him with ease, and pressing a kiss to his shoulder as they walk.

"So," he says, once they've stepped outside and are blinking into the afternoon sun. "Where are we gonna go?"

* * *

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I said in the notes at the beginning this will have a happy ending that might not be conventional, and I think you can see why. This chapter ends with, sort of, an epilogue of its own, so if you choose to you could stop reading here, a week or so and then a few months down the line of Alec and Magnus' new life. 
> 
> The final chapter of this is another, 'proper' epilogue, set a little further in the future; for those of you who regularly read my stuff, you know how I feel about Alec's future ;)

The last of their boxes are in the right rooms even if they're all still to be unpacked. There is so much to do, but as Magnus takes in the layout of their new apartment, he allows himself to relax after a hectic few days pulling together as much as they could from their two lives.

There are talismans and charms packed in alongside tennis balls and cherished, sentimental reminders of their wedding, their old life together crammed in alongside the new. They slot together as much as they feel separate, and Magnus is looking forward to patching those two worlds together to carve this new existence out for the two of them, see where things are supposed to fit. He has no idea what to expect and is excited as much as he is fearful.

"Can we not move, like, ever again? Or at least, not for the next few years?"

Magnus turns as Alec staggers through with a final box of books from their loft apartment and sets it down on the floor next to one of their bookshelves waiting to be filled, sighing in relief.

"This is the last of them," Luke adds following Alec in to add his own box to the pile, straightening up with a relieved groan and rolling his shoulders.

"Thank you again for helping us with this," Magnus says, smiling as Luke waves a dismissive hand. "I'll be glad when my magic is back fully so I don't have to do everything so... manually."

"Least I could do after... you know. All of  _that,_ " Luke replies, his eyes darting out over their new apartment in curiosity before he looks back at Magnus.

All of  _that_ , meaning being caught by Alec checking up on him in the firehouse, and blurting out  _Magnus_ ' name to him revealing he knew him when Magnus was still under his own spell. They'd had so little time to get used to Alec being deruned that Magnus hadn't stopped to warn many of their friends about what was happening, and it had been Izzy who had informed them all while Alec had still been asleep. Luke had been stopping by the firehouse to peek in at Alec for months, and had been on Magnus' college campus numerous times in the period they were _gone_. Magnus even vaguely remembers having coffee with him once or twice, their conversations now muted for old memories of their friendship colliding with the new.

"None of that was your fault," Alec says softly, and with a small, encouraging smile. It's been strange for him, getting used to this sudden wall of support sweeping in on them—quite literally. The evening after their meeting with the Inquisitor at the Institute, Luke and Raphael had arrived unannounced at their apartment with stiff nods for one another, insistent on helping any way they could. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of things Magnus keeps checking Alec is dealing okay with. Having a small army of Downworlders descending uninvited to wish them well, help them pack, and berate the Clave for their treatment of Alec has to have been alarming for Alec in so many ways. But he's taking it all in his stride, smiled politely even when Magnus can tell he's feeling out of his depth. He's even made easy, unstilted conversation on the drive over here with Luke; Luke was the one who organized two vans to bring all their stuff here, and almost eight hours of driving plus all the breaks they've taken hasn't once put a frown on Alec's face. 

"I see Simon and Raphael got everything else in," Luke adds, his eyes falling on the furniture that's in and Magnus is already itching to move. 

"Yes," Magnus replies, walking over to the bookshelf where Simon had messaged to say he'd left their keys, smiling at his scribbled note in affection.

He remembers, now, vaguely, a sense of not being alone in their apartment when Alec was working. Magnus doesn't remember when, or how he'd invited Raphael in, but he's been checking up on them both all these long months, reporting back to their other Downworlder friends that he and Alec were okay. And Simon, Magnus thinks, still groaning internally for it, had shown up in his lecture theatre on numerous occasions; perhaps triggered some of those  _hallucinations_ he'd had that left him feeling so unwell.

"That's got to have been one hell of a ride," Luke laughs, snapping Magnus out of his mind wandering as he rolls his shoulders again to ease them from all the boxes they've just carried up. Magnus thinks of Simon driving, and Raphael trapped in the back of a van amongst piles of furniture to avoid the sunlight, then of the two of them bringing all this furniture in, and half-wishes he'd been there to see it himself.

"Yes, well. Perhaps they found subjects to talk about that weren't... incendiary."

"Kill or cure?" Luke says with a burst of laughter.

"Something like that."

"You don't have to go yet," Alec says, waving his hand toward Luke. "I know you said you had to get back, but—"

"I do; I got two new pack members to deal with," Luke replies, shaking his head.

"You'll be exhausted if you go straight back," Magnus tells him, worried that such a long drive back again will find Luke falling asleep at the wheel.

"I'll be fine. I'll take breaks," Luke promises him, his eyes crinkling up with an amused smile.

"Then... thank you," Alec says, offering out his hand to shake. Luke seems more touched by the gesture than Alec probably realizes, and Magnus has to swallow back a lump in his throat. This really is their old life saying goodbye to their new, and they've yet to decide on a way to fit all the aspects they can of both together.

"You're welcome," Luke replies, reaching out with his other hand to squeeze over Alec's before pulling away. "You're not bad—for a hose hauler."

"I'd say the same for you being a canary," Alec retorts, and Magnus is bemused as they stand there grinning at each other before Luke is reaching out to clasp his shoulder and squeeze, and Alec is doing the same thing back.

"I'll... see you out," Magnus says, as Alec nods towards the bathroom and Luke checks his cell phone for the time. "You're sure you'll be okay?" he asks Luke once they're at the doorway.

"I will. And you?" Luke asks, nodding behind Magnus to the apartment.

"We'll be fine," Magnus replies, knowing it's true even if it's going to be strange for a while.

"Well. You know where we are. Don't be strangers."

"Let us know when you arrive home," Magnus says, holding his hand out for Luke to shake. Luke laughs at the gesture but grips his hand, pulling Magnus into a tight hug.

"Yeah, I will. You keep in contact, you hear me? It's been hell not having you around all this time."

Magnus smiles, hoping to hide the conflicted emotions coursing through him as he nods back. "Of course."

Luke pats him on the shoulder, squeezes there for a second, then nods. "I'll be seeing you."

Magnus is still watching after Luke when Alec appears behind him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "You okay?"

"I am," Magnus says with a soft sigh, taking one last glimpse out at the hallway outside their new apartment before ducking back in to close the door. 

"This is all so... it's been a strange few days," Alec laughs, and it's nothing but an understatement. 

Neither of them had felt settled back in their apartment after their meeting at the Institute, and so they'd only been there to pack, instead choosing to stay in a hotel. They had searched for an apartment online, both reluctant to just pick one without having the chance to view it first, but also both struck with the need to have somewhere that was theirs, and to not have to move again.

Magnus knows he's used magic to speed up the entire process of buying this apartment and all the documentation they need to move, even if he's not really all that sure how. But he's pleased, as he takes Alec's hands and they walk around exploring their new home, that it  _feels_ like home, and a good decision, even if the future is so uncertain for them and there is going to be so much adjustment for them both.

"We've got so much to unpack," Alec says with a soft groan as they take in all their stacks of boxes.

"It if helps, my magic is beginning to make a more… prominent appearance. Hopefully, if we just unpack what we need for now, I might be able to do the rest with magic in a couple of days."

"I don't mind," Alec tells him, leaning in for a kiss and snagging his fingers as he heads for the kitchen, so Magnus knows to follow. "I think I'll like us putting everything away together, deciding where everything should be. I don't… I've never had that, have I?"

Magnus thinks back to the loft where Alec had moved in and felt as though he'd always been there, though had never done much in the way of making space for his own things. Then he thinks of the second apartment they'd woken in following the deruning and Magnus' spell, with all their furniture and their few personal items already set out, and realizes Alec really hasn't ever done this for himself.

"Then we'll do this together," Magnus agrees, pulling a bottle of wine from the fridge and pleased that it's perfectly chilled, before pouring them both a glass. A gift from Raphael who had insisted on stocking their kitchen with enough food for a few days to help them settle in. For a vampire, Magnus smiles, searching through what he's left them, he seems to have fairly luxurious tastes in the things he can't eat himself.

"No champagne?" Alec teases as he accepts his glass, leaning back against the counter as he takes a first, grateful sip.

"This wine is apparently one that Raphael thinks you will like," Magnus replies, laughing at Alec's raised eyebrow.

"What?" Alec says, hesitating before he takes a sip. "You don't think I'm a little surprised that a  _vampire_ is recommending me a drink? Think about it."

Magnus throws his head back and laughs, before reaching out to clink their glasses together, and taking a sip. "I assure you, this is just wine. Excellent wine, in fact."

Alec tries the wine and the face he makes tells Magnus that Raphael was right, even before he gives a noncommittal shrug. Perhaps Alec has residual mistrust of Raphael from before and it has nothing to do with the wine at all; the idea leaves Magnus with a bittersweet feeling that he hides behind a smile.

"You started to enjoy wine when we were together—before. At first, you didn't seem to like much of anything I offered you to drink. But wine I remember you enjoying quite a lot."

"I did, huh?" Alec says, taking another sip as he watches Magnus over the top of his glass.

"You did. And I do intend to take you back to a vineyard that you particularly liked just as soon as I have enough of this back," Magnus adds, flaring magic in his palm and trying not to be frustrated by how much it stutters.

"Where?"

"France."

"And we'll… by that portal thing?" Alec asks.

"Of course," Magnus smiles, nodding for Alec to follow, and the two of them gratefully sinking down on their couch; even if he loathes where it's positioned and itches with a need to move it.

"Do we go everywhere by magic? With magic?" Alec asks, as though he's not sure what the correct terms should be.

"Mostly, yes. For convenience, speed, and ease, of course. And it was fairly necessary to be able to return to the Institute at a moment's notice when you were Head."

"When you used to be High Warlock," Alec says, taking another sip of wine and staring back at him in thought.

"Yes."

"Is that something you're gonna want again? Here?"

"Not today. Perhaps not any day; to be honest, Alec, I'd prefer to concentrate on the two of us learning to be here, before deciding on such… complicated things."

"Works for me," Alec smiles, nuzzling against his shoulder before dropping his head there. "Did you use to… your magic; did you used to use it for everything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Alec says, flipping Magnus' hand over to swirl his thumb over his palm, right where that magic just appeared. "You said about… I don't know; magicking stuff away. And portaling us places. You mentioned if either of us were in a hurry you could do a spell that meant we were ready in seconds; like, clothes, and… that kind of thing. And that we often— _you_ often—just conjured food and stuff into the apartment if we didn't feel like going out."

"I did."

Alec nods but doesn't add anything else, and the silence makes Magnus' heart start to skip.

"Alec. Are you…"

"What?"

Magnus is afraid to get the words out. What if he hears the exact thing he's fearing he might?

"Magnus?" Alec prompts, when Magnus still doesn't speak.

"Are you… afraid of my magic? Or… disgusted by it?"

"What?" Alec says, snorting and coughing all at once since he's just taken a mouth of wine.

Magnus runs a soothing hand over his back and holds on to Alec's glass as he coughs and catches his breath. "Are you okay?"

"You can't come out with stuff like that," Alec laughs, turning and leaning in to kiss him hard.

"I—"

"I admit," Alec says, nuzzling against his cheek, "I'm really curious to see what it's going to be like when you've got your magic back at full strength. I'm excited about seeing you do… whatever things you can do."

"But?" Magnus prompts, bracing for however bad it's going to be.

"But nothing. I'm just… I don't know what to expect. I have a ton of questions and I don't even know how to ask them."

"I suppose you are learning all these new—old things about me. That might take some getting used to," Magnus admits. Alec is doing so _well_ with all of this upheaval, that it's Magnus that's the one constantly having to remind himself this is _new_ to Alec.

"Might take you some getting used to sharing your life with a _Mundane_ ," Alec points out with a noisy kiss to his cheek and a smile when Magnus turns for it.

"True."

"We've got so _much_ to get used to," Alec adds, looking around their new apartment, and at the mail on their coffee table that Raphael must have brought up for them containing the paperwork he has to prepare for his interview with the fire station he hopes to work at. Their furniture is a mixture from both apartments like everything in those boxes; there are so many things they need to weave together that Magnus can't even think how long it will be before they have a _normal_ again.

"We do," Magnus agrees, realizing yet again just how _big_ this all is; for both of them. He wonders how long it will take for all of this to stop seeming so  _new_.

"Can't wait," Alec tells him, whispering it against his ear so it sends a shiver down Magnus' spine. Then presses a kiss just behind his ear in the exact spot he knows Magnus likes. "Magnus. I hear that there is a tradition when you move into a new place. Apartment."

"Well. We will have to wait to get to know some people here before we throw a housewarming," Magnus replies, angling his neck back to give him better access.

"I mean," Alec says as he mouths a path down to his throat, "about… christening the apartment. Every room of it."

The glint in his eye goes straight to Magnus' stomach, with Alec looking down and _grinning_ when he sees him shift uncomfortably.

"We haven't even made our bed yet," Magnus points out, though he doesn't mean it. His already worked open Alec's belt buckle and has his hand up his shirt without being consciously aware of doing it.

"I did say, _every_ room. We could always start here," Alec suggests, and without warning shifts to straddle his lap.

"That is an excellent suggestion. Although," Magnus adds, lifting off Alec's shirt, "there are… well. _Things_ that would make that… easier, that I… forget where we have packed."

Alec grips around his shoulder then lurches to the side, grabbing the satchel Magnus used to take to college. He pulls it into his lap and rummages in it, tongue stuck slightly to the side of his mouth in habit as he usually does when searching for something. Pulls out a bottle of lube with a triumphant cheer that leaves them both giggling as they cling to one another.

"Alexander, you are full of surprises. As always," Magnus tells him, leaning forward the fraction needed so Alec can help him off with his shirt.

"Good surprises, right?"

There is an echo of a memory, a whisper of an interrupted kiss in the middle of another apartment. Already in the middle of a _something_ together, but also at the start of so many good things. Magnus' heart skips for it, for the past, present, and future that is Alec.

"As always," Magnus replies, sweeping his hands up Alec's sides and pulling him closer, sighing at the press of their chests together as Alec drapes his arms around his neck.

* * *

"Okay. I'm leaving."

Magnus looks up from his desk and adds the final ingredients needed to his flask, giving the mixture a quick stir before setting it down. He lets his shoulders slump in disappointment for hearing Alec's words, waving a hand so Alec knows to come closer even though he's already halfway across the room. "One of these days, I'm going to have to come visit you at this firehouse to meet these colleagues of yours."

Alec snorts, pushing the chair back so he has enough room to straddle and sit in his lap, elbows hooking over Magnus' shoulders as he leans in for a kiss. He lifts up the flask Magnus is working with and after receiving a nod to go ahead, gives it a cautious sniff, pushing it away with a grimace. "Is that 'cos it's been a while since you've seen me kitted up for work?"

"Is it my fault you look so thoroughly adorable—and _hot_ —covered from head to toe in soot?" Magnus teases, his hands already up the back of Alec's shirt, thinking of the night he's going to spend alone with Alec being on shift and wanting to be selfish, pulling him closer for just another few seconds.

"Not like you haven't seen me like that before."

"Exactly. That is the entire reason why I want to see you like that again."

"Magnus," Alec laughs, shifting on his lap a little to get more comfortable, and smiling hard at his approving hum.

"It's your fault."

"What is?"

"I used to lose sleep over the sight of you in that thigh holster you used to wear," Magnus teases, biting down on his lip in memory. "Apparently, I have a thing about you in uniform. Or at least looking… prepared for anything."

"I used to wear a thigh holster?" Alec says, incredulous and disbelieving. "For what?"

"Purely to give me a heart attack, I'm sure."

Alec throws his head back with laughter, and Magnus holds him loose around the hips to prevent him from falling backward.

"What are you working on while I'm gone?" Alec asks, forever interested in the steady stream of work Magnus is accumulating, slowly building himself a new reputation.

"Some charms. A couple of potions. I have a portal to open in a couple of hours and three clients to visit tomorrow morning. I might visit Luke later, if I finish in time," Magnus adds. He goes back to New York once or twice a month to visit Luke and Raphael in particular, but usually gets to spend at least a little time with some of their other friends as well. Alec's been with him a couple of times and seems unfazed by anything he sees about the Shadow World, though shows no signs of missing being part of it. And still glares back at Raphael just as hard as he ever did.

"You will get _some_ sleep though. Right, Magnus?"

Magnus smiles at the raised eyebrow and leans in for a kiss. "Oh, Alexander; you know I struggle to sleep without you beside me. Unless you find the time to call me with a little… bedtime story, of course—"

"And you know I'll only worry about you if you don't even try," Alec says, smiling at him in blushing exasperation even as he leans in for another kiss.

"You do offer the best of encouragement for… all sorts of things," Magnus adds with a wink.

"Magnus—"

"Though I suppose the safety of the citizens of Toronto is more important," Magnus replies with a sigh that's teasingly put-upon. Alec laughs again, stirring his hips in a tease against his thighs.

"You remember we've got that work thing at the weekend, right? That barbecue we've been invited to? So you _can_ meet all my colleagues?" Alec says, briefly swiveling enough to check the time on Magnus' phone on the desk.

"But of course," Magnus says, tilting his chin up for another kiss. "I look forward to meeting your new crew now that you've completely settled in. Are we inventing a particular career for me? Or have you already decided on one?"

Alec smiles at that, apparently finding the question hilarious, throwing his head back and laughing all over again.

"I told them you work for yourself. Freelanced. Which is true, actually."

"Doing what?"

"Teaching. Advising. Designing."

"Designing what?"

Alec picks up one of the numerous chains around Magnus' neck, deliberately lingers a gaze over what Magnus assumes is the kohl beneath his eyes, and smooths his hands over the tunic he's wearing in approval.

"Clothes. Fashion. That kind of thing."

"I—"

"You're beautiful, Magnus," Alec says softly, looping his arms back around his neck. "You look perfect, all the time. Who _isn't_ gonna believe you're not some… I don't know; iconic fashion advisor to the stars, or something?"

"But I—"

"Can't help it if you're adorable, smart, funny, perfect, and beautiful beyond words?" Alec suggests, bending down for one final kiss then checking the time again, and cursing under his breath for setting off late. Pausing only to kiss over Magnus' blushing cheeks.

"Call me," Magnus says, reaching out to give his hand a final squeeze.

"Soon as I can."

"Message sooner," Magnus calls out, smiling as he listens to Alec snatching up his bag, rushing back to the door of the room Magnus is working in to blow kisses, before turning on his heel, and charging out the apartment.

Magnus stares after the door for a few seconds with a wistful smile, then lifts up the flask to give it a swirl, humming when the potion is the consistency it needs to be. The thought of Alec working for the next twenty-four hours sits hard in the pit of Magnus' stomach, and the work in front of him is suddenly not enough to distract him.

Magnus tucks the chair under the table and makes himself a cocktail, stepping out on to their balcony and smiling at the view. It's a beautiful afternoon, and there's still so much of the city he is yet to explore. It's going to be difficult to convince himself to go back to work.

It's been a strange few months, Magnus thinks as he follows the trail of a flock of birds across the sky. They've moved here to Toronto, adjusted, both have hit the ground running in terms of work. And they're learning an entire new way to be together, which is without a doubt the best thing about all of this. They love each other, just as much as ever, but there are now all these new things for them discover. Magnus loves every second of his life with Alec, thankful for every moment of it. Still catches himself smiling in disbelief that this was the outcome of all that turmoil with the Clave.

To think he'd feared losing Alec, had felt he was losing himself for months, lost sleep and sense for the fear of the unknown. Magnus can laugh at himself now for all the stress he'd put himself through, and accepts that however _good_ his magic is, what he'd tried to achieve was just too much.

His magic returned slowly, and there are still parts of it as well as memories that occur to him out of nowhere at times. But Magnus is happy; more than he thinks he's ever been—especially for living such an unconventional life.

Magnus' cell phone buzzes in his pocket then, revealing a video of Alec telling a joke he'd meant to tell him before he left, giggling to himself so hard he can barely tell it. The joke is _terrible_ ; but Magnus laughs anyway, because Alec's mirth is infectious, and Magnus will never tire of seeing him smile.

Magnus sends back a quick reply full of kisses, slips his phone back into his pocket, and turns his face up to the sky, smiling at the warmth of the sun. Life is _good_ , and there is so much to look forward to, so many things he gets to share with Alec. Magnus breathes deep, drains the last of his cocktail, and promises himself an hour to explore the city once he's completed his current work.

* * *

 


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at the end. Alec is happy, Magnus is happy, their life together is good... see? I kept my promises! Just to warn you though. Alec is still a firefighter, which means he does put his life on the line on numerous occasions - in a different way than he did as a Shadowhunter, but still, risky stuff. He's fine though, I promise you that. And Magnus is, at least for a part of this, a little maudlin, but again, I promise, all will be good ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading if you've got this far, I hope you've enjoyed this little world of theirs as much as I enjoyed writing it for them :)
> 
> <3

Magnus looks down at the book Alec's just thrown in his lap, smiling at the noisy kiss pressed to his temple and the arm slung around his shoulder, jostled as Alec gets comfortable next to him on the couch.

"What's this?"

"It's your book," Alec teases, kissing his ear, then humming against it, and turning Magnus' cheek so he can brush their lips together before kissing him. "Don't you recognize it?"

"Alexander. I have forgotten more books than I will ever remember, and I—"

"Just read it," Alec insists, teasing exasperation in his voice.

Magnus steals himself another kiss then does as asked, sweeping his hands over the surface of the book.

He does recognize it, sort of. At least, he knows it has a home amongst his shelves. It must be one of those that Catarina was storing for him when they were still in New York that he hasn't since needed. She still keeps so many of some of the more volatile things he needs as a warlock, including books containing dangerous spells like this one does, that have no place in the home of a Mundane. Perhaps she intended to return it to him at some point long in the future, after Alec has—

Magnus forces the end of his sentence away and swallows back the bile in his throat, cracking open the book, though the words immediately blur for him for his unwanted thoughts. The reminder of Alec's mortality flares at him suddenly from time to time, and these past few weeks have definitely been some of them. That Alec is here with him today instead of working is a stark reminder of that mortality, coming to the end of a two-week break from work after a difficult fire and rescue went wrong.

Alec and his crew had rushed into an already-decrepit building set alight by likely vandals, rescuing several homeless people that had come to shelter there, as well as trying to get the fire under control. On Alec's return back into the building after carrying a man out to waiting paramedics, the floor had collapsed, dropping Alec through to the room where the crew was trying to control the seat of the fire. He'd become trapped after bringing debris down on top of him, and tried crawling his way out when no one could get through. Magnus can picture it all vividly even now, even though he wasn't with him for it, and had been blissfully ignorant about how close he'd been to losing Alec at the time until he'd called him from the hospital, asking to be taken home.

There were several bad bruises as well as copious cuts and grazes to his hands and knees once Alec finally found an exit. He'd needed treatment for smoke inhalation, and Magnus had tended to most of his wounds once they were home alone. Alec kept saying he was lucky in that way he does every time there's an incident like this and he's trying to reassure him. But the things he'd seen in the building played on his mind for days. Magnus has been startled awake by Alec calling out in fear, trying to reach those he couldn't get to in his dreams ever since. Alec had reluctantly agreed after the third night of waking in a cold sweat to ask for a little time off.

It's been almost three years since they moved here from New York and made Toronto their new home. Alec feels as much a part of his fire crew here as he did back in New York, while Magnus has established himself amongst a new community of warlocks and has a pleasant, steady stream of work. He keeps the Downworld as separate from his life with Alec as it's possible to do, though never hides when he's busy in the room they've made into an apothecary. There is always curiosity in Alec's eyes when he watches him work even after all this time, sometimes even interrupting to ask questions, which Magnus secretly loves and thrives on answering.

Despite his interest, it's taken time for Alec to get used to having a warlock for a husband. But equally, it's been an unexpected adjustment for Magnus to be married to a Mundane. They've met somewhere in the middle as they always have done, precariously balancing the life they remember with the one Alec doesn't; though are just as in love as ever, however they live their lives.

The only sore point sticking in Magnus' thoughts is the constant knowledge that one day he'll lose Alec. Not to miscommunication, or letting anything get between them, but the cruelness of the passage of time. Alec is cautious when he asks about immortality, and it's the one thing Magnus does his best to avoid talking to him about. The subject will come up one day and be unavoidable, Magnus knows that, but at the moment at least, it feels less painful continually putting it off. This recent fire hasn't _helped_ ; the image of watching Alec slip away from him, either by accident or old age, has been plaguing Magnus for days.

"Magnus," Alec urges with a kiss nuzzled against his cheek, gesturing once more to the book in Magnus' lap. Magnus shakes his head to clear it of those awful images and thoughts, and forces his focus back to the present, leaning into Alec's side.

The book is full of spells, deep and difficult magic, things that Magnus has only attempted himself once or twice, or even not at all. In fact, Magnus thinks, with a painful swallow for the reminder, this is the very book he'd used to create that _life_ he had for them after Alec's deruning. Alec taps his finger at the protruding bookmark Magnus hadn't first noticed, and nudges for him to turn the pages faster to get to it.

This spell is a rarity. In fact, it's one of the most complex spells Magnus has ever seen, and it's one he's never even considered using, so wouldn't know how to perform it without researching extensively first. He's never needed to know about it, really, since there's been no one who would want such a thing; least of all for _him_. He shakes his head, sure Alec has made a mistake.

"Alexander?" Magnus asks in confusion, running his finger along the edge of a page, idly wondering how he'd get half the ingredients, and where they'd store the brewing potion for the month it needs to set.

"You know what this is."

"I do. In theory."

"I already spoke to Catarina about it," Alec adds as he presses a kiss to his shoulder.

"You did?" Magnus asks in surprise, turning to look at him.

"Of course," Alec says, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Had to. In case you were difficult, or would argue about this being a _sacrifice_ or something."

Catarina has been visiting them with Madzie once a week ever since they arrived here, and has once again become a regular fixture in Magnus' life. Alec was cautious around both Catarina and Madzie for about ten minutes in the very beginning, until he'd been enchanted by Madzie climbing into his lap uninvited, clutching a book conjured from home that Alec had read to her before, and she demanded that he read again.

"Alex—"

"You've been having nightmares again."

Magnus thinks about denying it, thinks about pointing out all the nightmares Alec's been having himself to deflect the attention. But the reminder of his own recurring nightmare has already seized Magnus again, putting a lump in his throat and forcefully closing his eyes. "I'm sorry—"

"Magnus, no; why are you apologizing for it?" Alec asks with a soft kiss, nuzzling against his shoulder.

"Have I been… calling out?"

Magnus dreams of a bleak future. A world turned monochrome for not having Alec in it. He knows he's selfish, wakes every morning furious that he'd even let his subconscious go to such a thought when he has Alec living, and breathing, right there in their bed. But the harder he tries to force the dream away, the more vivid it becomes. Magnus knows he's woken with a gasp on several occasions, and on a couple had to slide from the bed and lock himself in the bathroom, waiting for his tears to calm and pleading with Alec not to wake.

It is too soon to be thinking of such things, Magnus reminds himself for the hundredth time. Alec is young, and strong, and healthy. There is no reason to be thinking about the end of his life.

"A little," Alec tells him with another soft kiss. "You keep… Magnus; you keep saying you're scared to be alone. That you don't want to be alone."

"I don't," Magnus admits, unable to look at him. "Though it's not just about that."

"No?"

"No."

"Magnus?" Alec asks gently, leaning harder into his side.

"It used to be," Magnus admits with a heavy sigh, "it used to be a general fear of being alone that sometimes prevented me from sleeping at all. I'm not… I don't do well at losing the people I love," he adds bitterly, thinking of Camille for the first time in years, though her taunt still feels fresh in his mind for repeating her words.

"Right," Alec replies as though he's not sure how he's supposed to respond.

"But now," Magnus adds, leaning back against him, "now it's not _alone_ I fear. Now, I fear being alone without _you_. Only that."

Alec turns better to kiss him, a soothing thumb sweeping just behind his ear in a deliberate attempt to calm. "Exactly."

"Alexander, no. Why would you do this?" Magnus asks with a soft smile. Alec can't want this, and he can't have even thought long enough about this to even be suggesting it.

"For you. After all you did for me. After all the things you've done, and do, and for how much you _love_ me. Do you really think there was ever a possibility that I'd let you go, if I got the chance not to?" Alec asks, turning a little more into him.

"I—"

"If you think," Alec says softly, his voice cracking a little as he cups his face, "if you think for a second, that just one lifetime with you is ever going to be enough for me after… all of that. When there's a chance for me—for _us_ —to have more than that, that no one else ever gets to have. Then I don't know what is going in that head of yours."

Magnus closes his eyes to the gently swirled thumb over his forehead, feeling his eyes pricking with tears and pretending they aren't.

"Magnus; you've been worrying about this ever since you—ever since your memories started coming back; I know you have. Maybe even longer, back before I can remember. I also know you've been doing everything you can to hide it from me. You know that never works," Alec adds with a teasing smile and a lingered kiss to his cheek.

Magnus' heart gives a hard thud. Has Alec known this has been plaguing him for all these years? Is he aware of the thing that haunts him sometimes, whatever he is doing, even when Alec is right there with him to distract him from it?

"I didn't… I didn't know how to talk about this with you, because any time we did, it made you sad. And then these nightmares you have; sometimes they're quiet, and I don't think you're worrying too much at all. But sometimes they're awful; I know they are. And ever since that fire," Alec adds, grimacing a little, "they've been getting worse."

"I'm sorry for worrying you," Magnus says, earning himself another kiss and a softly shaken head against his own.

"Magnus. Don't be."

"There is no need for me to even be worrying—"

"And I needed to think about it for myself for a little bit," Alec tells him, cutting him off, "as well as to try to figure out how I'm gonna say all this to you. Magnus. This isn't some... out-of-nowhere idea, or anything. I've been thinking about this for… maybe a couple of years."

Magnus' surprise must be written over his face for the way Alec peppers kisses over it, and is rewarded with a smile when he starts to laugh.

"But if _you_ think," Alec continues, kissing him sweetly, and smiling at him so full of love that Magnus begins to tremble for it, "that I want to ever leave you, or be without you, if I get the chance not to. Then, Magnus, I have to ask; do you really know me, at all?"

"But Alec—"

"I know what this means," Alec whispers, lacing their fingers together. "I know what I have to give up. I know I'm gonna miss every single person that I'm… some who I'm really just starting to get to know all over again."

The Lightwoods haven't visited quite as often as Catarina and Madzie, respecting Alec's need to acclimatize to having a family that he doesn't remember being in his life. But the hugs between them have unstiffened with every passing month, the smiles becoming easier and less guarded, and though there's always a wistful look on their faces when they leave, Alec is always excited when he knows they're due to come back. And Izzy and Alec message often enough for Magnus to recognize when Alec is reading messages from her for the soft smile it puts on his face.

"But Magnus," Alec says, shuffling even closer still, practically in his lap, "being with you is what I want. It's sort of all I've ever known. And back in that… when we started _this_ life together back in New York, we got married, because we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. This is no different. It's just… longer."

"Immortality is a _little_ longer than—"

"I know what it is," Alec says, kissing his cheek, "I know what this means. I can't keep working as a _firefighter_ whenever we choose to do this— _we_ , because this is huge for us both. I'll have to come up with something else to do for work; I don't know what yet. I don't know so many things. I don't even know when we'll want to do this, or if there's a best time to. But I do know, Magnus, that I don't ever want to be without you. And I know I don't want you to ever have to be alone."

"This is... Alexander, this is... this is so much," Magnus says, staring back at Alec desperate to be sure he isn't mishearing what he's telling him.

"It is. But this is what I want. So... try talking me out of it all you want, if you feel like you have to. But I'm not going anywhere."

Magnus has so many things he wants to say to him, but his throat is too constricted with tears to get a single word out. There is so much to talk about, so many reassurances Magnus knows he'll ask for time and time again to be absolutely sure Alec understands what he is giving him, and giving up. But he lets himself hope, lets him believe this is happening to him, and a warmth that's part excitement, and part sheer relief begins to seep into his core.

"I want you, forever, Magnus," Alec says, smiling as though he can hear his every thought. "In what other life would I ever get a chance to have that, huh?"

Magnus looks back at Alec still completely lost for words. Looks at a future that he never thought would be available to him. Reaches out to hold Alec's hand, and smiles.


End file.
